


I Feel It Coming Out My Throat

by That_stupid_girl



Category: Descendants (2015)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know, I just think this makes sense with Evie's mother and stuff, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Self-Harm, like very minor self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:32:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 81,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4511535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_stupid_girl/pseuds/That_stupid_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evie only knows of two people she's ever truly loved: Mal, and her mother.<br/>Evie only knows of two people she's ever truly hated: herself, and her mother.<br/>And it would be really nice if everything wasn't so difficult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this is from Soap by Melanie Martinez (who is pretty cool). In the song she's talking about words, like talking about accidentally telling someone she loves them, which I think works really well with this story, plus it sorta ties into the eating disorder part, which is hugely prominent. I just really think that with so much pressure from her mother to be pretty, this isn't that unlikely. I wanna try to use Melanie Martinez's lyrics for all the chapter titles I think??? Idk. Also, am I seriously writing something for a Disney Channel movie. Good lord I hate myself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's almost 4am and I am like 93% sure this is terrible.

“Hey, Evie! Wait up!” Evie stops dead in her tracks, pretending that the reason she’s not turning around is because she’s annoyed, and not so that no one can see the dumb smile on her face. She’s just managed to sort of control her stupid facial muscles when a body slams into the side of her. Stumbling from the sudden impact, Evie looks up, once again breaking into a grin when she sees Mal’s horrified look.

“Did you know they’re offering a class on not barrelling into your friends next semester? Maybe you should sign up,” Evie teases.

“Shut up.” Mal’s voice is much more indignant than the push she gives to Evie’s shoulder. Evie turns to look at the portraits on the opposite wall, and it’s totally not to hide her blush.

“Hey, Evie?” Evie turns back at the softness in Mal’s voice. “Did you like fix my jacket? I went in the room to get it before class and the rip from yesterday was gone. Like, ‘without a trace’ gone.” Evie bites her tongue in attempt to stop from blushing again.

“Oh yeah well, you just mentioned that you had torn it yesterday at dinner and I finished my homework early last night, so I thought I would just go ahead and fix it up. You know, just because you would’ve asked me to, anyway.” Evie pretends that Mal isn’t 100% aware that she’s never had to ask Evie to fix any of her clothes; the rips and tears and stains are sometimes gone before Mal even notices them in the first place.

“Thank you so much, dude. Ben said he was going to take me sailing tomorrow, and it sorta ruins the point of a jacket to have half your arm exposed.” Evie’s stomach totally doesn’t sieze up at the thought of Ben and Mal alone in the middle of the ocean. Not at all.

Evie rolls her eyes. “Okay first of all, the tear was not that big. Second of all, why is a leather jacket your go-to sailing outfit?” Mal scoffs.

“Excuse me, leather goes with everything.”

“Not seawater,” Evie mumbles. Mal pushes her again, and Evie’s pretty sure she hears her mumble something about being such a bitch. Evie’s also pretty sure her giant smile is a little too over the top for just walking down the hall with her friend, but it’s not like Mal would notice anything out of the ordinary, because, you know, it’s not out of the ordinary. Evie’s been like this almost as long as Mal has known her. (With ‘like this’ being ‘low-key incredibly in love with Mal.’)

“Are you not going to lunch?” Mal sounds confused, and almost slightly worried, and Evie realizes that she’s walked past the door to the dining hall without noticing. (The fact that she was not actually planning to go to lunch is completely irrelevant.)

“Oh, I was just going to put my stuff in the dorm, first.” If there’s one thing Evie learned on the Isle, it’s how to lie. Mal nods.

“You cool if I go ahead and start eating?” Evie nods immediately, because honestly, when has she ever been able to deny Mal anything. Evie tries not to think about the fact that she wouldn’t even consider not offering to go with Mal if their roles had been reversed.

“Of course! I’ll be there in a few minutes!” Evie doesn’t leave until she sees Mal sit down at their usual table. Ben slings his arm around her shoulder and Evie turns on her heel, walking briskly down the hall. Maybe if she takes long enough they’ll all be done and she won’t have to eat anything. She shakes her head, pulling her room key out of the pocket of her bright blue jacket.

She listens to the door click in place behind her before she sighs, depositing her books and pencil case on the wooden table a few feet to the left of the door. She shrugs her baggy jacket off her arms and moves to stand in front of the full length mirror. She adjusts the black A-line skirt so that the front and back hit the same place about halfway down her thigh. She sticks her fingers into the waistband, pinching the fabric together as much as possible. Less than a centimeter before the skirt can be adjusted another button.

Her fingers fiddle with the hem of her navy blue tank top as she looks herself up and down in the mirror. She turns to the side, placing her palms on her stomach. She sucks in, pushing even more with her hands. Removing her hands, she keeps her stomach folded in on itself. Her calfs look okay in the black fishnets and navy blue pumps she’s wearing, at least.

She turns back to face herself in the mirror again, pinching the fat that’s barely on her arms. Her makeup is exceptional; she learned from her mother, so it’s not as if anything less could be expected. At this point she could probably apply the dark eye shadow in her sleep. Once her mother told her that Evie was getting better at creating a smokey eye than she was. It’s in the top ten best days of Evie’s life for sure.

She plucks the bright red locket her mother gave her on her thirteenth birthday from its resting spot against the fabric of her shirt and drops the heart shaped charm underneath the neckline, letting the silver chain fall between her breasts. She gives a toothy smile to the reflection in the mirror, letting it fall almost immediately.

“You look like shit,” she mutters at her reflection before turning away and grabs her jacket off the floor where she left it. She slips back into it, refastening the sleeves back into place just above her elbows with the snaps. Evie knows buttons look amazing, but she loves the sound snaps make and how they just, well, snap into place. (She has completely useless buttons on top of the snaps on these sleeves.)

Sighing once more, she slips out of the room, letting the door close on its own behind her.

Everyone is at least halfway through eating when she returns to the dining hall. Jay is all the way done, but looks like he’s about to get up for seconds. Or thirds.

“Hey, Eves, what took you so long?” Jay grins, extracting himself from between Carlos and Lonnie.

“Oh I forgot my jacket and didn’t realize till I was almost here. Had to go back and get it.” She shrugs out the lie more easily than if it were the truth. She follows Jay to the serving station, bypassing all the substantial food in favor for an apple. She fills a ceramic mug with ice water, half hoping to create the illusion of drinking something with some sort of caloric value.

Evie slips into the seat Mal had saved her between her and Audrey as gracefully as she can; the seat is smack in the middle of the bench and she’s trying her damndest to not knock into Audrey’s legs. She’s already worried Audrey is very not fond of her. She sets her mug and apple down in front of her. Doug grins at her from the corner of the table before looking back to Chad who’s across from him, and obviously telling him some story. Evie smiles back, missing the concerned look Lonnie shoots her, and her food, from the seat directly across from her.

Jay returns, balancing two plates as he reinserts himself between Lonnie and Carlos. Evie feels queasy just looking at all that food. Mal glances away from the banter she’d been watching Ben and Carlos exchange across the table to look at Evie.

“That’s all you’re eating, E?” She almost sounds worried, and that almost makes Evie smile. Instead, she shrugs.

“Yeah. I haven’t been feeling too great today, and I had a big breakfast anyway.” Mal accepts the lie without question, and Evie thanks everything she knows, good and evil, that Mal hadn’t been with her at breakfast this morning. She’d overslept, and hadn’t even made it out of her room until twenty minutes before the morning assembly. The dining hall was almost empty. She’d sat with Lonnie and some other girl while she drank her (black) coffee.

Feeling someone’s eyes on her, Evie looks up. Lonnie’s not exactly glaring at her, but Evie wouldn’t say the look was particularly friendly. Evie wants to thank her for not commenting on her statement about breakfast, but realizing that that’s probably what the almost-glare is about, she keeps her mouth shut.

She takes a ~~sip~~ gulp of her water, watching Mal out of the corner of her eye. Mal’s face lights up in the way it only does when she hears a good insult, and Evie’s subsequential smile is way more lovesick than she’d care to admit. She looks away from Mal long enough to see Lonnie still watching her. Evie immediately bows her head, grabbing her apple and taking a big bite in an attempt to hide the blush rising in her cheeks.

Jane and Doug rise from the bench, explaining that they need to go study for the chemistry test next period. Evie jumps up as quickly as she can without bumping Audrey or Mal.

“Oh! I need to study for that, too!” She almost falls trying to climb off of the bench, and her face burns redder than the apple in her hands as she scampers to catch up with Jane and Doug.

It’s mostly a lie that she needs to study, really. (She knows Dough probably doesn’t either; they spent two hours swapping notes and hunched over textbooks in the library last night.) All the same, she’s starting to think that Lonnie is catching on to every one of her secrets and that it may be good to spend as little time around her as possible. Which sucks, because she really likes Lonnie. She just likes not having her life ruined more.

She drops the almost whole apple in a trash bin on the way out of the dining hall.

She sits by Doug in the lab, Jane on his other side. Evie's not even pretending to study. She got an A- on the last test, and she’s even more prepared for this. She’s not trying to brag or anything because it’s not like she’s actually smart, just good at memorizing things probably. There’s a few other kids in the classroom: a tired looking girl with curly orange hair piled in an impressive bun on top of her head next to a pale boy with striking shoulder length blonde hair who's tapping his pencil nervously against the tabletop sitting in front of her, and a small boy with soft brown hair sitting across the room.

Evie opens her notebook, studying the blonde boy in front of her. He and the girl are sitting on the opposite side of the table, so that Evie can see them, and more importantly, their clothes, almost perfectly. The boy is wearing a pastel blue henley, grey sweat pants, and what Evie thinks are probably women’s combat boots, but they’re the same color blue as his shirt and he’s an attractive kid; Evie knows he could look super great if he tried.

She starts sketching, pulling out her colored pencils and drawing his hair as his only defining feature, besides the structure of his body. She sketches the same shirt he’s wearing, paired with what she assumes would be light grey linen pants. Hesitating for a moment, she adds his boots, but colors his laces in dark grey, instead of the same pastel as the shoe like they are now.

She’s halfway through drawing what she thinks could be a nice white blazer with lining and a lapel the same dark grey as the shoelaces when she hears Doug say her name. She glances up.

“Evie’s are just as good though, and I don’t think she’s using them. Here.” Doug is talking to the blonde boy and redheaded girl in front of them, and before Evie realizes what’s really happening, he’s snatched her notebook from under her hands and is passing it across the tables. Evie jumps up, freezing when she sees the boy look down at the open page. He looks up at her, and Evie’s face burns even darker than earlier. She really needs to get this blushing thing under control.

“Is- is this me?” he asks, sounding more curious than mad. Evie lets her shoulders relax a bit, but doesn’t move from her awkward position.

“I am so sorry, I really am. I’m just like super into fashion and clothes and stuff and I was super bored and you were right in front of me, I am so so sorry. I know this is probably so creepy.” She only stops when the kid in front of her opens his mouth.

“Actually, it looks really good. Not super comfortable, but definitely nice.” Evie almost gasps at what she takes as an insult.

“No! It would be super comfy! She pants are linen and the blazer is cotton. Honestly, linen would probably be more comfortable than the pajamas you’re wearing right now.” Evie does not realize she could easily be insulting him, or that she has moved around the table and is now leaning over him, pointing at the sketch as she talks. “And anyway, it’s the same shirt and the same shoes. I’m not really sure why you’d think it would be uncomfortable.” The boy smiles at Evie’s indignant tone of voice.

“If I could find clothes like this, then I would wear them, I guess.” Evie thinks this is one of the best compliments she’s received in a while, and speaks without considering what she’s saying.

“I can make it for you!” The boy looks taken aback by her eagerness, and Evie can feel the blood returning to her cheeks. “Sorry,” she almost whispers.

“Would you seriously make clothes for me?” She nods.

“Yeah of course! I just need fabric…” she trails off. “And money to get the fabric, I guess.” The boy looks surprisingly pleased.

“No problem! My mom will be so excited about me having new clothes! She hates what I wear! I do too, sometimes. I bet she’d take us to the fabric store on the weekend if that’s cool.” He seems almost as excited as Evie, and she’s really looking forward to sewing for someone that isn’t Mal, Jay, or Carlos.

“I- uh. I don’t really have the best track record with parents…” He looks confused. “You know? Daughter of the Evil Queen and all?” The boy smiles again.

“My mom won’t care. She doesn’t really keep up with any of that. She’s a little spacey. She’s from Wonderland, after all. I’m Ace, by the way. Well, Alexander really, but I prefer for people to call me Ace.” He sticks out his hand.

“Evie.” Another thing she’d learned on the island is how to shake a hand, and he seems surprised by her firm grip.

“And this is Maddie,” Ace says, motioning to the tired looking girl beside him. She nods her head at Evie, who smiles at her.

“Oh! Did you want to look at my notes for class? They’re actually in another notebook.” She reaches back to her desk, taking the remaining notebook and passing it to Ace and Maddie. She gets her other notebook back in return. They bend together, reading through her notebook.

“Umm, and I was serious, you know, about sewing for you. It’d be fun for me.” Ace looks up.

“Yeah I know. I’m serious, too. I’m gonna call my mom tonight.” He looks down in time to miss the smile that takes over Evie’s face. Doug grins at her as she slips back into her seat.

“I really think you could start a business or something, Evie.” His voice is truly eager, and Evie realizes it’s because he knows this makes her happy. It means so much to her to have people that actually care about her, even though she knows they wouldn’t if they knew how horrible she truly was.

Evie edits her design for Ace, and even starts on another one before the rest of the class ambles in, followed by the booming voice of their teacher snapping at them to put their notes away. Ace hands hers back to her as he moves to the other side of the table so he’s facing the front. A kid with hair the same color as Evie’s cheeks have been lately slides into the seat on the other side of Ace. Evie puts both notebooks under her desk and hopes with all her might that she will do well on this test.

She finished almost directly in the middle, and she leaves the half empty classroom with her books clutched in her hands. She feels like she did pretty well, but again, she knows she’s not really all that smart and she shouldn’t get her hopes up.

On the way back to her room, she passes a vending machine and realizes that people, most likely Mal and Lonnie, will get onto her about eating dinner tonight, and also that she’s going to have at least twenty minutes before Mal gets back from class. She backtracks, stopping in front of the machine and attempting to stuff a bill into the the slot. She succeeds on the fourth try, and leaves a few minutes later minus three dollars and plus three bags of potato chips.

She ducks into the girls’ bathroom and opens the first bag of chips, emptying it into the trashcan. She does the same with the second, and half of the third. Sighing, she shoves both empty bags into her pocket. Right before she pushes against the bathroom door, she stops, and puts the half empty bag in her other pocket; she wouldn’t want anyone she passes in the hallway to think she just ate half a bag of chips.

After she unlocks the door, she sets the books down on the same table as before. She kicks off her shoes and starts to take off her jacket before deciding against it. She doesn’t want anyone seeing her upper arms. Even Mal. Especially Mal.

She takes her notebook and pencil case off the pile of books and flops down on her bed. She takes the chip bags out of her pockets and rolls over onto her stomach. She moves one empty bag to the corner of the bed, and tosses the other on the floor below it. She leaves the half empty one open and facing her, so that she can pop a chip in her mouth when she hears Mal at the door. She opens up her notebook and continues working on the sketches for Ace that she started before class.

It’s half an hour before she hears the telltale turn of the knob. She plucks a chip from the bag and holds it to her mouth. The door opens and she bites into it, smiling at Mal from her position on the bed.

“Want some chips?” Evie holds out the bag, her mouth obviously somewhat full. Mal grins, untying her black combat boots before joining Evie on her bed. She grabs the bag from Evie’s still outstretched hand and takes a handful, leaving the bag (thankfully) almost empty.

“Whatcha working on?” Evie likes that Mal always seems genuinely interested, and starts to explain the pre-chem test events.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's almost 4 am again and this still is not very good. Sorry.

She knows it’s stupid, but Evie sort of misses living on the Isle. Obviously she doesn’t miss the lack of hygiene or horrid conditions or constant ridicule from her mother, but it was so much easier to hide what she was doing. It’s not like there was that much food anyway, and either she or her mother was always out of the house at meal times, so it was easier. And besides, when she was seven years old her mother started telling her that she couldn’t keep eating like such a pig. She never ate at home, and told her friends that she had, and it was so believable, because why would she lie?

She knows that if her mother knew what she was doing she would give Evie so much shit about it. Evie’s supposed to be beautiful without trying too hard, and besides, she’s heard her mother talk about girls who think never eating will make them pretty. Whenever her mother started talking like this, Evie had to bite her tongue to stop from telling her that she’s been complimenting Evie so much more since she stopped eating so much.

When she first started losing weight, she knows that Mal started worrying, even though she would never admit it. Evie and Jay and Carlos and Mal are the only real family any of them have ever had, and it’s enough to make them anxious when they don’t see one of them for a few days. But Evie didn’t really lose that much weight, and Mal stopped worrying pretty quickly. After dropping about twenty-five pounds, she started focussing just on keeping that weight. It’s worked pretty well so far.

But again, it’s so much harder here in Auradon, where they actually have more than enough food to eat. Evie’s lucky that she’s been getting away with eating as little as she has been. It was easier when they were all focussed on getting Ben and the wand and their parents approval, but it’s been almost a month since the inauguration, and she’s pretty sure people are starting to catch on.

Mal had believed that she was full from eating almost three bags of chips, and now Evie is totally getting away with just eating a bit of peanut butter, three packages of crackers from the salad bar, and drinking apple juice.

Evie looks around the table, noticing that everyone’s sitting in the same seats as earlier, which are the same seats as yesterday. It’s only been a little more than a week since they all started sitting together and hanging out together, but she’s starting to think that it may work. Chad still hasn’t spoken to her since before the whole wand fiasco, but Evie thinks that’s probably a good thing.

“Evie!” She feels something hit her shin under the table and looks up to see Jay, and everyone else, looking at her expectantly. “Do you want to come?” Jay asks.

“Hmm? Sorry I was spacing,” she mumbles. She hears Ben chuckle.

“That’s okay. We were just saying that since it’s Friday, we think we’re going to have a movie night in Audrey and Lonnie’s room tonight. Are you going to come?” Evie nods, and listens as the whole group talks over what they’ll do. Personally, Evie’s just really glad she’ll get to sleep in tomorrow and doesn’t really care if they watch the documentaries about their parents.

She walks with Mal back to their room. Neither of them say much, but Evie doesn’t really mind. She likes just being close to the other girl.

“Ben said we should be at Lonnie and Audrey’s at seven,” Mal tells her as she pushes the door open.

“Sounds good!” That gives her almost an hour to prepare for a night of Ben and Mal cuddling. She makes her way to her bed, shoes and all. She’s tired and still worried about the chemistry test. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to just lay here for a few minutes.

After a few minutes, she feels the bed dip and Mal lies down beside her. Evie smiles. Even though everything is harder to hide here, she really likes Auradon. About thirty minutes later, she feels a tap on her arm, dragging her out of her dozing state.

“C’mon, E. We gotta get up unless you want to be lounging around in your skirt and heels tonight.” Evie can hear the grin in Mal’s voice.

“Ugh okay fine,” she groans, slipping off one side of the bed as Mal gets off the other. She slips out of her shoes as she walks over to her closet, opening the doors and pulling a few things off the shelves inside. One of Evie’s favorite things about Auradon is probably the space. Or the fact that they have actual beds.

She stays in her closet to change. She hates changing in front of people, even though Mal’s the only person she’s ever around when she is, and even though she’s been changing around Mal for years. Besides, there’s no way Mal would ever change in front of her if she actually knew how terrible Evie really is.

Evie sighs, keeping her back to the room as she strips out of her clothes. She slides a pair of black leggings with a pattern of bright colors up her legs, pausing for a moment at her thighs. She sighs and continues, then pulls a long sleeve white t shirt over her head as she walks through the room, trying to avoid looking at Mal’s bare back.

She turns the faucet on when she gets into the bathroom just in case Mal wonders what she’s doing. She pulls open one of her drawers and extracts a package of makeup wipes. She pulls her leggings back down, sitting on the edge of the toilet seat as she begins wiping at her thighs. If the leaves the makeup on it’ll rub off on the leggings, and she doesn’t want to have to wash them quite yet.

She sighs again, pushing herself up and placing the two wipes on the counter. She tugs her leggings back up, not even glancing at the scars scattered across her thighs. Evie knows she’s almost too precautious, but she’d rather be safe than sorry. And anyway, Evie’s really good with makeup.

She drops the wipes in the wastebasket and turns the faucet back off. It’s ten to seven now, and Evie adjusts the watch and few bracelets on her wrists before waltzing back out of the bathroom. She reenters her closet and returns the clothes she wore today to their respective places. She grabs her jacket off the floor where she left it, pulling it over her arms and unfastening the sleeves. She rolls them down as she crosses to her shoes, pulling out a pair of black ankle boots that she drops on the floor in front of her. She’s pushing her feet into them when she hears Mal from the other side of the room.

“You ready, E?” Evie trips out of her closet, shoes still only half on to meet Mal in the center of their room.

“Let’s go,” she says, smiling at Mal and her outstretched arm. Evie takes it, hooking their arms at the elbows. Mal locks the door behind them, and they head down the hall to Lonnie and Audrey’s room. Mal starts to open the door, but Evie bats her hand away, telling her to knock. Mal rolls her eyes, but knocks just the same. The door swings open a second later to reveal a beaming Lonnie.

“Hey guys! Are Carlos and Jay with you?” They both shake their heads and Lonnie shrugs. “Okay, well they’re the only ones we’re waiting for. And Jane and Doug, but they just left to go get snacks from Jane’s house.” Evie knows that Jane sort of hates living not in the dorms, but everyone else really appreciates the fact that she can just run home and get food for them and all.

They follow Lonnie into her room. Evie’s only been in here two other times, and it always makes her sort of nervous to be in other people’s rooms, even if she’s been invited; she always feels like she’s sort of invading their space. Ben’s sitting in the middle of the sofa, but Mal makes him scoot all the way to one side so that there’s plenty of room for both her and Evie. Evie smiles at her, and takes the offered seat. Jay and Carlos come barging in a few minutes later, closely followed by a kock from Jane.

Lonnie grins as she grabs the remote, nudging Evie to move closer to Mal so that she can squeeze in between Evie and the end of the sofa. Lonnie starts to scroll through movie options, but passes the remote to Audrey in her place in one of the two armchairs with Chad when she asks for it.

Mal moves closer to Ben and is curled into his side within ten minutes, her feet in Evie’s lap. Evie totally doesn’t mind, it’s just that she can’t readjust herself without moving Mal and she’s sort of uncomfortable. Evie spends more time watching Mal than the movie, but it’s not like that matters at all.

They pass around a couple of bags of chips and bowls of popcorn, as well as quite a bit of candy and some sugary drinks. Evie pretends to eat a bit of whatever is passed her way, even though the only thing she actually puts in her mouth is a small piece of chocolate. She’s really grateful that Lonnie and Mal are both paying significantly more attention to the movie than she is.

After the first movie, they have a sort of bathroom break. Mal has to move so that Ben can get up, which allows Evie to finally reposition herself. Lonnie gets up, partially to stretch and partially to make it easier for Evie to move, and Evie pretends not to notice the knowing look Lonnie’s giving her.

It’s a little less than an hour until they all need to be back in their rooms when they finish the second movie. Mal had spent most of the second movie holding Ben’s hand and resting her head against Evie’s shoulder. Evie tries incredibly hard to not feel even a little bit smug about the fact that Mal’s cheek is against her shoulder, and not Ben’s.

People start to move around and get up and stuff, but Evie doesn’t move a muscle in fear of disturbing Mal. There’s some sort of conversation happening, but Evie’s too focussed on controlling her breathing so that she moves as little as possible to really pay attention to what they’re saying.

“Okay, come on! Everyone has to help clean up a bit.” Audrey has a very regal voice, Evie notices absently, more focused on Mal moving her head off her shoulder. Mal pushes herself up off the couch, closely followed by both Ben and Evie. Everyone picks up wrappers and rearranges cushions and blankets. When Audrey is moderately satisfied, people sit back down. No one’s really in the mood to leave just yet.

“So are you guys glad you chose to stay in Auradon?” Evie can’t tell if Ben is asking about their well being, or about how well he did with his first decree. Evie nods, and she sees Carlos do the same.

“Yeah of course,” Mal answers for all of them.

“But don’t you like, miss your parents?” Evie is pretty sure that Audrey’s not trying to make her feel like shit, but she’s positive that both Lonnie and Mal can feel her body tense, and even though they’re hidden in her lap, she sees the way Mal crushes her hands into fists. “I mean, I know they’re villains, but they’re your family. Don’t you miss them?” Evie raises her eyes a bit and can see Carlos’s finger tapping rapidly against his thigh. He stops for a moment. Evie knows he’s counting how many times his fingertip hits his leg, and she knows he’s reached one hundred and one. The tapping resumes after another second.

“Yeah. Sometimes, I guess.” Jay’s voice sounds incredibly timid compared to usual, and Evie knows he’s telling the truth. Which is the whole problem, really, because _of course_ he misses his dad. He’s his _dad_. And Evie misses her mother more than she can believe sometimes, but she’d rather never see her again then go back to live with her. Her mother is horrible, and she’s pretty sure she didn’t even have it the worst out of the four of them.

Most people would assume Mal’s mom had been the meanest, but Evie’s not so sure. Mal’s mother is a conniving bitch, but she used to sing Mal to sleep and she tried to make sure that Mal had everything she needed, even if it was only because she could someday do something for her. So yeah, Maleficent is incredibly evil, the most evil of their parents according to almost everyone. But Evie’s not so sure. Because sometimes Carlos would knock on Evie’s door with a hat pulled down over his eyes and a limp in his step, and she knew that Jay had to sleep outside on more than one occasion because he didn’t steal enough shit that day, and she could never forget the way her mother would send her out to the men on the street in the shortest skirt she owned to ask them if they wanted to come by for dinner. So yeah, she missed her mother, but she hated her so much more.

Evie hadn’t realized she was about to cry until a drop of water hit her hand. She lowers her head slowly, hoping to everything that no one saw. She clenches her hands tight in her lap, trying to resist the urge to wipe her eyes. She feels a hand on her leg, and watches as Lonnie gives her knee a light squeeze, all the while keeping her eyes on Jay, who’s still talking. Evie really wants to be friends with Lonnie; she’s probably the nicest person Evie’s ever met.

“So I mean yeah I guess I miss him. He’s my dad,” Jay finishes lamely. Evie keeps her head down, trying to draw as little attention to herself as possible. No one speaks for a moment after that. Evie’s pretty sure they all can sense that this isn’t something that’s fun to talk about. Lonnie springs up from her seat fast to enough to almost make Evie do the same.

“Okay! So I think it’s probably about time for everyone to head back to their rooms. There’s less than thirty minutes till room check and Jane has to get all the way across campus to her house.” Lonnie is definitely the nicest person Evie’s ever met.

She gets back to her room before Mal, who’d walked back with Ben. She knows the two of them are probably kissing in the hallway, but Evie doesn’t even care. (Okay, so she totally does care, but it’s not like there’s anything she can do about it.)

She closes the door quietly behind her and leaves the lights off before kicking off her shoes. She crosses the room to her closet, pulling her shirt over her head as she goes. She drops the shirt and then her bra on the floor. She just wants to go to bed right now and she can pick them up in the morning. She grabs a grey t shirt that used to be Jay’s and tugs it over her head. After barely even thinking about it, she strips her leggings off her legs, leaving them in a pile beside her bed. The shirt she’s wearing hits low enough to hide the scars on her legs, but it’s not like that even matters when she’ll be sleeping.

She leaves the bathroom door open and wipes off her makeup while on the toilet. At this point she’ll do anything to get in bed before Mal gets back. She drops the wipes in the trash and flushes. She turns on the sink and smears soap across her face, splashing water against it in a way that barely qualifies as washing. She blots her face with a towel, drying her hands in the process.

She pulls the covers up to her chin, curling into a ball on her side. She bites her lip hard enough to leave a brief indent, because Evie is not going to cry over her fucking mother. The door opens a moment later, and Evie can see Mal’s silhouette reach for the lightswitch. She stops before flicking it on, though, and Evie knows that the clothes she left strewn across the floor are visible in the glow from the hallway. Mal shuts the door and crosses to her own closet, changing clothes in the near darkness.

When the bathroom door clicks shut behind Mal, Evie starts to cry. She’s trying really hard to keep quiet, and when Mal leaves the bathroom, she’s pretty sure she doesn’t notice. But a few minutes after Mal climbs into her own bed, Evie knows that she’s failing at keeping her breathing calm. She’s shaking with sobs at this point, and she wants so badly to climb in bed with Mal. But Mal’s got a boyfriend, and Evie doesn’t know where the boundaries are, anymore.

It takes less than five more minutes for Mal’s feet to hit the floor. She lifts up the other side of Evie’s blankets and crawls in beside her, wrapping her arms around the bawling girl. Mal doesn’t say anything, and Evie knows it’s because she thinks she’ll say something wrong. Evie lays her head on her chest, but she doesn’t stop crying until she falls asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the movie, everyone's clothes are like way fairytale, and in this, they're like not. So. And like. This is just really not good I think?? Which sucks, cause I'd like it to be. But oh well.

When she wakes up, Evie becomes painfully aware of Mal’s legs tangled in her own. Her eyes hurt and her cheeks are already starting to burn from the embarrassment of turning into a sobbing mess over nothing. She wiggles away from Mal, trying her damndest not to wake her. But to be fair, she probably could have shoved Mal to the floor without her opening her eyes; Mal can sleep through everything. Evie can’t sleep through anything.

She pads over to the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her. She takes a deep breath and places her cool fingertips on her eyelids before looking at herself in the mirror. It makes her want to start crying again. She curses at her reflection and begins to wash her face.

It’s been almost twenty minutes by the time she has her makeup completely applied. She pulls her hair up into a ponytail. It looks good enough. Or at least as good as it’s going to get. On her way to her closet, she picks up the clothing she discarded throughout the room last night, and tries not to think about how much it looks like the aftermath of a sex scene.

Evie doesn’t really like that it’s getting colder. It never gets all that cold in Auradon, but it’s swiftly approaching no exposed skin weather. And Evie is going to fight the climate as much as she can. By ignoring it completely. After putting on her (matching) underwear, she tugs a dark blue long sleeve v neck t shirt over her head. She pulls a pair of black satiny shorts over her legs, buttoning them as tight as they will go before slipping a matching vest over her arms, leaving the buttons undone. Evie honestly really likes this almost-suit that she made. And it’s very comfortable.

She opens another drawer and takes out a pair of socks, pulling them over her feet and a few inches up her calves. She slips her feet into her black (faux) suede ankle boots, looping the laces around her ankles and through the small loop on the back of her shoe. Evie knows that she’s good at making things, and it’s not like she had anything to do on the Isle other than trade fruit for fabric and threats for thread. It wasn’t until she got to Auradon that she really knew she was good, because the kids here have real money to spend on real clothes, and they keep asking her where she gets hers.

She pushes her socks down so that they bunch up just above her ankles, and reenters the bedroom. Mal is still asleep, curled up in Evie’s bed and looking painfully adorable. It’s a little after ten now, and Evie knows Mal would be pissed off if she missed breakfast. Evie really doesn’t want to wake her up, though, so she decides she should just go down to the dining hall and grab something for Mal. The fact that this would also create the illusion that she ate something is only an added bonus.

She bends over her box of ribbons and buttons and such, rising again with a blue satin ribbon. She proceeds to stand in front of the mirror and wrap it around her head like a headband, ending with what Evie knows is a bit of a ridiculous looking bow. She stares at her reflection for a few moments longer, smoothing out the invisible wrinkles in her appearance.

 

Upon entering the dining hall, she immediately sees Carlos, Lonnie, and Ben clustered together at their usual table. Ben sees her, and waves at her to come over. She really hates that he’s so damn nice.

“Hey, Evie. Do you want to sit with us? We’re sort of almost done, but we’d totally love to sit with you. Plus I know that I, for one, could go for some more pancakes.” Again, she hates that Ben is so fucking nice. It would be super if she could hate something about him other than the fact that she can’t hate him.

“Oh thanks, but I’m just grabbing something for me and Mal. She’s still asleep and you know how’d she be if she missed breakfast.” It’s only half a joke, because Evie knows he really does know how she’d be. She spent the night at his ~~house~~ castle for a weekend a while ago. Ben nods, giving her another grin. Lonnie’s eyebrows furrow, but she smiles at Evie all the same. Evie tries really hard not to wonder why her smile seems so forced. Carlos nods at Evie as she passes him, his mouth full of food but eyes bright with the expression he can’t fit his face into, right now.

She wraps two muffins up in paper napkins and grabs an orange and two tubs of yogurt with spoons. She waves at her friends with her hands full on the way out, and it’s only partially to show Lonnie how much food she has.

She closes the door to her room as quietly as she can, using her shoulder to stop it before it hits the frame. She places the food on the table beside her books, glancing over at Mal’s still sleeping form before picking the blueberry muffin and one of the tubs of yogurt and a spoon up and walking to the bathroom. She shuts the door, still focusing on being quiet before opening the yogurt and spooning it into the toilet. She sets the almost empty container on the counter before picking off pieces of the muffin, careful not to drop too big of a piece. She continues until about half of the bottom of the muffin is left, then flushes the toilet and exits the bathroom, sitting down at the table and setting up the little food she has left to look like she ate it.

She’s read all of her chemistry and almost fifteen pages of her history homework before Mal starts to stir. Evie glances up, and sees Mal stretch her arms above her head. She looks adorable.

“What time is it?” Mal’s voice is raspy in the most cliche way possible, but that doesn’t mean Evie doesn’t have to focus in on gruesome pictures in her textbook to keep from blushing.

“Almost eleven, I think.” Evie’s gaze is still fixed on a picture of a beheading.

“Shit!” She hears Mal spring up in bed. “I’m going to miss breakfast!” Evie smiles at the dead body on the page.

“No you’re good. I went down and brought you something.” She looks up at Mal then, if only to see her reaction. She sinks back into Evie’s pillows.

“You are the best ever,” she sighs. Evie hears the ‘friend’ in there, even though she doesn’t want to. Mal slides out of bed a minute later, and Evie definitely does not look at Mal’s legs in the incredibly short black shorts she’s wearing. She also does not notice the sliver of stomach between the top of those shorts and the grey tank top, or the fact that Mal is definitely _not_ wearing a bra.

“Oh good, you ate.” That comment makes Evie feels like she might throw up all the food she didn’t eat, because that sounds an awful lot like “I didn’t think you would.”

“Sorry I didn’t wait for you. I just didn’t know when you’d wake up.” Evie’s trying really hard to keep focusing on her history book.

“No dude, it’s totally cool. Thanks for bringing me food. I won’t be eating again until like one or two. Ben’s bringing a picnic on the boat.” Mal rips the top off of her yogurt.

“Oh that’s great! And really romantic!” Evie hopes that she’s not over gushing. It’s hard to really tell. Mal rolls her eyes, and Evie knows she did just fine.

“Yeah, I guess. I’ve got to be ready in like, an hour, though.” The “will you help me” is unspoken.

When Mal finishes eating, Evie throws all of the trash away and follows Mal into her closet. Evie flicks through Mal’s dresses, over half of which were made by her. She feels a swell of pride at this every time she sees one of friends’ closets. After a few minutes and with no input from Mal, Evie pulls out a plainish black dress that flares out after the waist and Evie thinks looks really great on Mal. (The fact that Evie thinks everything looks really great on Mal is 100% irrelevant.)

She hands the dress to Mal, who immediately begins to strip out of her pajamas. Evie’s pretends to turn around only to find the tights and shoes she’s looking for, and not ~~partially~~ mainly so she doesn’t stare at Mal. Mal’s probably the most confident person Evie’s ever met (rivaled only by Jay), and she knows Mal wouldn’t think twice about standing naked, or at least mostly so, in front of Evie.

Evie turns back around, black fishnets and a pair of dark green velvety booties with thick heels in hand. Evie didn’t make these shoes, but she did meticulously glue the gold spikes and studs to the heels. Mal’s almost got the dress all the way on, and turns her back to Evie, pulling her hair to the side in a motion that Evie knows means she wants Evie to zip the dress. Evie steps forward, sliding the zipper up easily, and definitely not lingering over Mal’s bra.

She hands her the tights and shoes, and Mal easily rolls the tights up her legs, stepping into the shoes, which make her a good two inches taller than Evie. They exit the closet together, and Mal heads to the bathroom to do her makeup. She comes out about thirty minutes later, asking Evie to braid her hair. She braids it across her head, letting Mal’s purple curls cascade through the loops and down her neck.

Mal smiles at herself in the mirror differently than Evie does, which is definitely a good thing. Ben should be here any minute, and Evie almost doesn’t care, because Mal looks amazing.

“You look beautiful,” she says to Mal’s back. She sees Mal smile at her in the mirror, which is a thank you enough for Evie. There’s a knock on the door, and Mal asks her to answer it while she fixes her lipstick.

It’s very unexpected to see Ace on the other side of the door. Evie’s sure her expression shows it, if the way his face shifts into something resembling a deer in the headlights is any indication.

“Hey. Sorry if you were busy or something. I just talked to my mom last night and she said she would love to pick us up and take us to the fabric store and maybe an early dinner? She says she hasn’t seen me in way too long anyway, even though it’s barely been a month. So I mean, if you’re free today and want to go, it’d be great.” Evie is most likely beaming by the end of his pitch, even if the part about eating dinner makes her stomach churn.

“Of course! I would love to go! I totally can’t wait to get started on this.” She swears she did not mean to let out a squeal. “I’m sorry. I’m just so excited!” Ace looks a little uncomfortable, but happy nonetheless.

“Okay awesome. She said she could be here around four, so I’ll go call her and tell her that would be good. See you later.” He waves from two feet in front of her, and leaves before Evie can say anything else. She doesn’t even have time to shut the door before she sees Ben turn the corner at the end of the hallway, dressed in a white button down shirt tucked into black slacks with light brown oxfords. Evie has to admit he looks pretty great.

Mal’s still not out of the bathroom by the time Ben reaches the door, and Evie invites him in. He sits down in the chair Mal was sitting in earlier, and Evie tries to participate in the conversation he initiates. She really does.

“So are you coming to the tourney game on Tuesday?” Evie nods absentmindedly.

“Yeah I think so. Like everyone is.” Ben nods.

“Right, yeah.” He glances around the room, and she sees his eyes fall on her open textbooks.

“So are you liking the classes? Mal says you’re doing really well.” He is such a king, and Evie can’t help but think that it makes him sound old.

“Oh yeah. They’re good.” She really wishes Mal would hurry up.

“That’s good.”

“Hey, E!” she hears Mal call from behind the bathroom door. “Is Ben here yet?” She can tell Ben’s about to answer, but she beats him to it.

“Yeah he’s here.” The door opens a few seconds later and Ben stands as Mal walks towards him. Evie moves out of the way.

“Bye, Evie! I’m not really sure when we’ll be back, but I’m guessing a little before dinner.” Evie smiles and nods and doesn’t mention that she probably won’t be here. She just really wants Mal and Ben out of the room. It sucks how cute they are.

The breathes a sigh of relief when the door bangs shut behind them, and Evie sits back down in front of her textbooks, pushing them to the side as she continues to work on her designs for Ace. She doesn’t leave the room until he knocks on her door four hours later.

“Hey. You ready to go?” Ace sort of looks like he doesn’t know whether to enter the room or stay in the hall.

“Yeah. I’ve just got to grab my purse. You can come in, if you want,” she adds, noticing the way he leans in the door. He does, and she walks over to grab the small navy blue bag from the hooks beside the mirror. She makes sure that everything she has, which isn’t much to be honest, is in here.

“Okay. I’m ready if you are.” Ace nods, rising from the chair he’d sat in just a moment earlier.

“Awesome. My mom’s waiting outside.”

“Kay, well, let’s go!” Evie’s trying really hard to not think about how weird this actually is.

She follows Ace down the stairs and out the door, stopping beside him in front a pale blonde woman. Evie extends her hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m Evie.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Evie. I’m Alice.” She shakes her hand firmly.

“Mom already checked us both out, so we’re good to go.” Evie sits in the backseat of their car and is much more successful at smalltalk than she was earlier with Ben. They arrive at the fabric store and Ace’s mom turns off the car, turning towards him and Evie, who’s sitting behind him.

“Buy as much as you need. We have enough money for it, and Alex is really excited about this.” They both nod, and Evie’s sure she sputters out some sort of awkward expression of gratitude, but then they’re in the store, and this is probably the most wonderful place Evie has ever been. There’s so many colors and textures and fabrics and she could do anything with only what she can see right now. She could do everything.

Ace helps her pick out colors and such, the two of them flipping through the pages in Evie’s notebook to double check the plans she already had. They spend over an hour in there, but it’s much too short for Evie’s taste.

When they get back in the car, Evie is absolutely glowing.

“So where do you two want to go for dinner?” Alice asks, backing out of their parking spot. Ace looks at Evie.

“Oh, whatever you guys decide is fine with me,” Evie assures them. She feels like they wouldn’t be down for just not eating. Ace and his mom bounce ideas back and forth, before they eventually decide to go to a place that Evie’s never heard of with hamburgers and that sort of thing. Evie hasn’t had a burger since she was on the Isle, and she really hopes they taste better in Auradon.

They do, as it turns out, even though Evie eats less than half of hers. She eats fifteen french fries (she counted), and gets away with it by telling them that she had a big lunch. The waiter asks if she would like a togo box, and she says yes. She’ll leave it Jay and Carlos’s room. It’ll be gone within the hour.

When they get back to school, she waits while Ace says goodbye to his mom. They walk in to school together, both towards the boys’ dorms. They get to Carlos and Jay’s room before Ace’s, and both of them stop outside.

“Thank you for taking me to the store.” Evie can see Ace roll his eyes, even though he’s not really facing her.

“No it’s cool. You’re doing this for me, so it’s really the least I could do. And thanks again, for doing this for me, I mean.” Evie nods.

“It’s no problem. I like designing.”

“Do you like need any measurements or anything?” he asks as he starts to turn down the hall.

“No I think I’ve got it. I can usually just go by sight, but if I need anything I’ll tell you.”

“Okay, bye. See you in class or something.”

 

“Bye!” Evie is still feeling incredibly light, even with the ~~food~~ lead weights in her stomach. She knocks on the boys’ door, and enters when one of them makes a noise of acknowledgement.

“Hey!” She sets her bags of fabric down on the table. “I brought you guys some food.” Neither of them turn away from their video game.

“Will you put it in the fridge?” Jay asks. Evie crosses the room, sticking the box on the top shelf of their already full mini fridge. After another minute, Carlos pauses the game.

“So I guess you’re not coming to dinner then?” Carlos asks, obviously tempted to follow her over to see what’s in the box.

“No. What’re you guys doing tonight?” They both shrug.

“I don’t know. Just chilling. We’re about to head to the dining hall now. I know you’ve already eaten, but do you want to come?” Jay begins to pull on his shoes as talks.

“No thanks. I’m gonna head to my room. See you later.” They both say goodbye and Evie leaves again, walking down the empty hallway towards her dorm.

Mal’s not there when she walks in, but her stuff is. Evie thinks she’s probably at dinner. She starts to pull fabric out of bags, then sets up her sewing machine. It’s not that hard to focus on the clothes instead of Mal’s date.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also, trigger warning for self harm in this chapter. I wouldn't say it's very graphic, but I don't know other people standards and such so. Shit really hits the fan this chapter. I sort of wanted to end it sooner, but I couldn't find a way for it to end cleanly, so. Here it is. A big pile of shit tbh. Enjoy.

“Hey. Where’d you go?” The door clicks shut behind Mal.

“Ace got his mom to take me to the fabric store so that I could have fabric to make clothes for him.” She’s in the middle of sewing a seam and really doesn’t mean for the detachment in her voice to come off as rude.

“Oh.” Evie nods, and for a few seconds there’s no sounds except the whirring of her sewing machine.

“Cool. Who the hell is Ace.” Evie still doesn’t look up, but she’s almost done with the seam and she starts talking.

“Oh. He’s this kid from chemistry. It’s sorta a long story but I told him that I would totally design and make him some clothes, and he said that would be cool, so now I am!” By the end of her brief explanation, she’s looking at Mal, and she sort of wishes she wasn’t. Because Mal’s still in her date clothes and still looks painfully beautiful. She also looks upset.

“How did your date go?” Evie really really hates herself for hoping that the answer is not well.

“It was great. Ben’s still the sweetest ever. I think I’m going to break up with him. His boat is super nice, too. To be fair, it’s like the only boat I’ve been on so…” Mal trails off, and Evie ignores the way her chest constricts and she can’t really breathe.

“You… You think you’re going to break up with him?” She tries to ignore her pulse fluttering in every part of her body.

“Yeah, I mean. He’s sweet. And really super great. And I like him, like I definitely do. But… I definitely don’t love him. I think he might just be… I don’t know, too nice, maybe? It doesn’t matter. I just don’t love him, and I think Carlos really might. I think Ben might like him too.” Mal shrugs, and Evie can tell that while she’s sort of upset, it’s not about breaking up with Ben, and that makes Evie feel lighter than she has in years.

But on the other hand, Mal’s not supposed to know about Carlos. Hell, Evie’s not even supposed to know about Carlos. She thinks Mal’s probably wrong about the love thing, but honestly, Carlos and Ben are a much better match than Mal and Ben.

“Are you like okay with that?” Evie wants to punch herself for having no idea what to say, but it’s sort of hard to comfort someone for a breakup that you’ve wanted for months.

“Yeah I am. I really don’t think I like him that much. It might just be cause I don’t know him that well, but whatever. Just like… Carlos knows he can trust me right? Like I know I can be pretty shitty sometimes, but he’s my… He’s my friend. He knows that I would’ve let him give Ben the love potion instead, right? Or at least would’ve broken up with him. He doesn’t think I don’t care about him, does he?” Evie feels her heart shatter, tiny shards of glass piercing her chest, because she has never, in all her years of knowing Mal, seen her even slightly insecure. And it _kills_ her. Because if there’s one thing Mal cares about it’s her family, and it’s painful to see her thinking that they may not know that.

“No.” It’s barely above a whisper and Evie knows it’s because her voice would break if she spoke any louder. She clears her throat. “No, Mal. No. He knows that. Shit. He does. You’re not a bad person and you’re not a bad friend. Ever. You’re so so wonderful. You really are. He just- I think he just didn’t want to upset you. We all thought you really liked Ben. Oh shit, Mal. He knows you love him. Really.” Evie knows that her wavering voice and flimsy words probably didn’t make much of a difference, but she holds her arms out all the same. Mal moves closer, allowing Evie to initiate the hug. She wraps her arms around Mal like she’s afraid the other girl may explode and she’s the only thing that could hold her together.

“Okay. Sorry about that.” Mal still doesn’t pull away though, and it makes Evie’s chest swell. “Would you be down with just going over to Audrey and Lonnie’s dorm and maybe seeing if they want to do something?” Evie nods into Mal’s shoulder, and they finally break apart to leave the room.

Evie stares at Mal from the corner of her eye the whole walk to the other girls’ room, which to be fair, is not very far. Mal seems okay, though, and while Evie knows she never seems anything but, it makes Evie feel a little better about the whole thing. Mal knocks on the door with just as much confidence as usual, and either she really is sort of alright, or she’s an even better actor than Evie is.

Lonnie’s grinning when she swings open the door. But honestly, Lonnie’s almost always grinning, except when she’s looking at Evie lately, and Evie knows that must mean that she is beyond on to her. “Hey guys! What’s up?”

“Do you and Audrey want to hang out or something?” Mal sounds like she’ll be upset if Lonnie says no, and that’s how Evie knows that she’s really not as alright as she seems.

“Audrey’s out with Chad right now, but I’d love to. Do you guys want to come in?” Mal nods for both of them and they follow Lonnie back into her room. “So what’s up guys?”

“Not much. We were just bored and I’m going to break up with Ben.” Evie has known Mal long enough to understand why she won’t just tell people the thing she wants them to know. She thinks it looks like asking for pity or sadness or help; she thinks it looks like she’s being weak.

“Ok. Why?” Evie is impressed at how honestly calm and unsurprised Lonnie looks, but then again, she’s really not, because Lonnie is one of the nicest and most observant people Evie has met. Lonnie knows how to read people and how to react the way they want her to. Evie hears Mal’s breath whistle past her lips and she looks over in time to see her shoulders relax as much as they ever do.

“I don’t like him that much, and I think Carlos does.” Mal’s voice is significantly less breathy than when she told Evie, and she knows that means that Mal has made up her mind one hundred percent and is not going to back out of this.

“Yeah, I think he does, too. Do you want to watch something dumb and eat junk food?” Evie really does not want to eat junk food, or any food for that matter, but Mal’s the only thing that could ever outweigh that, and so she will at least pretend. Mal isn’t really acting like herself, and it makes Evie want to disintegrate.

They sit on Lonnie’s couch for a while, none of them really paying attention to what’s on the television. Evie is so so glad that’s Mal is between Lonnie and herself, because Mal doesn’t notice when Evie reaches into the bags of food and doesn’t pull anything out. Evie doesn’t take her eyes off Mal once. It’s not even so much about being worried anymore; it’s just that she really sort of loves Mal and she looks beautiful and there’s nothing interesting on the tv, anyway.

“I’m gonna go use the bathroom.” Mal pushes herself up off her Evie’s knee. As soon as the door closes behind Mal, Lonnie pauses the television. Evie’s not sure why she suddenly feels so nervous until Lonnie starts talking.

“How long have you liked Mal?” Evie’s breath catches in her throat and her heart stops beating. She raises an eyebrow at Lonnie, thanking years of an eating disorder for her lying ability.

“Well I mean, we’ve been friends for like five years, and we sort of clicked immediately, so five years I guess?” She bites down hard on the inside of her lip after she finishes the sentence to keep her lips from shaking. Lonnie nods, and Evie knows that she doesn’t believe her confusion for even a second. Lonnie knows that Evie knows exactly what she meant, and Evie knows that Lonnie knows she’s lying.

Lonnie doesn’t start the television again, and it’s too quiet in the room. Mal is taking too long in the bathroom and Evie feels like she’s being strangled. “Like, four and a half years.” Her voice is shaking way too much and it’s really barely audible and she needs to punch herself in the face because she’s so fucking embarrassing. “Please don’t tell Mal,” she whispers, the volume of her voice dropping even more by the tears threatening to pour out.

Lonnie looks up then, almost offended by Evie’s plea. “Why on Earth would I tell her? I would never do that to you; you’re my friend.” Lonnie’s eyebrows crease together in sincerity that matches her voice, and Evie has to swallow harshly four times to stop the sobs from escaping, because Lonnie just called her her _friend_ and she really shouldn’t be the one crying right now. She doesn’t understand why Lonnie is being so fucking _nice_ , and why she thinks it’s weird that Evie is willing to beg for this to stay a secret, because Evie isn’t out to _anyone_ , (well, she’s sort of out to Lonnie, now) but she kissed a girl when she was fourteen and drunk off her ass, and the girl almost broke Evie’s nose and made Evie sleep with her brother in exchange for his sister keeping quiet.

Evie is saved from responding by Mal emerging from the bathroom, which is probably for the best, because it’s not like Evie could really think of anything to say, anyway. Lonnie restarts the television and Mal takes her seat between the two of them, laying her head on Evie’s shoulder. Evie tries to focus on the screen for the first time that night, and not on Mal’s breath against her neck.

They pass the time aimlessly, and at five to twelve, decide that Evie and Mal probably really need to go back to their room. “Bye!” Mal calls, already out the door and halfway down the hall before Evie even steps out of the room. Mal stops and turns, waiting for Evie at the end of the hall, and Evie really wishes she could hurry up and look Lonnie in the goddamn face so she can say goodbye and thanks and be on her way. But for some stupid reason, her eyes stay fixed on Lonnie’s collarbone, because she can’t move her gaze any further up, and she sure as hell isn’t going to look down, because now Lonnie knows that Evie likes girls, and sure she’s being nice right now, but she won’t be if she thinks Evie might like _her_.

It’s been almost a full minute and she just knows that Mal must be tapping her foot down the hall, because it does _not_ take normal people this long to say goodbye. But Evie isn’t normal, because her hands started shaking after less than ten seconds, and she balled them into fists almost immediately, but she thinks she probably looks a lot like she’s getting ready to punch Lonnie. Which is sort of funny, since she’s still bracing herself for Lonnie’s own fists to hit her face. She doubts Lonnie would do that, but she wouldn’t blame her if she did.

“Bye, Evie,” Lonnie says, voice just slightly too loud to be called a whisper.

“Bye.” Evie still hasn’t looked at her, and she turns to leave the room. “And uh, thanks.” She’s not even sure if Lonnie can hear her from her position frozen in the doorway, back to the room. She rushes down the hallway before she can figure it out.

Mal doesn’t ask what took her so long, and Evie has never been more grateful for Mal’s respect of other people’s privacy. (That she wants Mal to ask her what’s wrong is totally irrelevant.)

Evie has a hard time sleeping that night, and she tries really hard to convince herself that it’s only because of the food she can still feel in her stomach.

Evie doesn’t leave her bed until after 2pm the next day. It’s the first time all year Mal’s been up before her. Evie doesn’t even try to deny to herself that it’s so she has a good excuse for missing lunch. She does, however, try to pretend that the reason for wanting to miss lunch so badly has nothing to do with seeing Lonnie, who knows her biggest/second biggest/third biggest secret. (She still hasn’t been able to decide which of her ~~secrets~~ _flaws_ are the worst for people to know.)

She puts on all her makeup and fixes her hair before she changes her clothes. Mal’s sitting at the table when Evie leaves the bathroom, and she’s still there when Evie leaves her closet (now wearing a short sleeved dress with haphazard vertical stripes in different shades of blue and black and a pair of black pumps). She doesn’t really seem to be doing anything, though, and Evie almost asks her if something is wrong. Instead she pulls her thin black jacket over her arms and sits down across from her.

It’s at least six full minutes of silence, then, “I’m gonna go break up with Ben.” She’s up from the table before Evie has a chance to speak, and so she just nods at Mal’s back right before the door slams into place. She sighs.

There’s a knock on the door less than two minutes later, and at first she thinks it’s Mal. But then she realizes that Mal wouldn’t knock, and Mal always does what she says she will; she’ll be halfway to Ben’s room by now. Evie pushes herself out of the chair and ignores the way her vision blurs for a few seconds. She swings open the door to reveal the biggest smile she’s seen at least all weekend.

“Hey, Evie,” Doug grins. Evie is honestly a bit impressed by his constant cheerfulness. She plasters on a smile of her own, because she’s Evie, goddammit, incredibly anxious or not. “I was getting the packages my mom sent me, and I saw you had a letter, so I grabbed it for you.” He holds out an envelope then, and Evie’s vision starts to blur all over again.

“Thanks, Doug,” she says, trying to mask the dryness in her mouth with another smile. “That was really sweet of you.” Doug just grins wider. “I hope your packages are great.” She realizes that this may be one of the lamest things she’s ever said, but he seems to realize that the conversation is over. His smile fades just a bit, but he tells her to have a nice day and waves as he trots down the hall. Evie really wasn’t trying to be rude, it’s just that the thick white envelope is so _white_ and there’s a red ribbon on the back, held in place by a blue wax seal. And it’s not that Evie isn’t overreacting, it’s just that she only knows one person who sends letters that look like this, and Evie had sort of been planning to never speak to her mother again.

She slips her fingernail under the flap, trying not to tear the envelope. She doesn’t have a letter opener, and the only other bladed tool she can think of is in her bathroom drawer. She slides the crisp white paper from the envelope before placing everything on the table in front of her. The (presumed) letter is folded perfectly, and after a few seconds she picks it up again. Her fingertips stain the blank white sheet.

She’s not really sure what she was expecting, but somehow it was something other than what she read.

_Dear Evelyn,_

_This message could only be withheld from you for so long, as it is for **your own well being** that I must tell you this. When I watched the footage of the damned coronation, I thought that you must have been so focused on your plan to get the wand that you had not had enough time to take care of yourself. However, when you not only failed to retrieve the wand, but failed to acknowledge your **subpar** looks, I realized that you may have truly believed you were doing enough._

_You are sixteen years old, Evelyn. While it is acceptable, though not desirable, for me to look the way I do, you must **try harder**. You will **never** catch the eye of a **prince** if you keep this up. **No one** will love you if you keep **failing** to lose the fat from your stomach, hips, arms, and legs, _

Evie stops taking in most of what she’s reading after that. The words that are bolder than the rest (the words that her mother had traced over and over just to make sure that Evie truly understood) are all she really takes in. She repeats them to herself as her fingers fumble through her desk drawer. “Fat. Failing. Ugly. Disgrace.” She withdraws her hands, clutching a roll of tape in one and a pair of scissors in the other. “You’re a fucking failure, Evie. You need to do better.” Her voice is strong and clear even though her vision isn’t. She ignores the steady stream of tears down her face as she plasters the letter to the corner of the mirror.

She uses the entire roll of tape. The page looks laminated.

The tears have slowed by this point, and she slips out of her shoes and jacket on her way to the bathroom. She tugs open the drawer and pulls out her makeup remover and a new razor. Her dress is on the floor before she hears the click of the drawer shutting. She scrubs furiously at her face and thighs, and when she looks at herself in the mirror, she wants to throw up. She doesn’t know if the red blotches are from the tears or the ferocity of her scrubbing, and she doesn’t care.

It takes at least three minutes for her to wrench her gaze from her reflection. She runs her finger along the plastic turquoise handle before biting into the side of the safety guard. She does the same to the other side, peeling off the top layer of plastic. She cuts away the rest with a pair of nail clippers that were lying on the counter. They’re Mal’s.

She pulls each piece of metal off the plastic, leaving the two useless pieces on the counter with the plastic. Her fingers run through her hair, and she perches herself almost precariously on the edge of the bathtub, toes still touching the cool tile floor. Evie really doesn’t hurt herself often. She can count every time on her fingers and toes. It takes almost all of them for her to count every occasion she’s done it, but still. On her left thigh, she has thin vertical scars, some running from the bottom of her underwear down her leg for more than five inches. The other leg is all horizontal, most shorter and thicker with more blurred edges. They’re starting to blend into her skin and she can almost feel them better than she can see.

There’s ten thick cuts on her left thigh, and she wants to do more, but she’s just tired and sad and she sort of just wants to die. The bleeding slows down fairly quickly, but Evie gets tired of waiting for it to stop, so she places a large bandage over them and pretends not to notice the red she can see spreading beneath it. She gets up, barely stopping to run her bloody fingers under the faucet on the way back to the mirror, to her mother’s letter.

She leaves the bloody tissues on the floor where she dropped them.

She starts crying again, standing in front of the mirror. Her eyes aren't clouded enough to block the bolded words on the paper from her view. They almost look nice in her mother’s elegant loopy scrawl. Evie can just imagine her mother sitting calmly at the old desk in her bedroom, tracing the letters she needs Evie to understand, because after all, Evie’s so dimwitted she might not get it.

She almost laughs then, as her fingertips pinch and prod at her stomach, because Evie _knows_ she’s not stupid; she’s doing better than Doug on the tests, now, and she doesn’t know if she’s really smart but, she can understand an insult as well as the next girl. She’s always been able to. But she doesn’t laugh, and she just sobs harder, fingernails clawing against the skin on her stomach and her arms and her chest and her back and her hips and when she hears the door open, she freezes.

As soon as she can think, her hands fly to cover her stomach, and that makes her lip quiver even more, because when she sees Mal’s eyes scan Evie’s body in the mirror, she realizes just how fucking stupid that was. Now Mal is going to know just how fucked up she is.

She watches Mal in the mirror as her eyes scan the room. She can see the exact moment that Mal notices the letter taped the glass, and her green eyes squint as if to read it. It’s then that Evie realizes that she has no way out of this, because her mother’s handwriting is huge and regal and _legible_ , and Mal can probably read at least the bolded words from across the room.

“God, Evie,” Mal breathes out. She crosses the room in angry strides and Evie honestly thinks Mal’s going to hit her, but instead she rips the letter off the mirror and places it facedown on the table a few feet away. “God, Evie,” she repeats, and Evie hates the way the tears spill out from her eyes once again. Mal runs a hand through her purple hair, still staring at Evie, and Evie can’t help the choked sob that escapes her lips. She must look terrible, she thinks, standing there in her lacy navy blue underwear, arms wrapped around her stomach and shaking with sobs. She knows the bandage on her leg is heavy with blood and that there’s not a soul in the world that would believe she hadn’t been crying. No one was supposed to see her like this. Mal wasn’t supposed to see her like this.

“God, Evie.” It’s the third time she’s said it and Evie doesn’t know what to do. “Don’t tell me you believe her?” Mal’s voice sounds like it’s breaking, or she’s breaking, or maybe just Evie’s breaking or is broken or whatever, but Evie slams her eyes shut and knows that she’s crying harder than she ever has before. She knows Mal must hate her, but a second later she feels arms wrap around her shaking form and somehow Mal always smells like the home she never had.

“You fucking idiot.” Mal still sounds like she might already be crying, and Evie tries really hard to ignore the fact that she wants to crawl out of her skin. She sinks into Mal, who supports her as she leads both of them onto the floor. Evie feels Mal pulling her into her lap, and she just rests her head against her chest, still sobbing. Mal sounds almost angry when she speaks this time. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter sucks, but oh well. It is just really not great, and it's also short. But school just started on Monday, and I have theater every day until like 6, then homework, and Advanced Algebra II is already kicking my ass so. Sorry.

It takes Evie almost five minutes to actually realize what’s happening, and she immediately starts to pull away from Mal, mumbling apologies under her breath. And fuck, she needs to be wearing more clothes because she’s too fat and not pretty enough and her stomach and arms are bare and her thighs are covered in ugly scars and she can’t cover all of herself up at the same time. Her dress is in the bathroom, and she wishes it were closer, because she needs something to just snatch and hold over herself.

She’s crying too frantically and Mal’s still sort of hugging her, and she really can’t stand someone seeing her like this. She digs her fingernails hard enough into her forearm that there’s skin under her nails after she drags them up her arms. The long pseudo-gashes aren’t bleeding, but the skin is raw and Evie hates that this helps.

“Evie.” Mal grabs Evie’s hands in her own, holding them steady. “Eve…” She trails off, and it was really more of a breath than a word to begin with, anyway. She moves to grab both of Evie’s wrists with one hand, and Evie wants to tell her how stupid it is that Mal thinks she’ll hurt herself if she has control of her hands. (She almost stops breathing when she realizes that she would.)

Mal uses her free hand to try to lift Evie’s head up. She flinches as soon as Mal’s fingers hit her neck, and Mal moves her hand up to her cheek. “Evie. You can’t… Oh god, I just- Fuck. I don’t know what to do, E. I can’t do this. I need to go get someone.” Mal combs her fingers through her hair and starts to stand up. She’s already taken a few steps towards the door when she wheels back around, kneeling down to meet Evie’s eyes once again.

“Come on.” She’s pulling Evie up before she even has time to protest. Dropping Evie’s hands, she rushes over to her closet, emerging a second later with something clutched in her fists. “Put this on.” She tosses the hoodie to Evie, and Evie is so terrified about how ruined her life is going to be, that she barely even cares that the hoodie belongs to Ben. Evie’s taller than Mal, but she’s thinner by now, too. The jacket (which she thinks might even be big on Ben), falls almost to her knees, and she’s sure she could comfortably fit both of her arms in one sleeve.

She’s staring at herself in the mirror when she feels Mal take her hand. She glances up at her face, and almost collapses, because Mal is fucking crying. Evie’s gaze shoots down to her toes. She hears Mal inhale, and Evie’s sure she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Instead, she swipes her fingers furiously under her eyes and tugs Evie towards the door and out into the hall. Evie pulls the hood over her head. Her eyes stay fixed on her feet the entire walk.

She doesn’t realize that not looking where she’s going might be a problem until Mal stops in front of Lonnie and Audrey’s door. Evie stops breathing and her heart stops beating and her blood stops moving because Mal is going to tell Lonnie and Lonnie is going to know all of her fucking secrets. Aka, Lonnie could ruin her life if she wanted to, and Evie doesn’t know why she wouldn’t want to.

It takes Mal almost a minute to knock on the door, and Evie’s not sure she takes a breath the entire time.

When Lonnie opens the door, she looks happy to see them. But when Lonnie sees Mal’s face, she doesn’t. She glances behind her back into the room, where Evie assumes Audrey is. “Hey. What’s up?” Lonnie sounds so casual, and looks like someone just told her she may need surgery.

“Do you want to come to me and Evie’s room for a bit?” Mal is trying so hard and she still sounds like she might break in half. It makes Evie feel like she’s choking, or maybe like she’s broken in half, too.

“Of course. No problem!” Lonnie steps out of the room immediately, even though Evie had noticed that she was wearing only one sock. Lonnie starts to open her mouth, but Evie sees Mal subtly shake her head out of the corner of her eye, and Lonnie stays quiet as they walk down the hall. Evie hasn’t looked directly at Lonnie this whole time.

Mal’s hands shake as she tries to turn the knob, and eventually Lonnie nudges her out of the way and opens the door herself. Mal collapses into one of the chairs, but both Evie and Lonnie stay standing by the door. Evie pulls the sleeves of ~~Mal’s~~ Ben’s hoodie farther down over her hands, balling the cuffs up into her fists.

“What’s going on?” Lonnie asks after another two minutes. Evie’s sure that she doesn’t need to ask; Evie’s sure she knows exactly how messed up she is.

“Evie-” Mal cuts herself off with a deep shaky breath, and Evie has never been so unnerved in her life. She’s never seen Mal like this before. She didn’t know Mal cared this much. “Evie’s mom sent her a letter and-” Mal stops abruptly again, and Evie wants to sink into the floor or turn invisible or die or _something_ that will get her out of here. She sees Mal reach across the table for the letter, picking it up and holding it out to Lonnie. Evie almost surges to grab it, but it’s pointless. She’d tell Lonnie anyway, and Evie would just look even more stupid and pathetic.

“Evie’s been… Um.” Mal never sounds like this. She’s always so sure of herself and she always knows how to speak so much more fluidly than Evie. “She _hurts_ herself, sometimes, and she just.” Mal keeps trying to continue, and keeps not continuing.

“Do you want me to do this?” Lonnie seems like she doesn’t know what to say, either. “I mean,” she glances at Evie, “it’s an important conversation. And like…” She trails off. Mal nods.

“I’m gonna go to- Outside. I’m going outside. I- I love you, Evie. I’m going outside.” Evie hates herself for making Mal act like, well, not Mal. She slams the door behind her, and Evie wonders if Mal has even eaten yet, because she didn't get back from talking to Ben until after dinner, and Evie really really tries to not think about the fact that that means she spent over three hours in front of the mirror.

“I know you already knew.” It’s the first thing Evie’s said to her, and it’s almost too quiet for Lonnie to even hear. Lonnie looks up at her, but doesn’t even start to deny it. “Can we like, not talk about it?” She knows it’s really too much to hope for, but she’s also pretty sure she’s about to start crying, and that would just be really embarrassing. Lonnie sighs.

“Evie, we sort of have to.” Evie shakes her head more frantically than she really intended to.

“No. No we don’t. I can stop. It’s fine. It’s not a big deal. It’s fine. Really,” she tries to assure her. Evie thinks she probably has three more sentences before she starts crying. Tops.

Lonnie shakes her head. “Yeah I mean you _can_ , but I don’t think you would if it was up to you. Evie, I am just so sorry that you have to deal with this, because it’s not fair, and it’s not fun, but eating disorders,” (Evie really hopes Lonnie doesn’t notice her flinch at the words), “aren’t something you can just stop. And it _is_ a big deal. It’s a huge deal, even if you don’t want it to be.” Lonnie looks like she, too, might cry, and this is exactly what Evie was trying to avoid: some long speech where someone tells her how much she matters and things that she already knows but pretends not to, because it’s just so much easier.

“I’m really totally fine. Really. I just-” her lips are trembling so much she can barely get the words out. “I just need to be pretty,” she sobs. “I just need to be better and good enough and people have to like me and I have to marry a stupid prince and be pretty and skinny and better and-” she’s not even sure if Lonnie can understand her. She’s not even sure if _she_ can understand her. She’s crying so hard and she can barely even breathe, and it only takes another second for Lonnie to move over and wrap her arms around Evie’s shaking frame. Evie tries really really hard not flinch. (She fails.)

“Okay, first of all, you are so, _so_ , ** _so_ ** beautiful, and so smart and so nice and so _amazing_ , so that’s not something that you need to worry about. And also, I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to marry a prince.” Lonnie probably didn’t mean to make Evie start crying even harder, but she does anyway. “No, I’m sorry. And you just need to get better, because you seriously deserve to.”

Evie keeps crying, and eventually Lonnie walks her over to her bed, and climbs into it beside her. It’s then that Evie remembers the bloody bandage on her leg, and the fact that she needs to change it. She starts to get up, but Lonnie stops her, asking what she needs.

“A bandaid.” Her voice is a bit hoarse from crying, and it takes Lonnie a moment to realize what she needs.

“Where are they?” she asks softly.

“They’re on the bathroom counter. I should probably get them. The bathroom is a mess.” Evie sounds so exhausted, because she is, but what she means is that the bathroom has bloody tissues on the ground and a disassembled razor on the counter.

“It’s fine. I can get it.” Evie just doesn’t care enough to protest at this point. Lonnie slips out of the bed and pads over to the bathroom, still with one sock on.

“Shit.” Evie squeezes her eyes shut when she hears the mumbled expletive from the bathroom doorway. After a few minutes and lots of movement in the bathroom, Lonnie returns with a box of bandaids and some other first aid stuff (that Evie never uses) clutched in her hands.

“I’m sorry. I told you I should go,” she whispers before Lonnie is even back in the bed.

“No. Now sit up.” Evie does, and Lonnie pushes the covers off her lap. “Will you push the sweatshirt up?” Evie stops moving when she realizes what Lonnie is about to do.

“I can- I can do it myself. You don’t have to- You shouldn’t- It’s ugly. And disgusting. I should- I can do it.” She hates that she’s almost crying again.

“No. You shouldn’t have to deal with this yourself, and I need to make sure that nothing is going to be infected, okay? Will you please push up the sweatshirt?” Evie nods, eyes filling with tears, and tugs the hem of the hoodie up over the thighs. Lonnie barely even reacts, and Evie is once again reminded of how amazing Lonnie really is. She takes the bandage off her leg, wipes off the semi-dried blood, and puts some sort of antibiotic cream on before securing a new bandaid. She places the first aid stuff on Evie’s bedside table.

“Are you ready to go to sleep? You must be exhausted.” Lonnie sounds more sympathetic than patronizing, and Evie really is so tired. She nods, pulling the blankets up to her chin and trying to wrap herself into the smallest ball she can. Lonnie follows suit, wrapping her arms around Evie again. It feels nice to have someone beside her. Not as nice as if that someone were Mal, but still nice. Evie snuggles into Lonnie, then realizes that Lonnie’s probably really really disgusted right now, because Lonnie knows that Evie likes Mal. She starts to pull away.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-”

“I swear, if you are about to say something about the fact that you like girls, I will legitimately punch you in the face.” Lonnie’s eyes are squeezed shut to block out the light that’s still on in the room, and even when she’s being mean, she’s still nice.

“I just- Sorry. I just mean like… I’m sorry.” She reinserts herself into Lonnie’s arms.

“I just don’t get how you hate yourself so much.” Lonnie sounds absolutely exhausted, and Evie feels terrible for keeping her up. “I’m sorry. Goodnight, Evie.”

“Goodnight,” she whispers, and a second later, “Thank you.” She feels Lonnie shake her head, and Evie’s pretty sure she falls asleep just a few minutes later.

The door opens almost fifteen minutes later, and Evie glances up to see Mal’s silhouette in the doorway. She closes the door behind her, guiding it into place noiselessly. Mal steps forward, almost cautious.

“Evie?” she whispers. Evie makes some sort of noise of recognition, and she listens as Mal walks to her closet and changes clothes. When she exits the closet, she flips the light switch, leaving the room in almost complete darkness. Evie’s not expecting to feel the bed dip as Mal gets in on her other side, cuddling up to Evie. She, too, wraps her arms around Evie, pulling the blankets back over the both of them.

“I am so so sorry, E. I love you so much. You know that, right?” Evie nods, and the thing is, she does know Mal loves her. She just doesn’t love her the same way. And that’s fine. It really is. Because she sort of has real friends now, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever have to see her mother again, and she’d rather have just some of Mal than none of Mal.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I am so sorry this took me so long. Everything is so hectic and I am so busy and the chapters are getting harder for me to write, but I am so so SO sorry. And also, thank you so much to everyone who has commented such amazing things. All of you are so unbelievably sweet and I get so happy (and flustered) reading that people actually like this. All of you are so great and just thanks so much for reading this. I will try to get this updated faster next time, but honestly, no promises. I think there's probably going to end up being like 10-15 chapters of this, but I'm not sure. Again, thanks so much and I am so sorry.

Evie wakes up three hours before her alarm the next morning, and it’s maybe because she’s so anxious, or maybe just because she fell asleep so much earlier than usual, but once she’s awake, she can’t go back to sleep.

It takes a few minutes to wriggle out from between Lonnie and Mal without waking either of them up. Once she’s on her feet she pads over to the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her. She turns to face herself in the mirror, and she tries her hardest not to grimace at her reflection.

She’s still wearing ~~Mal’s~~ Ben’s jacket, and that’s actually sort of weird. She should take that off soon; definitely change before class. “Shit,” she sighs, because yeah, it’s Monday, which means that she does have to go to class today. Somehow she forgot about that.

Evie pulls open her drawer and takes out her makeup. After she’s applied moisturizer and foundation and powder and concealer to her face, she starts to move to her legs, but stops herself, because honestly, there’s really no point anymore. She sighs, and leans against the counter with her hands gripping the edge of the sink. She squeezes against the porcelain and lets her knuckles turn almost as white. She shakes her head and grabs her eye shadow.

It takes a little longer than usual to put on her makeup (it’s totally not because her hands are shaking), but it looks as good as it ever has when she’s finished. She pulls her hair up into a messy bun; she doesn’t really want to deal with it, and this still looks okay.

Evie’s not totally sure what the protocol is for people finding out that it’s dangerous to leave her alone, but she knows she’s going to have to go to breakfast, and actually eat something. She feels her eyes fill with tears once again, and she’s not really even sure why, but she pinches her fingernails into her hand, takes a deep breath, and leaves the bathroom as quietly as she can.

She really just wants to stay in pajamas all day, but she has to look at least okay because she has class and people are gonna see her eating and everything’s just going to shit. She tiptoes into her closet and ends up pulling on a pair of teal tights and a black skater skirt, which she tucks a loose white tank top into. She slips her arms into a long black cardigan, wrapping it around herself as if it will make her invisible. She pulls out a pair of lace-up black suede heels and starts to put them on, but then decides against it; she’ll have to wait at least two hours anyway.

Evie really wants to just leave the room and go sit outside outside or somewhere no one will see her, but she knows that if Mal and/or Lonnie wake up while she’s gone, they’ll freak out because Evie doesn’t have a phone and therefore they’d have no way to reach her, and they still seem to be pretending that they actually care about her. She’s still standing in the doorway of her closet, and after another few seconds she turns her back to the room and moves into the corner. She lowers herself onto the floor, her right arm touching the wall and some of her clothes swinging on hangers above her head. It sort of makes her feel young again, which makes her sort of happy. Or maybe it just makes her feel smaller; she thinks they’re probably about the same by now.

She doesn’t fall back asleep, not really, but she’s wrenched from some sort of half-dazed state when Lonnie stumbles in almost two hours later. When she sees Evie, her face relaxes and she stops in her tracks. Evie can hear her take what she assumes is supposed to be a calming breath. Lonnie doesn’t even try to play it off like she and Mal didn’t think Evie had gone up to the roof or ran away or something, and Evie actually sort of appreciates that.

“Mal and I are gonna be ready to head down to breakfast in about half an hour,” Lonnie tells her. Evie nods, not really bothering to crawl out from under her clothes and away from the strange sense of comfort.

“I’m ready whenever you are.” Lonnie smiles at her, opens her mouth like there’s something that she can’t figure out how to word correctly, runs a hand through her dark hair, then turns on her heel and leaves Evie’s closet. Evie listens to the hushed whispers from the bedroom as Mal and Lonnie get ready for the day.

Evie hears the bathroom door close in the way that only Mal can do, and she sighs before pushing herself up off the floor. She ducks out from under the hangers and fabric and tugs on her shoes before she leaves the closet.

It’s much brighter in the bedroom than in Evie’s closet, and she squints her eyes closed, ducking her head to try to hide behind her hair. After a moment, she looks up again to see Lonnie’s eyes on her, an amused smirk on her face. Evie glares at her, then stalks over to the table to pick up her books and her bag. Mal comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later, and they leave for breakfast. Evie already feels like she needs to throw up.

Lonnie and Mal both attempt conversation on the way to the dining hall. Evie barely even hears their pseudo-cheerful voices and clenches her hands, digging her manicured fingernails into her palms.

Only Audrey is there when they get to their table. She smiles at Mal and Evie, then starts to say something to Lonnie, who glares at her in a way that isn’t even a little bit subtle. Evie watches Audrey’s eyebrows draw together, but she doesn’t say anything, and even though Evie’s still pretty sure Audrey hates her, she’s so glad for her silence.

Evie totally isn’t freaking out when she picks up a plate (except she definitely is), and her hand definitely doesn’t shake as scoops fruit onto her plate (only it totally does). She gets more fruit than she even thinks she should eat, but it would almost be okay if that’s all she had to eat for the day, or at least the morning. But Lonnie brings her a piece of toast, and Mal adds a container of vanilla yogurt. The yogurt is low-fat, at least, but Evie honestly feels like she’s about to start crying and she’s barely able to carry her plate back to the table without dropping it.

She sits by Mal, and across from Lonnie and Audrey, and she’s pretty sure that now Audrey knows what’s wrong with her, too. Evie’s still trembling, and Lonnie and Mal keep smiling at her like she’s four years old and eating some super scary foreign food. She really wishes they'd stop. She's not a fucking baby. (She wants to hug them for it. They’re being so nice.)

Evie eats all of the fruit and yogurt and half the piece of toast. No one mentions it, but Mal randomly announces that she loves her, and Lonnie squeezes her hand on the way out.

She has math first, and Lonnie’s the only person that she might be friends with that’s in this class, and honestly, Evie sort of wishes it was anyone else, because she’s just fucking lying when she tells herself that she won’t leave class at all.

Evie holds out 20 minutes before slipping out of her seat and weaving through the desks to the door. She catches her teacher’s eye and leaves the room as quietly as she can. Once she gets a few feet away from the classroom, she starts running, because yeah there’s only one person allowed out of the classroom at once, but Evie would be an idiot to underestimate Lonnie.

She stumbles into the bathroom, trying to stop more quickly than her heels will really allow. She turns on the sink, cupping her hands under the running water then bringing them up to her lips. After three handfuls of water, she turns off the faucet, pulling her hair up as she walks into the last stall. She fumbles with the lock on the door, her hands trying to move more quickly than they really can, but she gets the lock to turn without too much trouble and bends over the toilet, her fingers pushing into her stomach.

She knows that this shouldn’t work; she knows just how fucked up this means she is, but after a few seconds she’s able to bring up about half of what she ate. Evie feels so much better it’s pathetic, but then she hears the door open and starts to panic, quickly flushing the toilet and pretending to pull up her tights before exiting the stall. (Also wiping off her mouth and the toilet seat and taking down her hair.)

Lonnie’s standing in the middle of the room, not even really trying to look casual. Evie sort of wants to die, honestly.

“Hey, Evie. You know what’s fun?” Lonnie asks, and Evie knows that she isn’t going to like the answer to this. She walks over to the sinks and hopes that Lonnie doesn’t notice the way her hands shake. She’s trying to think of something to say, but Lonnie answers her own question before she can. “Not having people you care about die of malnutrition.” Evie has no fucking clue how to respond to that, so she doesn’t. She keeps her eyes on her hands in the sink and the too-cold water running and changes the subject.

“How’d you get out of class?” Evie’s sure her voice is either way too quiet or way too loud. Lonnie sighs.

“I said I forgot my homework.” Lonnie answers, pulling a blank sheet of notebook paper from inside her jacket. “And it’ll look like I got it.” Evie has to hand it to her, Lonnie’s almost as good at fake excuses and, well, lying as Evie is.

There’s almost a full minute of silence where both of them pretend that it’s normal for Evie to hold her paling hands motionless under the water. Then Evie takes a deep breath, and she swears she doesn’t mean to start crying, but she fumbles to turn off the faucet and pushes her fingers against her shirt in an attempt to dry them before pressing them under her eyes and Lonnie’s hand is on Evie’s arm in less than two seconds and she’s really not crying very hard, it’s just that she sort of can’t really breathe anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she manages to say, the wavering in her voice making it almost too difficult to understand. She can tell that Lonnie is about to reply, but she cuts her off with more muttered apologies and she really feels like collapsing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m just-” and she chokes on the tears in her throat and can’t help but dig her fingernails into her hand.

“Hey,” Lonnie whispers, calm and cool and soothing as she takes Evie’s hands and tries to look her in the eye. Evie almost stops crying. Or, she holds her breath for as long as she can and pretends that she’s okay, but when she opens her mouth again she starts sobbing, and Lonnie just pulls her in, wrapping her arms around Evie’s back. Evie folds her own arms between their chests and leans into Lonnie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles, again.

“You shouldn’t be.”

"I just want it to stop hurting," she whispers.

"I know. And I'm sorry."

Neither of them say anything for a little while, and Evie manages to stop crying. After Evie seems sort of alright, Lonnie starts talking, but doesn’t let go. “Evie, you’ve got to tell me, or Mal, or even Audrey or Jane or Carlos or _someone_ that you feel like shit and I, at least, will try my best to distract you or anything you need. If you need to leave class, I’ll go with you; we can skip for all I care. I just want you, no, I need you to be okay. And if you really do _need_ to throw up, I want you to tell me, and I will be right there with you, whether you like it or not.” Evie doesn’t really know what to say to that, and she definitely doesn’t know what to say to that that won’t end with her in even more tears, so she just nods into Lonnie’s neck and hopes she understands.

Evie pulls away about half a minute later, and moves to stand in front of the mirror again. Her makeup’s mostly okay, but her eyes are red and she just looks like a mess. She swipes her fingers under her eyes in an attempt to wipe away the little makeup that was messed up, then proceeds to stare at herself in the mirror for longer than she means to with Lonnie beside her.

After over a minute, Lonnie sighs. “You look beautiful. Are you ready to go back to class?” Lonnie sounds upset, and Evie feels bad about making her, but she looks away from her reflection and nods anyway.

Lonnie decides that Evie should go back before her, and stands a few feet from the door as Evie takes a deep breath, straightens her back, and tries to school her face into something serene. She pushes the classroom door open as gently as she can without it seeming strange. A few people glance up in the way they always do, and she feels strange as she slips back into her seat and picks up her pencil. Lonnie smiles at her when she walks in a bit later, paper that only Evie knows is blank triumphantly clutched in her hand.

They get let out early, and Evie can almost see Lonnie struggling to not walk with Evie to her next class, which is all the way across the building from Lonnie’s. But Evie smiles at her reassuringly, and Lonnie nods before turning to a tan boy with cool hair. Evie thinks his name is Aziz, but she’s not sure. This is the only class she has with him, anyway.

Evie walks down the opposite hall, hugging her books to her chest and trying to stay close enough behind the two girls in front of her that she doesn’t look like she’s alone, but not too close that they notice and get creeped out. They’re both in her next class, but she doubts that either of them care. Evie’s still not really sure about how people feel about her being here; she hasn’t done anything noteworthy like Mal with the coronation or Jay with tourney, and everyone loves Carlos already, because honestly, how could you not? But Evie’s not anything special. On the island she was a princess, but here so is everyone else, and she’s nowhere near as legit as them since her mother was banished from the throne and all.

She sees Carlos standing outside the classroom, fidgeting a bit, and realizes that he’s waiting for her. She sees him catch sight of her, and she smiles at him. He grins back, his hands stilling and coming to rest in his jacket pockets. Auradon is good for Carlos; Auradon is good for all of them, really, but Carlos looks so much better than he used to that sometimes Evie almost doesn’t recognize him.

Right now he’s wearing tight red and black plaid pants, an oversized white t-shirt, a new pair of black combat boots (that Ben bought him when he noticed the state of Carlos’s old shoes, Evie would like to add), and a black leather jacket. He looks so much more comfortable than he did a few months ago, and Evie’s not jealous, really she’s not, but he just looks so _content_. He’s not really wearing fur anymore, and Evie pretends that she’s only happy about that because she doesn’t like working with fur and not because Cruella is an abusive _asshole_. She hopes that Carlos’s mother doesn’t have as long lasting effect as hers does, but she tries not to hope too hard. He still flinches at sudden movements and loud noises, and all four of them pretend that that’s not most of the reason he quit tourney.

“Hey,” he grins when she gets a few feet away. She smiles back and pretends she wasn’t crying in the bathroom just a little while ago before leading the way into the classroom. They take their usual seats left of the center of the room, and Evie passes Carlos a pencil when he starts searching through his bag and pockets.

“Thanks. I think Jay might have mine,” he shrugs. Evie almost laughs, because the only time Jay steals anything anymore is when it will inconvenience one of them, and she doesn’t even really care.

“Sure.” Then, after a few seconds, “How’s Ben?” He looks up too quickly at that, trying to mask some sort of almost panic.

“What do you mean? How would I know?” Evie just raises an eyebrow at that, and Carlos sighs. “Yeah he’s- I think he’s good. He’s sorta bummed that Mal broke up with him, but he says he likes someone else, honestly, so it’s mostly cool.” Carlos’s cheeks are tinged pink and Evie can’t help but grin.

“Do you know who he likes?” she asks, even though, duh, she knows the answer to that.

“I- I think he might like me, but I don’t really know why he would so…” Carlos trails off, running his fingers through his already ruffled hair. Evie rolls her eyes.

“Because you’re great. Obviously.” He sort of smiles at that.

“I- does Mal- I mean, I think Mal knows. Does she know?” Evie knows this is what he’s really wanted to ask her all morning, knows this is why he was waiting outside for her.

“Yeah Mal knows. She’s sorta upset you didn’t tell her, honestly.” Evie smiles, though, to try to show him that she’s really not mad at him, that no one is, and he sort of seems to understand that. He’s starting to say something else as their teacher stands up at the front of the room, signalling the start of class. Evie smiles at him again before opening her notebook.

After class, they walk together to lunch, and they don’t say anything about their conversation earlier, and Evie pretends that her stomach isn't churning and her hands aren’t shaking, and pretends not to see the way Carlos’s face lights up and he hurries to straighten his jacket when he catches sight of Ben.

She sees Lonnie and Mal both standing by the door, and all of them ignore the fact that they were obviously waiting for her so they could see what she eats, and Evie really can’t tell if the way her stomach churns more is just additional anxiety because of proximity, annoyance at their insistence of her eating, or some sort of happiness because they sort of care.

Evie sits in her usual seat at lunch and eats half of a grilled vegetable sandwich and a glass of grape juice and presses her fingernails in her palms in an attempt to ignore the feeling of food in her stomach. Mal looks like she wants Evie to eat more, but then she and Lonnie have some sort of silent conversation and they both just smile at her. Lonnie mouths that she’s proud, and Evie can’t help but feel stupid, because what kind of person can barely even eat half a sandwich?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, is anyone actually reading this??? Also, the end of this chapter is really really weird. Like generally just really strange and awkward and I am sorry for that. I did not know what else to do. If anyone is reading this, sorry it's been a while since I updated.

Evie hasn’t even tried to sneak off to the bathroom during Math, History, or English, (the classes she has with Lonnie), which means she can’t throw up after breakfast on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday, or after lunch on Thursday or Friday. However, Evie managed to throw up a total of six times the first four days of the week, counting the first time on Monday. Besides Lonnie chasing after her, she was only caught two other times: once by Mal and once by Jane.

On Tuesday morning, Fairy Godmother let them out for a break less than two minutes after Evie had slipped off to the bathroom and Mal came in. She just waited for Evie to finish and clean herself up, then hugged her for more than three minutes. Mal didn’t say anything about it, but did watch Evie extra carefully the rest of the day. Evie didn’t throw up after either lunch or dinner, and later she told Mal that she only did that because of how much water she drank.

On Wednesday, Evie had chemistry after lunch and left the room after only ten minutes. Jane walked into the bathroom just a few minutes after Evie, and it took Evie more than three minutes to convince her that it was just stress and that she wasn’t sick and to please not tell anyone. She didn’t get caught on Tuesday after lunch, or on Wednesday or Thursday after dinner, and Evie can’t help but feel bad about it.

That’s really the main thing she hates about this whole ‘people knowing’ thing: she can’t do anything that she needs to do without feeling like she’s letting everyone down. And that sucks, like it really does, but it’s not like she can tell them; they’d all hate her if they knew that she wasn’t even trying to stop.

Okay, so maybe that’s sort of a lie, because Evie is trying, it’s just that it’s so fucking hard. Like, of course she doesn’t want to have to deal with this anymore, but she also doesn’t want to gain weight or get any less pretty.

Now it’s 11:50 on Friday and Evie’s chem class has just been dismissed to go to lunch. And Evie fucking hates her chemistry teacher, but goddamn she would so much rather stay for another hour of class than go to lunch right now. She knows that wouldn’t go over well, though, so she reluctantly packs up her stuff and follows Doug, Jane, Audrey, and Chad out of the room. Audrey and Chad split off first, saying they’ll be at lunch soon. And yeah, they’re probably going to go make out, and yeah, even though Evie never really liked Chad it still usually hurts a little, but Evie’s honestly just really tired and it’s just been a really long week and she cannot for the life of her bring herself to care.

“I’m gonna put my things down in my room,” she tells Doug and Jane as they approach the double doors to the dining hall.

“Okay! See you in a few minutes!” Evie hates that Doug’s cheerfulness bothers her, but it’s been a shitty day already, and Evie’s gonna have to eat soon and Lonnie’s in her English class after lunch and it’s just not something she can reciprocate right now. She heads towards her room, dropping the facade of wanting to be alive and scuffing her feet against the floor as she goes. (And if she only does it to indulge herself in feeling bad, then no one needs to know.)

She has to stop at the door to dig her key out of the pocket of her cool gray jacket before she can push into her room. She dumps her bag and books on her bed before sinking into the mattress herself. After a few minutes she gets up, running her fingers over the black buttons of her jacket.

Evie bends down and unlaces her dark brown booties and slips them off, relishing the feeling of her feet being flat on the ground. She sighs, resting her hands on top of her head as she shuffles over to the mirror. She studies her reflection with her hands still clasped over her head, then brings down her arms and straightens her jacket. She unbuttons the thick white cardigan she’s wearing under her jacket, fully exposing the tight black skirt and red tank top she’s wearing. She then decides that, no, it was better the other way, or at least she was more comfortable the other way, and her fingers dance across the dark brown buttons until the sweater covers her entire torso again.

She stands in front of the mirror for at least another minute, fiddling with the hem of her skirt and of her sweater and of her jacket before she realizes that she probably needs to get down to lunch. She sighs again, pulls her black socks back up over her knees, and slips her feet back into her shoes. She ties them up again, and double checks that she has her key before leaving the room. She readjusts her royal blue scarf as she walks down the hall to lunch as quickly as she can will herself to.

Evie was in her room for less than ten minutes, as it turns out, and most of the people at their table are just now sitting down with their food. Lonnie and Mal both look like they’re contemplating getting up to go with her, but Evie pretends she doesn’t notice and walks towards the lines of people, looking to see what she has to choose from. It’s burgers and fries and other stuff that Evie just really does not want to eat, but she eventually sits down at her unassigned assigned place at the table with a bowl of tomato soup and four packages of crackers.

Evie crumbles up her crackers and drops them into her soup and thinks that she’s never felt less like eating probably ever, but spoons soup into her mouth anyway. After about three minutes Evie feels someone tap her foot with theirs, and she looks up to see Lonnie looking at her, asking if she’s okay with her eyes. Evie shrugs, then smiles, because honestly Lonnie really shouldn’t be spending so much time worrying about her; it’s sort of completely not worth it.

Soup really doesn’t take long to eat, and since Evie doesn’t even really finish hers, she’s done with lunch before almost anyone else, except for Jay, who doesn’t even really count since he got up to get another burger. When everyone is basically done, they get up as a mass and move to put away their dirty dishes.

Mal and Evie walk back to their dorm together, and even though they don’t really say anything (and even though Evie will never admit it), being around Mal makes her feel a little bit better.

“You look cute,” Mal says as they step into their room. Even though it’s most likely a lie, Evie can’t help but smile, thankful that her back is to Mal.

“Not as cute as you,” Evie shoots back, turning around to wink at Mal, a brilliant grin on her face, because okay yeah, Evie’s fucking exhausted and it’s a shitty day, but Evie’s also in love with Mal and probably the flirtiest person like _ever_ , so she’s not going to pass up something as easy and cheesy as that.

Plus it’s completely true, because even though Mal’s like always the most beautiful person in any room anywhere to Evie, she does look cute today. She’s in tight black jeans, her black combat boots, a chunky sweater with thick black and white stripes, and a loose olive green utility jacket, and Evie always forgets how much she likes Mal in fall until it’s fall again, and Mal’s cheeks tinge permanently pink and she wears more tight pants and is constantly closer to Evie for warmth and her fingertips are ice cold when they brush against Evie and it’s so hard not to shiver, but it’s all so nice and it’s all the kind of thing she thinks poetry’s about. Plus Mal’s wearing a beanie that’s like three shades darker than her hair, and it’s sort of just the cutest thing ever.

Mal lets out a breathy laugh, and Evie hates the way that her face burns and the corners of her lips twitch up, because she’s in a bad mood, and Mal can make her happier just by _laughing_ , and it’s honestly sort of pathetic.

“Laugh all you want, Mal, but you’re adorable,” Evie shrugs. Mal’s pseudo glare burns into Evie’s head as she bends over her bed to pick up what she needs for English and Heroism. Mal and Evie leave the room together, splitting up when Mal has to turn to go to Chemistry. Evie walks more quickly the rest of the way to her class, because she’s alone in the halls and will maybe look less stupid if people think she is in a hurry.

They’re having a discussion about the book they’re reading today, like the do almost every Friday, so the tables in the room are set up in a rectangle. Evie is one of the first people there and takes a seat on the side opposite the door. When Lonnie comes in a few minutes later, she sits right next to her.

“You good?” she asks Evie as she takes her book and binder out of her bag. Evie opens her mouth, but doesn’t know what she was going to say, so she closes it again and just nods. Lonnie smiles at her, then their teacher walks in tells them they have a quiz on the reading. At least seven people groan, and Evie sorta wants to tell them to shut up, but refrains. Four people get sent to the library to read. They hadn’t had the rule for long, but so many people were not reading that Ms. Cain started sending students out of the room when they hadn’t read because they really couldn’t participate in the class. Evie thought that it was a dumb rule to need, because the book was good and it just doesn’t make sense not to read.

The quiz was easy, and after about twenty minutes they start the discussion. Evie doesn’t talk too much, but she’s pretty sure she usually says at least somewhat intelligent things and she usually gets good grades on these, and it’s easy for her, or at least as easy as telling a room full of people what she thinks ever is.

She really wishes she hadn’t eaten though, and can’t help but attempt to bring up the soup in her mouth, even though she knows that will literally do nothing but gross her out. She’s pretty sure she looks like she’s going to cry, and after a few minutes Lonnie leans over and kisses her shoulder.

Less than fifteen minutes into the discussion, someone brings up the recent suicide of one of the minor characters. And yeah, Evie sort of really doesn’t want to talk about suicide today, but it’s pretty okay until someone asks how people thought she killed herself, which is a valid question, really, cause they don’t know for sure and there’s some sort of white foam in her mouth, so it’s pretty normal to wonder.

“Probably a chemical or something,” Ms. Cain says.

“Most likely some cleaning supplies,” Evie announces without looking up from the paper she’s been doodling on. “It’s what she had access to, and earlier in the chapter it talked about how she would be shown where it was and stuff, so…” Evie trails off the same way she usually does, but it’s fine because a kid who Evie’s pretty sure is named Quentin and is friends with Ace speaks up.

“Yeah like maybe bleach?” And most everyone nods, except for this kid who starts laughing.

“What’s funny?” Lonnie asks, voicing the thoughts of at least the majority of the class.

“No just cause like, if you drink bleach it just burns your throat and then you die,” he says, still sort of laughing. And Evie’s not really sure when her leg started bouncing so furiously, but it is now, and she’s pretty sure Lonnie’s noticed, but she also sort of doesn’t care, like _at all_ , because she really just wants to leave the room, but she also really doesn’t want to draw attention to herself right now.

“I think what you think is funny is different from what everyone else on earth thinks is funny,” Ms. Cain says in her voice that means she’s joking but you should also be quiet if she’s talking to you because you just did or said something aggravating or offensive. They move on with the conversation. Evie’s leg keeps shaking.

After another few minutes, Evie feels Lonnie’s hand on her thigh. She’s not really pushing her leg down, but Evie knows that she’s trying to remind her to calm down and everything. It’s sort of annoying, but it’s also sort of sweet, and Evie tries to still her fidgeting. Lonnie keeps her hand there, and whenever Evie starts to jiggle her leg again, Lonnie squeezes slightly. And even though Evie has no idea why Lonnie would leave her hand there when she knows that Evie is not straight and could possibly start liking Lonnie at any time, and even though Evie hates to admit it, it sort of helps her calm down.

Lonnie walks Evie to her next class with Evie’s hand clasped tightly in her own, and Evie sort of wants to thank her forever, because Evie sort of wants to die right now, and being around people that she likes helps, and people being nice to her helps, and _Lonnie_ helps.

Evie sits at the same table right in the middle of the classroom in the seat on the right side and waits for Ben and Carlos to show up. Ben walks in first and slips into the seat on the left, leaving the middle open for Carlos. Evie looks up when Carlos comes in, and she can’t help but notice how nervous he looks. He pulls out the chair, and drops into it, wiping his palms on his white skinny jeans. Evie thinks he’s one of the only guys she knows that can get away with wearing pants like that, and she sort of loves that he wears that.

He’s wearing a bright red hoodie zipped up under his black leather jacket, and Evie smiles a little when she realizes he’s wearing the combat boots Ben bought him again. He starts furiously tapping his fingers against the tabletop, and Evie raises an eyebrow at him when he finally looks at her.

“Can we talk after class?” he whispers. Evie can’t help the tightening in her stomach as she tries to think of what she possibly could have done that would make Carlos want to talk to her. “It’s nothing bad, I just wanna talk to you about something,” he adds. Evie’s not sure if it’s because he realizes what she’s doing or because he thinks he might have said something wrong.

“Yeah of course.” Evie takes notes as well as she always does, but can’t help but worry about Carlos throughout the class. She watches him from the corner of the eye for a lot of the period, and he does the same to Ben.

“Have a good weekend,” Mr. Benson tells them as a dismissal. Evie follows Ben and Carlos out of the room and watches as they say goodbye before scampering to catch up with Carlos.

“Okay. What do you want to talk about?” Evie asks as nonchalantly as she can manage. Carlos bites his lips, his finger tapping a steady rhythm against the side of his thigh. Before he can answer, though, Lonnie comes up beside them.

“Hey!” she grins. Evie smiles back, but Carlos sort of just grimaces. It’s probably supposed to be a smile, though.

“Are you okay?” Lonnie asks softly in a way that somehow manages to not be even a bit patronizing. Carlos nods furiously.

“Yep! No, I’m totally great. I should probably go, though. I hope you’re as great as I am!” Evie can see Carlos wince at himself as he starts jog away.

“Carlos!” He stops, and Evie walks up beside him, Lonnie a few steps behind her. “First of all, you can say what you wanted with Lonnie here; she’s safe, and she’s great, and she won’t tell. Secondly, we can still go talk without her if you want. She’s not gonna mind.” Carlos nods.

“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Umm, could we maybe like go outside to talk or something? Like Lonnie too maybe? It’s cool if you don’t want to, I just sort of need some advice?” Evie has rarely seen Carlos this nervous, and it’s honestly starting to worry her, so she nods as quickly as she can and leads them to the yard, walking towards a few trees. She lowers herself onto the ground, folding her legs next to her, because she is in a mini skirt, thank you very much. Carlos and Lonnie follow suit, Carlos sitting with his legs crossed and his back resting against a tree trunk, and Lonnie sits down on Evie’s other side, facing Carlos.

“So what’s up?” Evie asks him. He’s quiet for a good minute before he finally answers.

“Okay, so like it’s not a big deal. Just like… Okay so we’ve been talking and stuff… How do you give a blowjob?” Evie stares at him, knowing she must look both shocked and amused. She can hear Lonnie start to laugh beside her, and fuck, this is really not what she was expecting and she is so so glad.

“What?” she finally exclaimed. Carlos blushes and starts to apologize, and Evie attempts to assure him that she just thought something was wrong. “No, oh my god I’m sorry. I just thought that you were upset or something, and that was seriously out of nowhere, you’re totally fine.” She pauses. “Why do you need to know?” Carlos hesitates, looking between Evie and Lonnie.

“I… Promise you won’t tell?” They both nod immediately. “Okay, so Ben and I have been talking, you know. And a few weeks ago, he gave me his old phone and was like ‘okay if you can fix this, you can have it.’ And it really wasn’t all that hard to fix. I’m not sure it works how it should, but it does work. So we’ve been texting, too. And Mal broke up with him like a week ago, you know, and when we talked after that I _sort of_ felt like he maybe liked me, but I thought that I was just reading it wrong and he was just being nice, because why would he like me? And also because he literally just dated one of my best friends.

“But then we were talking on like Monday and he asked how often I got myself off. And I was like, ‘okay what the fuck?’ because for one thing he’s a prince, and also who asks someone that? But answered anyway and then he was like, ‘have you ever given or received a blowjob?’ I said no, because duh, and he was like, ‘yeah me neither.’” (Evie pretends that her heart doesn’t soar knowing that Ben and Mal only ever kissed.) “And then at this point I thought he was probably flirting or something, because, again, who asks something like that? So I texted back and I was like, ‘I wouldn’t be opposed to it, though.’

“And he didn’t really say anything about it after that and we just talked about school and stuff…” Carlos trails off nervously, and Evie knows that whatever he’s going to say next is actually what this is about, and even though the whole thing is a bit obscene, she thinks it’s kind of cute. She glances at Lonnie, who looks back, obviously trying not to smile, but also looking just slightly grossed out. Evie nods at him to continue.

“Okay. Then we were texting again on Wednesday, and we were just talking about normal stuff, you know, but then like out of nowhere he just goes, and these are his words, not mine, I swear. He just goes, ‘I’ve been thinking about my cock in your mouth.’” Evie really can’t help it when a bubble of laughter bursts from her throat at this. Carlos’s face turns even darker.

“Sorry. I just… wasn’t expecting that to be something Ben would say. He’s like literally a baby, you know?” Carlos and Lonnie both nod.

“Right yeah, so I was also like, ‘what the actual fuck???’ But I attempted to be sort of flirty I guess? And basically we’re going to dinner tonight.” Evie almost squeals. “It’s not a date or anything, but it was sort of totally implied that stuff would happen,” Carlos quickly adds. Evie nods like she actually believes that it isn’t going to be the most date-like experience either of them have ever had.

“I just sort of needed advice on like, what to do,” Carlos mumbles. Evie isn’t sure if she’s ever seen him this embarrassed, and that’s saying something.

“Okay, first of all, you have literally nothing to worry about since he obviously not only wants you to do this, but also has nothing to compare you to. And it’s honestly really easy,” Evie shrugs, because she really doesn’t want to talk about any of the blowjobs she’s given, and she really doesn’t know what to tell him. Lonnie nods.

“Are you planning to swallow or what?” Evie really should have known that Lonnie would give actual real advice about this.

“Yeah I, yeah I guess?” Carlos is looking more anxious by the second.

“Okay. Then when Ben gets close, you’re going to need to move your tongue. It’ll feel really weird and it’ll still taste salty, but if you don’t it’ll hit the back of your throat and there’s a really good chance it might trigger your gag reflex and you’d puke. And we do not want that.” Lonnie is really the most helpful person at this school probably, because Evie’s pretty sure that she never would have thought to tell him that, even though it really is very helpful.

“I- Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Thanks,” he tells her, still looking incredibly nervous. “Okay but like, that’s a long time to have your mouth open, you know? What… I mean like, what if I get tired?” He’s half joking at this point, and Evie knows that he’s still really nervous, but maybe at least realizes he doesn’t need to be.

“You improvise,” Evie shrugs, grinning. Lonnie and him both laugh at that, even though it’s true.

“Carlos,” Evie started after a minute, making sure she had his attention. “You’re going to be great. I promise.”

The three of them get up. Carlos somehow managed to not get his white pants even a little bit dirty, and he holds his hands out for Evie to pull herself up with. He tugs on her fingers, and she stumbles forward, glaring at him. She then reaches for Lonnie’s hand to help her up. Lonnie doesn’t take it immediately, and Evie thinks that was probably a really stupid thing to do and that Lonnie probably thinks she was coming onto her. Before she can fully pull her hand back, though, Lonnie’s extending her hand to grab Evie’s and looking at Evie like she’s worried about her. When she gets up, she brushes the dirt off her and turquoise and pink floral jeans and puts a smile back on her face.

“Will you help me find something to wear?” Carlos asks as they walk back towards the castle.

“Umm, duh?” Evie grins at him. “Do you wanna come?” she asks Lonnie.

“Yeah sure, if that’s okay?” Lonnie leans out a bit to see Carlos’s face.

“No yeah of course,” he nods.

Jay’s there when they get to Carlos’s room, sitting on the couch with a controller in his hand. “Hey. What’re you guys doing here?” He doesn’t take his eyes off the screen.

“Carlos is going out and we’re helping with an outfit,” Evie answers, making her way across the messy room to Carlos’s closet.

“With Ben?” Jay asks. Carlos stops dead in his tracks.

“What?” Evie can see him start to panic. Jay looks up, now, and seems to see that he made a mistake.

“Oh right, sorry. Have fun,” he tells Carlos before turning back to his video game. It takes Carlos another few seconds to start moving again, and he’s breathing a little bit faster and shaking a little bit more when he joins Lonnie and Evie in his closet.

It doesn’t take Evie long at all to pull out, with a little help from Lonnie, a pair of red jeans, a white button down shirt, and a black belt. She hands them to Carlos.

“And your boots and jacket. When are you leaving?” Carlos checks his watch.

“Umm, 5:30. Forty-five minutes.”

“Go ahead and put that on then. Lonnie and I will turn around.” They do, and a minute later Carlos gives them the okay. They turn back around, and Evie steps closer to him, tucking in his shirt and rolling up the cuffs a little. She kneels down and adjusts the ends of his pants in his shoes.

“That looks good. You look good,” she assures him, moving in for a hug. “Have fun,” she whispers.

“Good luck,” Lonnie adds as she and Evie leave. They walk back to the girls’ dorms together. Evie can’t help but slow down when they pass a mirror, and she pulls down the hem of her skirt, and then tugs at the ends of her sweater, sucking in her gut.

“Hey, stop it,” Lonnie coaxes as she takes Evie’s hand. “You look beautiful. For real.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so first of all, it's been like two months probably at least. So sorry. Second of all, PSA: I proofread like literally nothing. Ever. So sorry again.

Somehow Evie always manages to forget how much she hates drinking. It’s probably because she really does like being drunk and usually has a good time, but the actual alcohol and the consuming of it she hates. She hates the taste and smell and she hates drinking so many calories, but here she is, in Ben’s fucking man cave or whatever, clear plastic cup of beer in hand. Beer is the worst. She can do champagne and vodka and fruity drinks usually, but never beer.

Ben had invited about twenty people to come over to hang out and then stay the night. (Alcohol had been heavily implied.) Evie wasn’t sure if him literally being king made that more or less difficult. Evie had helped him with a guest list, even though she didn’t know that many people at Auradon Prep. Ben had invited some people that Evie wasn’t friends with but apparently some of the others were, Doug’s (basically only other) friend, and Ace and his two best friends.

Evie’s been standing with Jane and this girl named Ally (who’s apparently Ace’s twin sister) for the last fifteen minutes, watching the rest of the room while she half listened to the two of them. Out of the corner of her eye she sees Mal stand up on a chair.  
  
“Okay!” she shouts. “We’re gonna play Never Have I Ever. Everyone circle up.” She then hops off the chair and proceeds to sit cross-legged in front of it. The rest of the people slowly sit down around her forming what could, from afar, pass as a crude circle. Ben and Carlos come in about half a minute later, arms full of plastic cups. Jay follows them with two bottles. Carlos and Ben distribute the cups. Evie ends up with a light purple one.

Jay pours vodka into everyone’s cup, doing his best to pour the same amount. Mal goes first.

“Never have I ever been black out drunk.” Evie and nine other people drink, and a few seem surprised that Mal’s never been drunk enough to forget, but Evie’s not. Mal, for all her apparent recklessness, will never hate anything more than she hates feeling helpless and not knowing what has happened.

A girl with wavy dark red hair is next. Evie’s never heard her name, but she thinks it’s Ariana or Aria or Ariel or something, and she knows she’s on the swim team. (Evie also knows that she’s incredibly pretty and really thin, mostly long limbs and thin fingers and her gorgeous hair and Evie will be the first to admit that she’s insanely jealous.)

“Never have I ever smoked anything.” Thirteen people drink, including Evie and everyone who lived on the Isle.

Then a girl with short blonde hair who Evie knows has a cool name but can’t remember what it is. “Never have I ever kissed someone in this room.” Evie has kissed Carlos and Jay and Doug and Chad and Jane once, for a dare. Only four people don’t drink.

Next is Aziz, who has cool dark hair and is in Evie’s math class. She’s pretty sure Lonnie’s friends with him. “Never have I ever gotten an A on a big test,” he shrugs. Evie drinks. She’s pretty sure twelve other people do, but Mal had accidentally almost knocked over her cup and Evie had gotten distracted watching her laugh.

This girl with pink and black hair and tan skin is next. “Never have I ever gone skinny dipping.” Her name is Jordan, Evie remembers. She’s in her magical plants class. Thirteen people drink. Evie doesn’t.

“Never have I ever kissed someone in the rain,” says one of Ace’s friends. He has bright red hair and an undercut and Evie’s pretty sure Ace said his name was Quentin. Eight people drink.

Ace is next. “Never have I ever had tequila.” Thirteen people besides Evie drink.

Ace’s other friend with the curly orange hair says, “Never have I ever cried in class.” Evie drinks. Eight other people do, too. Her name is Maddie, Ace’s friend. Evie’s talked to her like three times.

Next is this kid with shaggy light brown hair who’s wearing a light green short sleeve button down with a dark green pocket, khaki joggers, a cool pair of grey and white high tops, and a dark green beanie. Evie has zero clue who he is.

“Never have I ever painted my nails.” He’s good at this game, though. Only Chad, Doug, and the kid next to him, who’s maybe named Slater, don’t drink.

“Never have I ever been on a school sports team,” says maybe Slater.

“Does cheerleading count?” asks Audrey.

“Uh,” he looks around the circle and a few people nod. “Yeah.” Fourteen people drink and it’s Doug’s turn.

“Never have I ever failed a test. Like actually failed.” Seven people.

“Never have I ever skipped class,” Lonnie says. Twelve people drink, including all four of the Isle kids, and Evie’s feeling decidedly less clear headed.

“Never have I ever owned a smart phone,” she says, smiling at Mal and Jay and Carlos, who’re sitting together across from her. Everyone else drinks.

Jane’s on Evie’s other side, and Evie drinks when she says, “Never have I ever broken curfew.” So do twelve more people.

Then Ace’s sister goes. “Never have I ever not slept for more than forty-eight hours.” Seven people drink, including Evie.

“Never have I ever lived anywhere other than Auradon,” Audrey says. Evie and nine others drink.

“Never have I ever kissed a guy.” Evie’s definitely not sober by now, but still definitely not drunk, and she can’t help but roll her eyes at Chad. Only maybe Slater and the kid with the green beanie don’t drink.

“Never have I ever eaten a whole pizza by myself,” Ben says. Seven people drink.

“Never have I ever had more than one pet ever.” Carlos is honestly the most adorable person ever. Evie is one hundred percent sure that’s true. Except for maybe Mal. Seventeen people drink.

“Never have I ever watched porn.” Three people don’t drink and lots of people, including Evie, blush. Jay grins, knowing that he’s asked the most uncomfortable question yet, and gets up to refill everyone’s cups. Then it’s Mal’s turn again.

“Never have I ever driven a car.” Four people, including Evie, don’t drink.

“Never have I ever swallowed my gum,” says Ariana/Aria/Ariel. Evie drinks. Only Doug and Audrey don’t.

The girl with the cool name Evie still can’t remember is next. “Never have I ever had sex.” And Evie sort of forgets how to breathe, and she’s not drunk (okay, maybe she’s a little drunk), but she’s not drunk enough to not think. And Evie has slept with more people than than at least most everyone else in the room, but she has never wanted to. And she knows it wasn’t rape, and it doesn’t even really matter if it was, because that happens all the time on the Isle. She never said no, and her mother said yes for her so many times. And she she didn’t say no, and the other option was getting her deepest secrets spread all over the island, anyway. And she has never said no, but she has never said yes either.

She gets up, stumbling and muttering about the bathroom. She has never been to Ben’s house, but she knows there’s at least a small bathroom down here. She wants to not be able to hear the people she’s with, though, and so she hurries up the stairs, almost tripping three times and swaying a bit when she gets to the top.

Ben’s parents are in their bedroom which is at least a floor and a hallway from where Evie is, but she still winces and almost starts to cry when the door slams slightly. She takes a deep breath and slips off her bright red heels, then leans against the counter.

She’s not sure what happened, because she was fine, and she can usually talk about sex, or at least avoid the topic of her virginity and she’s usually not so fucking stupid. She’s not even that drunk. It’s just that everything was going really great, actually, and she wasn’t expecting that and she forgot how fucking dumb she is sometimes.

She grips the countertop tightly, and she’s crying by now, looking at her yellow-white fingers through tears. She squeezes harder against the marble and her fingers start to hurt. She gasps at a knock on the bathroom door and she jumps back from the counter, stretching her fingers and watching the color return.

“Evie?” She bites her bottom lip, running her fingers through her hair as she tries to control the tears running down her cheeks.

“Evie, are you okay?” She bites her lip harder. Her teeth will leave an indention for a few minutes, but it doesn’t really matter. She takes a deep breath and smiles at herself in the mirror.

“Yeah, of course! I’m fine. What’s up?” She turns on the faucet, running her fingers under the cool water before pulling a wad of toilet paper from the roll and wiping at her cheeks.

“Can you open the door?” Evie sighs, her hands stilling on her face. She sets the now wet tissue on the counter but leaves the faucet running. She presses her cool fingertips to her forehead, takes a deep breath, and unlocks the door.

Mal opens it a second later, looking worried. She glances at Evie and her eyes turn accusing.

“You’ve been crying.” She crosses her arms, but steps into the bathroom and nudges the door closed behind her.

“I’m drunk, Mal. It’s fine.” Mal’s eyebrows draw together and the corners of her lips turn down. Evie continues to fix her makeup, trying to make it less obvious that she’s using the mirror to watch Mal.

“You’re not that drunk. You’ve had less than me,” Mal tells her. She makes eye contact with Mal in the mirror.

“You have a higher tolerance,” Evie counters, but she knows that this is going nowhere.   
  
“Right, and I didn’t skip dinner,” Mal adds, and Evie knows any annoyance in her voice is for this argument and not Evie herself, but that doesn’t mean Evie’s breath doesn’t catch in her throat.

“I-” It’s not even a word, the way she says it, just a syllable of surprise or some final effort at a lie. “I’m sorry.” She drops her eyes to her hands, still under the cool water, and holds her breath.

“Don’t apologize.” She feels Mal against her back, and she reaches around Evie to turn off the water. Mal offers her a towel and Evie takes it, still not meeting Mal’s eyes.

“Thanks,” she whispers, handing the towel back to Mal. She sees Mal hang the towel back up from the corner of her eye. She holds her hands in front of her stomach, fiddling with her fingers. Mal wraps her arms around Evie, clasping her hands over Evie’s. Mal sighs, and Evie’s heart jumps at the proximity of Mal’s mouth to her ear.

“What’s wrong?” Evie doesn’t respond. Mal rests her chin on Evie’s shouldering and continues talking. “Is this about the last ques-”

“Yeah,” Evie whispers. “I’m being dumb,” she adds, slightly louder, making a feeble attempt to shrug Mal off of her. She feels Mal’s arms wrap tighter around her, and she can’t tell if she’s more worried about the fact that Mal is touching her stomach or stupidly happy about the fact that Mal is touching her.

“You’re not being dumb. I know it’s hard and that question is hard and all, and you are not being dumb. Period. You’re really great and I’m sorry all of that happened.” Mal’s voice holds a finality in it, but that doesn’t stop Evie from arguing.

“It’s fine. It’s my fault anyway. If I’d wanted any of them to stop I should’ve said so,” Evie mutters.

“No. Evie- god, no. That’s not what consent is. You’re…” Mal trails off. Mal sits on the closed toilet and tugs at Evie’s sleeve so that she’ll turn around and Mal can look at her.

“You’re wonderful. And I know it’s really not going to help anything, but I am so so so sorry that that all happened, and that you have to deal with having slept with people but never having… Wait. Was there anyone that you actually wanted to? Or were all of them really shitty guys?”

And, god, now Mal’s looking at her like anything Evie says is going to be right, and she’s not really sure what she’s thinking, but she drops her eyes to the floor and starts talking anyway. “I’m… No, I don’t like, I don’t even like guys.” It takes Evie about two seconds to realize what she said, and then she balls her hands up into fists, bright red fingernails digging into her palms because, fuck, she shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have _done_ that, and she _wouldn’t_ have done that sober and now Mal is going to _hate_ her.

She didn’t even mean to, really. She wasn’t thinking and now it feels like she’s electrocuted herself or waterlogged her veins or something. It feels like her brain is seven feet behind the rest of her.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that I’m so sorry, I’m-” She stops, her voice too shaky to continue speaking. She holds her breath and clenches her eyes shut and waits for Mal to yell at her or hit her or leave or _something_.

“Evie,” Mal breathes out, and she feels her arms wrap around her again. Evie tenses, and Mal falters for a moment, then holds Evie against her. “Stop freaking out.” Evie opens her eyes incredulously and, great, she’s crying again. Mal looks completely bewildered.

“Evie, what did you think I was going to say?” Mal asks, sounding perplexed that Evie would think she’d be mad. Evie closes her eyes again, taking a deep breath, but instead of saying something, she just starts crying even harder.

“Hey.” Mal pulls back, holding Evie at arms length and trying to look her in the eyes. She runs her thumbs across Evie’s cheeks. “Open your eyes.” Evie does, still crying a little and still pretty sure Mal’s going to start yelling any minute. She feels Mal take each of Evie’s hands in one of Mal’s own, uncurling Evie’s finger and intertwining them with her own.

“Okay firstly, I know you wouldn’t have told me that if you were sober right now, but I’m still glad you did. I don’t like feeling like you don’t trust me. Secondly, I literally do not care at all, E. I’m not sure why you thought I would. I don’t care about Carlos, I don’t care about Ben, I don’t care about you. Wait, that sounded wrong. You know what I mean. You need to stop holding yourself to different standards than everyone else. Third, I love you. You’re perfect. Do you want to go back downstairs?” Evie nods.

“Okay.” Mal lets go of Evie’s hands, and Evie turns back to the mirror, picking up the toilet paper that’s still on the counter. Evie wipes the tears and tracks of makeup off her cheeks, then uses her fingertips to blend the mascara and eyeliner residue into her wet eyeshadow. She then reaches into the pocket of her black denim jacket and pulls out liquid eyeliner and a tube of mascara. Mal laughs.

She finishes redoing her makeup and slips the tubes back into her pocket, then stands back a little, looking at herself in the mirror. Her skirt is maybe too short. She’s got on black tights though, so it’s probably fine. She’d thought it was fine earlier. It’s probably fine. She smooths it down and tries to pull it a bit lower anyway, though.

“Okay! Let’s go!” Mal says, jumping up from the toilet seat. Evie smiles at her.

“One sec.” She tries to get her feet back in her shoes without using her hands, and this is what makes her remember that she’s not exactly sober. She sighs, taking Mal’s place on the lid of the toilet and putting her heels back on. “Okay.”

Mal opens the door, and when Evie follows her out of the bathroom, she links their arms together. The two of them walk down the hall towards the stairs.

“By the way,” Mal says, not breaking their pace. “I like girls, too. Guys and girls.” Evie stops breathing for probably the ninth time that night, and she stumbles a bit, still attached to Mal by the arm.

“Oh," she squeaks, tripping to keep up with Mal even with their arms linked. Mal winks at her, and for a split second Evie thinks that she knows. But she can’t. She would hate her. Evie digs the nails of her right hand into her palm, and takes a deep breath. “Oh.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly thanks so much to everyone who comments ever because it's really really sweet and I really appreciate it. Also for real, I proofread zero percent, so there's like always really obvious spelling or grammar errors or something. Sorry about that.

By the time Evie and Mal get back downstairs, the game has mostly broken up. Jay and about six others still seem to be playing, but the majority of people have split up. The clock on Ben’s wall says it’s 11:05. Mal looks back at her, squeezes her hand, then goes to rejoin the game. The place by Evie’s side is immediately replaced by Lonnie.

“Are you okay?” she asks, obviously trying not to sound as concerned as she is. Evie nods.

“Uh yeah, I just… Yeah.” Evie runs drags her fingers through her hair and shrugs. Lonnie nods almost imperceptibly, clearly not believing her but letting it go nonetheless.

After a minute or two, Evie sits down, her back against the wall they were standing in front of. Lonnie joins her as she brings her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on top. They sit in silence for almost ten minutes, watching their friends talk and laugh around them, then Evie lifts her chin from her knees.

“I told Mal- No. Uh, I mean I, um, Mal knows I like- Oh god. Mal knows I’m gay,” she finally gets out, keeping her gaze straight forward and doing her best to not look at Lonnie. “I didn’t mean to tell her just, uh, I have a shit filter and I was, I am, sort of drunk and I was stupidly upset. I don’t know. But yeah.” She still refuses to turn her head or even move her eyes to see Lonnie. She knows it’s dumb and irrational, but she’s worried Lonnie will react not well to this. Also, she’s not sure Lonnie actually knew that she’s _gay_ gay, and she doesn’t think that should make a difference, but what if it does?

“Yeah? What’d she say?” Evie looks at Lonnie then, and sees that Lonnie’s looking at her, too, some expression unreadable expression on her face.

“She was really nice. And stuff. And she said she li…” Evie trails off. She wouldn’t be surprised if Lonnie already knew about Mal, but she isn’t going to risk outing someone, because that’s shitty and horrible and she will not be that person.

Lonnie scoots closer, nudging Evie to get her to lean in. Evie resists for just a few seconds, then relaxes a bit, resting her head on Lonnie’s shoulder. Lonnie smells like vodka, but also like something unmistakably Lonnie. It’s sort of comforting. They stay like that for a while, Evie closing her eyes and leaning even farther into Lonnie.

“Hey, Evie?” Evie doesn’t open her eyes.

“Hmm?”

“It’s fine if this isn’t something that you want to talk about, and I’m sorry if I’m crossing a line.” Evie lifts her head from Lonnie’s shoulder, turning her whole body to look at her. “Why do you hate yourself for your sexuality?” There’s no way Lonnie doesn’t hear Evie’s sharp intake of breath; they’re less than a foot apart. “Because you don’t hate anyone else for their’s or anything,” Lonnie adds. “I’m just wondering if this is like a totally separate thing or not.” Evie stares at her for about ten seconds before dropping her gaze to the floor.

“Uh…” She takes a shaky breath, attempting to gather her thoughts. “I don’t know. I just don’t like myself, like at all, because I sort of really completely suck, actually, and this doesn’t help. I’m not supposed to like girls. I’m supposed to marry a prince. Just like…” Evie doesn’t even realize her nails are digging into her opposite hand until Lonnie takes both Evie’s hands into her own.

“Sorry. Um. God, my mom would hate me,” she says, laughing humorlessly. “I mean, she already does hate me but like- Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know.” She doesn’t look up and she doesn’t meet Lonnie’s eyes.

“You’re good. I’m sorry your mom sucks. You’re great,” Lonnie tells her, squeezing her hands. She can’t think of anything to say to that, so she doesn’t respond.

Lonnie and Evie eventually get up and rejoin their friends, drinking and laughing and talking and making up dumb drinking games. At around three everyone decides it’s about time to go to bed. Ben has three guest rooms down here, plus his bedroom, the room they’re all in right now, and three bathrooms.

Ben and Carlos went to get blankets and pillows and blankets and pillows and blankets and pillows while everyone decided where they would sleep. Jane, Audrey, Doug, Aziz, Jordan, and the girl who Evie had finally remembered is named Anxelin ended up in the room everyone is currently in. It’s the biggest and has one huge couch, a smaller couch, and two armchairs. By pushing two footstools up against part of the big couch, they could fit three people on it.

Ace, his two friends, and his twin sister were in one of the guest rooms. This one had just a king sized bed.

Jay, Chad, maybe Slater, and the kid with the green beanie and in the guest room with two twin beds and two armchairs. Maybe Slater said he’d sleep on the floor. Evie thinks he’d probably sleep anywhere.

Ben and Carlos are in Ben’s room. Evie thinks most people are probably too drunk to notice anything suspicious about that.

This all leaves Evie, Mal, Lonnie, and Ariana/Aria/Ariel in the last guest bedroom, which has a queen sized bed and a couch, and just so happens to be the guest room with a bathroom attached. Evie is amazed at the sheer amount of furniture in Ben’s castle.

They’re all somewhere on the spectrum of definitely not sober, and getting ready for bed is hard. Not to mention the fact that a lot of times when Evie’s drunk, she forgets how much she actually despises herself, which is obviously not a bad thing at the time, but often leads to her feeling awkward and embarrassed in the morning.

Evie had been wearing a loose black long sleeved top tucked into a white lace skirt with sheer black tights and her red heels. Under it, she wore a lilac lace deep v bralette and matching underwear. If sober, Evie would have one hundred percent for sure definitely changed completely into the pajamas she brought (a pair of black leggings, a black sports bra, and a loose white t shirt), instead of just putting on the white shirt over her bra and underwear, leaving her (not at all totally healed) legs exposed.

Plus she’s going to be sleeping in a bed with Mal and Lonnie, and with someone else she literally has known for a few hours in the room.

Evie does, at least, remember to remove her makeup: yet another thing she’ll likely hate herself for in the morning.

She was the first one in the room, and is therefore the first one ready to go the fuck to sleep. (She’s also extremely exhausted.) She throws her hair up into a bun and lays down on top of the dark gray comforter on the bed. Looking around the room, she takes in how sleek everything is and how well the colors (mostly grays and whites and blacks) flow. Ben is so fucking rich.

She can hear Mal and Lonnie and Ariana/Aria/Ariel in the bathroom, and a few second later she moves the sheets and blankets on top of her, curling into a ball.

Mal comes out of the bathroom first, and Evie is sort of drunk, but she is not drunk enough to not hate herself for staring at her. She’s wearing her very short black shorts, a moderately tight light grey t shirt with some black logo on it, and definitely not a bra. Evie closes her eyes and turns her head the other way.

Mal climbs into the bed on Evie’s right. Evie tries to keep as much distance between them as possible without making it obvious that that’s what she’s doing. She watches Lonnie and Ariana/Aria/Ariel walk in, and even moderately drunk Evie is incredibly jealous of, well, both of them, but she’s friends with Lonnie, and Lonnie’s not one of the thinnest people she’s ever met, and Lonnie doesn’t look like she’s literally modeling for every company ever. Evie sighs.

The two of them are giggling, and Evie’s really just sleepy, but she hears Lonnie call the other girl Aria and that registers somewhere in her tired, inebriated mind.

Lonnie, who is undoubtably the most sober of all of them, hands Evie a glass of water and two tablets of ibuprofen.

“Sit up and drink this,” she tells Evie, who gives her a questioning look but complies anyway. “Everyone else already drank some water,” Lonnie adds. Evie finishes the glass of water, and even though she knows it will help in the morning, it feels bad right now, because she already had sort of a lot of liquid in her stomach and now she has even more and she just feels gross. Lonnie takes the glass from her and sets it on the bedside table.  
“How are you so sober?” Evie mumbles once she’s on her stomach under the blankets again.

“I have a higher BMI, babe,” Lonnie laughs. “And almost definitely a higher tolerance.” Evie huffs, then folds her left arm under her head.

Aria lies down on the couch, and Lonnie gets into the bed on Evie’s other side, leaving Evie in the middle. Just like when they found out how fucked up she is. Evie sighs again, trying to push any thoughts of everything out of her mind because at this point she just wants to sleep for at least the next eight years. She hears Aria get up and turn off the light, and then the room is dark. Evie snuggles farther under the covers.

After a few minutes, she feels Mal tug her closer. Evie barely resists, and ends up pressed against Mal. And Evie is so tired, but she’s also drunk, and this is also Mal (wearing barely any clothes), and Evie’s heart beats faster and her breathing speeds up and she presses her thighs together tightly. It takes her a long time to fall asleep.

Evie wakes up before anyone else in the room, still pressed against Mal with their bare legs tangled together and Lonnie’s bare arm slung over her stomach. She has a terrible headache and feels sort of queasy, as expected. She doesn’t know what time it is, but she wriggles out from between Mal and Lonnie, trying to stay closer to Mal; she doesn’t know how deep of a sleeper Lonnie is, but it’s unlikely that it’s even close to Mal’s ability to sleep through anything.

She lets out a sigh of relief when her feet hit the soft carpet without having woken anyone up. She tiptoes into the bathroom and quietly shuts the door behind her, turning the knob before the door hits the frame to avoid the click.

She turns toward the mirror and winces. She looks better than she expected, but her hair is a huge mess and Evie really really _really_ doesn’t like how she looks without makeup. She sees the bottle of ibuprofen on the counter and feels a rush of relief, because her head is actually starting to hurt more than it did when she woke up. Evie’s used to dealing with and playing off headaches, but that doesn’t make it fun.

She picks the bottle up off the white quartz countertop and fumbles to get the cap off the bottle. When she finally does, she dumps some pills into her hand, popping four into her mouth and depositing the rest back into the bottle. She twists the faucet on and cups her now empty hands together under the running water, drinking five handfuls before turning the handle and shaking the water off her fingers. She wipes the backs of her hands on a pale purple towel, then presses her now cool and dry fingertips to her eyelids.

She takes her bun out and runs her fingers through her hair in an attempt to comb it. It really just makes it worse, though, and she sighs in exasperation before piling her hair into another messy bun. At least this is slightly less all over the place than her hair five minutes ago.

She lifts the toilet seat and slides her underwear down her legs. The coolness of the porcelain feels good on her thighs. After she pees and washes her hands, she stands in front of the mirror again. Her fingertips dance over her thighs. The newest cuts are half scab, half deep pink scar tissue, now, and she isn’t sure what the hell she was thinking not wearing pants to bed. She takes one last look at herself in the mirror before opening the door and walking back towards the bed.

When she’s just a few feet from the bed, Mal sits up, arching her back and raising her arms. She relaxes, now slumped slightly, and rubs her eyes, turning towards Evie who is now frozen, because first of all, her gross legs, and secondly, that was sort of really hot. Evie knows her cheeks are tinged pink, and she must look like shit. She sees Mal glance over her.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” Mal mumbles, voice raspy from sleep. Evie’s cheeks burn and Mal runs a hand through her hair, freezing with her fingers clutching tangles. She looks up, eyes slightly wide and cheeks slightly pink.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.” She lets her hand drop and sits awkwardly for a few seconds. Evie walks the last couple feet before climbing on the end of the bed.

“You are gorgeous, though,” Mal adds, voice almost a whisper, as Evie crawls back beside her. Evie blushes even darker.

“Not as gorgeous as you,” she says softly before burying herself under the covers again, only partially so she can hide her too rosy cheeks from Mal.

“I’m not pretty, though,” Evie says a few moments later, still under the blankets. Mal had been tapping a beat against the mattress, but she stops when she hears what Evie said.

“Yes you are.” She sounds very adamant about this, and Evie feels like she maybe upset her.

“No I’m not,” Evie sighs, pushing the covers down to her shoulders. “I look gross right now and I’m not wearing pants. I’m not even all that pretty when I’m totally dressed with makeup on.” Mal glares at her.

“That’s completely not true. You’re fucking gorgeous all the time, and you look super super pretty right now. Also, why the fuck would not wearing pants make you less attractive?” Mal sounds totally bewildered, and Evie doesn’t get it. Her legs are probably really _gross_ to everyone that sees them.

“My legs are gross,” Evie tells her. Mal looks confused. Evie sighs. “Like besides the fact that my actual legs are sort of really not that great or appealing, I’ve got like sort of bad scars on them. Which is like super dumb and it’s gro-“

“Honestly I will push you off this bed if you say anything about yourself is gross one more time,” Mal warns. Evie bites her lip, dropping her eyes to her hands on top of the comforter on her lap. “That’s not gross, E, and it definitely doesn’t make you less beautiful. God, you’re one of the most attractive people I’ve ever met probably. You’re so pretty. For real. Ok?” She can tell Mal’s looking at her for an answer. She shrugs a bit, and Mal sighs.

“Sorry,” she whispers.

“No, dude, you’re fine. Don’t apologize. You’re just super gorgeous and I hate that you don’t get that,” Mal tells her. “Okay. I’m gonna go pee and take some painkillers. I’ll be back in a few.” With that, Mal slips out of the bed and pads over to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Evie sighs.

“You really are gorgeous, you know,” Aria says from across the room. Evie stills, sort of forgetting how to breath. She looks up and sees Aria, still laying on the couch, now on her side facing Evie. Evie opens her mouth to say something, but she doesn’t know what, so she closes it, cheeks burning again.

“Like I’m not going to butt into your business or anything cause I know that’s like, super personal, but you’re _very_ pretty. Also incredibly nice and smart. Just so you know.” Aria doesn’t wait for her to respond, closing her eyes and rolling back onto her back. Evie stays frozen, fingers tangled around each other in her lap.

Mal opens the bathroom door and Evie relaxes a bit, mostly so Mal won’t think something’s wrong. And honestly, nothing is wrong, but also someone Evie doesn’t even really know knows that she’s at least sort of really fucked up. Which is super awesome and totally not terrifying in the slightest.

Aria gets up off the couch and takes Mal’s place in the bathroom as Mal gets back into bed, pulling the covers over her head and groaning.

“I hate drinking," she whines. Evie smiles.

“No you don’t,” she tells her, lying down as well. Mal sighs.

“You’re right. That’s you, I just hate hangovers.” Evie grins wider, glad that no one can see her right now.

Aria’s the only one of them with a working phone, so when she comes out of the bathroom Mal asks her what time it is. She clicks her phone on.

“Almost noon. Ten till.”

“Ugh,” Mal groans. “We should probably get up.” Evie and Aria agree, however reluctantly, and Mal moves to wake Lonnie up while Evie continues to avoid looking at Aria completely.

Evie doesn’t get out of bed until Lonnie’s almost done in the bathroom. She ignores her pounding heart and the urge to cover her thighs as she walks over to her bag. She glances at Aria, who smiles at her. Evie tries to smile back, but she knows she’s seen her legs and it sort of looks more like a grimace. She rummages through her bag and pulls her black leggings, pulling them onto her second leg as Lonnie opens the door. Evie almost falls over in her haste to get them on before Lonnie sees her scars, because yeah, Lonnie’s already seen them, but Mal and Aria have both seen them this morning and Evie’s sort of just trying to not start crying.

She feels better after her leggings are on, and sees that Mal has just slipped a dark green oversized sweatshirt on over her clothes. The white writing is sort of worn, and Evie’s not sure where she got it, but she looks adorable, especially when she sees Evie looking at her and pulls the hood up over her head, tugging the strings so that the opening is almost nonexistent.

Aria had been wearing a green sports bra and a pair of purple spandex, but now she’s put a tight black camisole and a chunky off white cardigan over it. Lonnie smooths out her turquoise tank top and readjusts her dark gray joggers and says she’s ready. So obviously this means they’re not _actually_ getting dressed, which means no makeup. Evie starts breathing slightly faster, which is really fucking dumb, but she looks awful and she hates anyone seeing her without makeup on.

They leave the room together, and Evie tries not to look so fucking panicked. Lonnie grabs her hand and squeezes it.

“Hey. No one else will be wearing makeup. You look insanely gorgeous for being hungover and having just woken up. Okay?” Lonnie says quietly, though both of them know that Mal and Aria can hear what she’s saying perfectly. Evie nods, probably still looking like she wants to cry. Lonnie squeezes her hand once more, then drops it.

Ben, Carlos, Audrey, Doug, Jordan, Aziz, Jane, Anxelin, Ally, Maddie, and Jay are already in the kitchen, all in some sort of sleepwear and none wearing makeup, just like Lonnie said. It’s obvious that quite a few of them had gotten to the room literally just a few seconds before Evie, Mal, Lonnie, and Aria.

Aziz is at the table in the chair closest to the door to the stairs, shirtless, and with Jordan on his lap. Evie thinks they might be dating, but she’s not sure. She can’t tell and she doesn’t know either of them well. Or at all. Anxelin is in the chair beside them, with Ally next to her, with an empty chair and then Doug. Maddie takes the seat between Doug and Ally just after they walk in. Jay is perched in the corner of the kitchen, and Ben is attempting to make coffee for everyone, handing the mugs to Carlos when they’re full.

Mal takes the last empty seat at the table, and Aria perches herself on the lap of the girl with the cool name. Audrey and Jane are both in the actual kitchen part of the kitchen, probably trying to figure out breakfast.

“Who here can cook?” Audrey asks, her voice regal even when she’s obviously hungover. A few people halfheartedly raise their hands before both Carlos and Mal volunteer Evie. Audrey looks at her somewhat skeptically.

“Can you actually cook?” she asks, no disbelief in her voice. Evie gives an almost imperceptible nod. Mal sighs overdramtigcally.

“She can actually cook, Audrey,” Mal says. Audrey motions for Evie to join her, then gives a pleading look to Lonnie, asking for more help. Lonnie grins wide and shakes her head. Audrey glares at her, but does nothing else. Jane takes Evie’s place against the wall with Lonnie, and Evie moves next to Audrey.

“I just need you to help me make like, six breakfast foods. Everyone else here is too hungover and bad at everything to be any help,” she tells Evie, trying to sound exasperated but really just sounding tired and amused. Evie’s nods, smiling slightly.

Audrey’s pretty, and likely hates her, and Evie can’t help being supremely anxious about fucking up. Audrey’s in possibly just a whitish oversized sweater and pink knee socks right now, and she’s not wearing makeup, but she’s really pretty. She keeps pushing her hair out of her face instead of putting it up, and Evie really just needs to stop being jealous of everyone. She sighs once before moving to begin the food.

Evie and Audrey decide to make pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and hash browns. They sort of need more help, but you couldn’t fit many more people at the stove anyway. Audrey grabs a mug of coffee for herself and offers one to Evie, who declines after a moment of hesitation. She knows she’s going to have to eat way more of this food than she wants and she doesn’t need anything extra in her stomach.

They recruit Carlos to cut up some fruit, and he complies almost immediately.

She feels Audrey staring at her after they’ve been cooking for about ten minutes. She looks up, suddenly even more insecure.

“What?” she asks, hating that she’s blushing again.

“Nothing. I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you without makeup. You’re really pretty,” Audrey tells her, stirring the eggs. Evie doesn’t know what to say to that lie, so she just shakes her head, sure she must look incredibly confused.

By the time they’re finished, everyone is in the kitchen and Ben has pushed a smaller table up against the one already there and gotten enough chairs for everyone. It’s incredibly crowded, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Evie ends up between Lonnie and Aria, Mal directly across from her between Audrey and Aziz. Evie’s hungover, and she knows she needs to eat. She has a hash brown, two pieces of sausage, a pancake, assorted fruit, and some eggs on her plate, which is honestly just ridiculous. She eats all of the hash brown, all of the fruit, and a piece of sausage.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much to everyone who's reading this and especially to everyone who comments on this. They for real make my day. I smile like really embarrassedly every time I see that someone has commented. Like especially long comments. Honestly you all are so sweet and super great. This is probably a shit chapter (like worse than usual) but oh well. It's spring break. I'm having a hard time processing what I'm typing. I'm in Florida where it's too fucking hot, especially inside my grandparents' house :////

After brunch people sort of go back to sleep, or at least just sit around in moderate silence. Ben says they don’t need to be gone until around five, which leaves plenty of time for people to try to recover from hangovers.

Evie really wants to throw up. Like, she really _really_ wants to throw up. She feels awful anyway because of the after effects of alcohol, and potatoes are unhealthy and calorie ridden, and sausage is super unhealthy and calorie ridden, and fruit, well, fruit is healthy and doesn’t have too many calories, but it still takes up space inside of her and she sort of can't stand it.

She gets back to the room they slept in first since Lonnie and Mal both offered to help with dishes and Aria is talking to someone about something. She heads straight for the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Looking in the mirror, she clenches her right hand into a fist, bringing it up to her mouth and biting the skin over her first knuckle. She sighs, turns to the toilet and lifts the seat, then stands, bent at the waist and her left hand braced against the rim of the toilet.

She stands there for at least three minutes. She really wants to throw up. She feels like shit. She’s honestly fucking disgusting, but this is Ben’s _house_ , and Evie would feel so bad if she made herself throw up here.

After another minute, she sinks to the ground, leaning her forehead against the toilet bowl, not even considering the germs. She sighs, cross her right arm over her head and rests it on the rim. She needs to throw up, but that would be a shitty thing to do. She can’t lie down without the weight in her stomach becoming so much more noticeable, and there’s not really anywhere else to sit down. Besides, this sort of helps, being close to the toilet, which is _disgusting_ , honestly, but Evie’s sort of past caring about that.

She realizes that she’s forgotten to lock the bathroom door, and usually that would spur her and her anxiety into action, but right now she stays where she is, curled up against the cool porcelain with her eyes closed.

She’s fallen into some sort of a daze when she hears the bedroom door open. Her heart speeds up a little, and for a moment she forgets to breathe, and she lifts her head for a moment, eyes wide. After another two seconds, though, she sighs and lowers her head again: she’s tired, and they already know how pathetic she is, so it won’t really matter if either of them find her.

A few minutes later she hears the door open and feels a figure freeze in the doorway. She knows it’s Lonnie when she hears her take two short strides over to Evie instead of speaking from the threshold. She feels Lonnie hovering above her.

“Evie, what are you doing? You should have gotten m-“

“I didn’t throw up,” Evie tells her, slightly indigent and without raising her head. “I should’ve though. I’m disgusting,” she adds, volume dropping with every syllable. She can tell that Mal’s in the doorway, now.

“Nope!” Lonnie exclaims. “You’re great, and I’m very proud of you. You are not disgusting. Now come get back in bed,” she orders, sticking a hand out to Evie, who opens her eyes and takes it after a moment’s hesitation.

Lonnie follows Mal out of the bathroom and lets go of Evie’s hand so that she can climb into the bed. She buries herself under the covers and curls up on her side. She feels someone climb in next to her. She smells Mal’s perfume as she scoots closer under the sheets.

“Please don’t touch my stomach,” Evie whispers, eyes still shut tight. Mal must hear her, because though she moves so that she’s basically right up against Evie, she doesn’t wrap her arms around her. Evie slides closer, already almost asleep, and lays her head beside Mal’s arm. She’s like ninety-eight percent under the sheets and blankets, and it’s sort of too warm and hard to breathe, but Evie’s really sleepy, and it also feels sort of good.

Evie wakes up about an hour and a half later. She still needs to throw up. She stays curled under the covers for a few more seconds, reveling in the soft glow from the overhead lights shining through the fabric. She still has a bit of a headache, and she knows it probably won’t feel great to move into the brighter light. Stretching her arm out, she notices that Mal has gotten up sometime while she was asleep and Evie has managed to shift over so that she’s almost falling off the bed. After a couple more seconds, she sits up, head throbbing slightly, and glances around the room.

She notices Lonnie sprawled out on top of the comforter on the opposite side of the bed, and Mal’s tucked into the corner of the sofa, textbook on her lap. She looks up when she hears Evie and smiles softly at her.

“Still want to throw up?” she asks, gaze dropping back to her textbook. Evie hesitates for a moment.

“Yep,” she answers honestly, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and dropping to the floor. She walks towards the bathroom, and out of the corner of her eye sees Mal look up, attempting to not seem alarmed. Evie pauses, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Oh! Oh my god I’m not going to throw up! That would be so shitty! Both of you guys are right here,” Evie tells her franticly, eyes wide. Mal opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, Evie spins around and stumbles into the bathroom, slamming the door slightly behind her. She winces at the noise, but turns her back to the door, leaning against it. She squeezes her eyes shut.

A second later she blinks, then pushes herself off the door. Sighing, she balls her right hand into a fist and hits it against her hip ten times. It starts to actually hurt after four, and when she’s done she knows it will bruise. She’s not really sure what happened, but she feels disgusting and like her skin doesn’t fit right and just not good.

After a minute or so she lets her knees give out beneath her, collapsing onto the floor with a thump. She stays there for more than half an hour, falling into a sleep-like state towards the end.

She finally picks herself up off the floor, grabbing onto the counter for support. She’s glad that all the toiletries she brought are already in here.

In the end, she spends over an hour in the bathroom, and when she comes out all of her makeup is on and her hair is braided on the top and pulled into a bun on the back left side of her head. Mal looks up when she hears the bathroom door open and raises her eyebrows at Evie.

“You good?” she asks from where she’s still sitting on the couch. Evie nods, probably for a little longer than is necessary.

“What time is it?” Evie asks her, carrying her toiletries kit towards the bag she brought.

“Half past three,” Mall tells her a few seconds later. “While you were in the bathroom Ben came down and said people were driving back at 4:30 ish,” she adds. Evie doesn’t respond, but pulls the book they’re reading for English out of her bag, padding over to join Mal on the couch.

Mal has a stack of at least four school books beside her, and when Evie finishes the English reading after twenty minutes or so, she leans across Mal and grabs her heroism book. Mal glares at Evie without anything behind it, and Evie smiles innocently. Mal rolls her eyes, going back to trying to do her math.

“Can I borrow a piece of paper?” Evie asks a moment later, voice sickly sweet. Mal groans over dramatically before Evie’s even done with her sentence, but complies nonetheless, shooting glances at Evie the whole time she reaches between her stack of books and pulls out a sheet of lined paper.

“And a pencil?” Evie adds right after Mal goes back to her reading.

“Fuck you,” Mal monotones as she hands her one. Evie grins again and begins to start on her heroism homework.

When she finishes, she grabs Mal’s arm, turning it so she can see the watch on her wrist. Mal pays Evie no attention as she does this. It’s 4:16.

“We should probably wake Lonnie up,” Evie says. Mal looks up then, eyes fixed on Lonnie’s sleeping figure. She nods.

“Yeah. That might be good. I’ll do it, I guess,” she sighs before pushing herself up off the sofa and making her way over to the bed. She then proceeds to shake Lonnie until she wakes up, incredibly confused, and tells her the time. Lonnie moans, bringing a hand up to rub her eyes.

“Alright,” Evie hears her mutter, mostly to herself. Almost a minute later she says it again, then sits up and swings her legs onto the floor in one smooth motion. She stumbles over to her bag, obviously still disoriented from sleep. Mal makes her way back over to the sofa and starts to pack up her school stuff.

Lonnie strips off her tank top, leaving her half naked. Evie starts to wonder why Lonnie would do that when she knows that Evie is gay but stops herself when she remembers that she and Lonnie have basically had this conversation like five times. She puts on a black and teal, hot pink, and goldish flower printed bra, then a hot pink long sleeved t shirt.

Evie gets up off the couch as Mal finishes loading her books and stuff into her bag. Evie walks over to her bag as Lonnie slips a pair of black low top converse on without socks, leaving her ankles exposed. Evie winces, thinking about how the suddenly cold air will bite at her skin.

Evie reaches into her bag and pulls out the other pair of shoes she brought: her black ankle boots. She pulls the pair of teal socks that she’d stuck inside one out and pulls them on her feet, lacing the boots over them. She stands back up, adjusting her shirt, and notices that Mal has changed out of her pajama shorts and into a pair of tight black jeans, leaving the big green sweatshirt on.

It’s about 4:25, now, and Evie’s not sure where she left her coat, but she pulls the black and gray big infinity scarf out of her bag and wraps it twice around her neck anyway.

There’s been people walking past the guest room all afternoon, but now Evie hears loud footsteps quickly approaching the door. Aria bursts into the room a second later, out of breath. She’s got her dark red hair in double french braids, now, and she’s wearing makeup. Evie only now realizes that she has a lot of freckles, now covered with concealer and foundation. She’s very pretty, Evie thinks, and it’s a different look when she has makeup on, but she’s probably just as pretty without. Evie sighs, shaking her head without realizing.

“Sorry,” Aria pants, a smile on her lips. Evie watches as she pulls a pair of dark gray leggings up her (thin) legs and then shoves her feet into a cool pair of purple suede looking Nikes. She adjusts the cardigan she’s still wearing and looks up again, grinning.

“It’s time to go by the way,” she tells them. Mal laughs, and Evie tries not to smile. They all grab their things, doing a quick sweep of the room to make sure no one’s leaving anything behind. They head upstairs together, meeting mostly everyone else at the top of the stairs.

They head out to Ben’s driveway/literal tree lined road as a group, and pile into cars randomly. Ben, Audrey, and Aziz had driven over, and they managed to fit everyone in their cars (mostly) legally.

They pile into cars based almost solely on what car is the closest to someone. Evie ends up in the front seat of Audrey’s car, with Mal, Lonnie, and Aria in the back. Since they were the first car to fill up, Audrey starts driving immediately before anyone has to double up on seats. They see Jay and Aziz shouting at them and waving their arms through the car windows, and Audrey just smiles and waves, and Evie looks back in time to see Mal flipping them off.

Audrey speeds out of Ben’s driveway and laughs. She pushes her hair out of her face again and leans over to turn on the radio. A song that Evie has never heard blares through Audrey’s speakers. She giggles when Audrey starts belting out the lyrics, and then winces at herself for giggling.

Audrey pulls into some fast food place a few minutes later, asking everyone what they want. Mal, Lonnie, and Aria respond. Audrey turns back to the front, opening her mouth and starting to ask Evie what she wants.

“Oh I don’t want anything, thanks,” she rushes, cutting her off. She throws a quick glance behind her and notices that the girls in the back are too busy laughing over something (probably a horribly dumb joke) to pay attention to what Evie’s saying to Audrey. “Maybe a water, actually,” she adds. Audrey hesitates for a second, but nods, and turns back to the front, pulling her car up to the speaker as the vehicle in front of her drives away.

A crackling static comes through the speaker, followed by a somewhat understandable voice.

“Hi. May I have a medium chocolate milkshake, a water, a cherry coke with extra cherries, a mango Fanta, and an apple juice,” Audrey lists, ignoring the poorly stifled laughter from the back of her car.

They soon pull up, and the girl in the window begins loading drinks into the car. She hands each one to Evie. She’s holding three drinks before she can figure out what any of them are. She scrambles to pass the right ones to the back.

Audrey pays, and it’s only when Mal tells her she’ll pay her back at school and Audrey just waves her hand and tells her not to worry about it that Evie remembers just how rich a lot of the people, and kids, in Auradon are. She can’t help but feel a rush of shame thinking about her things and her mother and herself. She pinches her thigh through her black leggings, breathing in sharply at the sensation of fingernails digging into her flesh.

Pulling out of the parking lot, Audrey turns the radio back up slightly, having turned it down to be able to order their drinks. The three in the back have finally managed to somewhat get it together, and she hears Mal ask Audrey a question, sparking a conversation between the four of them. Evie really tries to participate, or at least to listen, but she’s too stuck in her own head. She pinches her leg again.

The rest of the drive goes like this: someone says something funny, the other laugh, Evie laughs a second late, Evie pinches herself again as a punishment.

They pull into the school parking lot and stumble out of the car. Evie realizes that she still has a bit of headache and is really just still hungover when her eyes squeeze shut against the sun. She doesn’t say much as they unload the car, and silently follows her friends to check back in, and then follows Mal to their room.

Evie climbs into her bed with her homework for magical plants. With her legs crossed under her blankets, she sets the textbook on her lap and starts to read, answering the assigned questions as she goes.

They had gotten back around five, and by the time Evie finishes with her homework it’s a quarter to six. She picks up her book and sets it back down beside her, leaning back into her pillows. She stays like that for a while, envisioning how she’ll finish the clothes she’s still making for Ace.

About twenty minutes later she hears Mal drop the book she was using onto the table. Evie startles, and Mal looks up at her, propped up with her elbows on the bed behind her. Mal laughs.

“Come on, it’s time for dinner,” she tells her. Evie can’t help but sigh, but still gets out of bed and puts her shoes back on. They walk down to dinner in amicable silence, both tired and still slightly hungover.

Dinner is roasted chicken and baked pasta and vegetables and the other usual foods. Evie is getting really tired of this whole having to eat thing, and puts about ten green beans and a medium sized slice of chicken on her plate before walking over and picking up a glass. She fills it up with apple juice.

“Mal,” she calls. Just getting out of the line, Mal turns to her. “Will you get me a fork?”

“Yeah sure.” Mal turns back to the utensils and grabs another fork.

They sit at their usual table. Ben, Carlos, Doug, and Jane are already there. By the time everyone has joined them Evie’s almost done. She eats everything on her plate and drinks all of her juice, but she sort of feels like she’s going to explode.

Evie and Mal wait a few more minutes after they finish to leave, talking with their friends. When Doug gets up, though, they follow, and put away their dishes before walking back to their room.

Evie doesn’t have much homework left, so she finishes that quickly with her stomach still hurting, then grabs a pair of (what used to be Jay’s) boxers and a t shirt (that was probably also Jay’s) and goes to take a shower.

She feels significantly better after she’s washed her hair and body. She turns the shower off and steps out of the shower, wrapping a towel around her body. After she dries off her shoulders, she secures the towel under her arms and twists another towel around her hair. With both towels in place, she pulls makeup removers from her drawer and wipes off her remaining makeup.

It’s only about 7:30, but Evie gets into bed anyway, Mal replacing her in the bathroom. She hears the shower turn on, and almost half an hour later, Mal walks out, hair wet and towel wrapped around herself. Evie closes her eyes. Mal gets dressed and goes back into the bathroom.

It’s a little after 8:30 by the time Mal turns off the light and gets in bed. Evie falls asleep within ten minutes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Alright. Sorry I haven't updated. It's not like it even takes me to write a chapter. I spent like half an hour on this for like three days and it's done (not good, but done) so.  
> 2\. THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who reads this and especially to people comment. It seriously makes my day you don't even understand. I would respond except I'm bad at talking to people. Everyone's comments mean so much and some in particular are just so wonderful.  
> 3\. I made a 90 on a math quiz today that I was praying I would even get an 85 on, so my grade's still a 92!!! YAY

Mondays suck. Period. Full stop. End of story.

Okay, so obviously Monday’s are probably not that bad for some people. Maybe they’re even good. But Evie is a high school student. And it’s not that she’s even _just_ a high school student, she also lives at school and has all eight of her classes today and is being forced to recover from an eating disorder, which is much harder to get out of on weekdays. So, Evie hates Mondays. Period. Full stop. End of story.

Evie lets out a huff of breath, curling herself beneath her blankets. She counts to one hundred, then slowly drags herself out of bed, shivering when her mostly bare legs hit the cool air. She pads over to the bathroom, closing and locking the door softly behind her, then flipping on the light. She tugs down her shorts and perches on the edge of ice cold toilet seat. After she pees, she brushes her teeth and washes her hands and starts on her makeup.

Forty minutes later she’s out of the bathroom, making her way to her closet. It’s cold out, and as much as she dislikes that fact, she knows that it’s true. She stands in front of her clothes for a moment, then sighs as she pulls out a pair of black skinny jeans and a loose dark red long sleeved t shirt.

She strips out of her pajamas, shivering as goose bumps pop up on her skin. She quickly slips on a pair of black lace underwear and a matching bralette, then pulls her jeans and top on over that. She goes ahead and pulls out her black booties and a pair of socks, but leaves them on the floor, knowing that she’ll get back in bed as soon as she finishes the math homework she forgot about.

When Mal wakes up twenty minutes later, Evie is once again curled under her blankets, reveling in the warmth and softness. She hears Mal walking around the room, getting dressed and putting on makeup. Evie sighs, hating that she wants nothing more than for Mal to lie down beside her.

She doesn’t realize that she falls back asleep, but the next thing she remembers is Mal poking her lightly on the nose. Repeatedly. Evie opens her eyes, glaring immediately at Mal, who just grins.

“It’s time to go,” she tells her, voice still slightly raspy. Evie groans, but gets up anyway, taking a minute to put on her shoes and grab her gray jacket. She follows Mal, who by that point had gotten tired of waiting and very slowly left the bedroom, out the door, jogging a bit to catch up with her.

When they’re side by side, Mal grabs Evie’s hand in what is obviously a very _friendly gesture good lord Evie get it the fuck together stop being so awful_.

Mostly everyone is there by the time they get to the dining hall, and Mal drops Evie’s hand when they reach the serving room, where they split up. Evie grabs a bagel, pulls the two sides apart, and drops it in the one available toaster, putting it on a very low setting. While her bagel’s toasting, she plucks a cup off the top of the stack and fills it with apple juice. She walks back over to the toaster and totally one hundred percent definitely does not jump at all one bit when her bagel pops up.

She plucks the two sides out, dropping them quickly onto her plate and shaking her burning fingers. Forgoing the cream cheese and butter and jelly and everything, she walks out towards the table, frowning only slightly when she notices that Mal isn’t there yet. Lonnie frowns only slightly when she notices how much Evie’s (not) eating.

Evie can’t really bring herself to eat even the whole bagel, and by the time she’s almost done it’s just her, Mal, Lonnie, Audrey, and Jay at the table. Mal is done, and Lonnie’s still eating, but probably only so Evie doesn’t feel like she’s holding them up or anything. Jay’s on his like third plate of food, and Evie has to close her eyes against the image of him shoveling pancakes into his mouth if she even wants to think about keeping this stupid bagel and juice down. Audrey’s sipping on a cup of suspiciously pale coffee that Evie thinks is probably at least half milk. She’s probably waiting for Lonnie, Evie thinks, or maybe she really does just want to finish her caffeinated milk.

She hasn’t taken in a bite in at least three minutes when she hears Lonnie cough lightly. She looks up to see Lonnie give the bagel a knowing glance. Evie doesn’t budge, but hold’s Lonnie’s gaze. The staring contest lasts almost a full minute, and Evie’s sure Mal and Audrey must notice, but they don’t say anything, and Evie finally sighs, squeezing the last bit of bagel into a dense ball and popping it into her mouth. She chews it to a pulp, and it’s hard to swallow. She’s out of apple juice.

She’s not trying that hard to actually get the bagel down her throat, and so she’s sort of just sitting there, chewing the bread into something harder and harder to swallow. After another thirty seconds, she realizes that Audrey’s looking at her. Evie glances down self consciously, making another effort to swallow the lump of bagel pulp. She sees Audrey push her mostly empty mug across the table.

Evie looks up, eyebrows furrowed slightly. Audrey sighs.

“Drink it,” she tells her, catching the attention of Mal, who lifts her head up off the wooden table at the command. Evie does, and swallows everything in her mouth. She thanks Audrey quietly, and when Lonnie finishes her cereal a few seconds later, the four of them get up and take their plates.

They walk together to morning assembly, and when that finishes almost twenty minutes later, they walk together towards the dorms, splitting into pairs as soon as they get to Mal and Evie’s door. Mal turns her key and pushes open the door. Evie follows her in, wincing slightly as the door thuds shut behind her.

She goes to the bathroom first, checking herself in the mirror again. Then she slips her arms into the coat she’d been carrying and adjusts it, transferring necessitates into the pockets. She grabs her bag as Mal is shoving books into hers, and they walk out together. They wait almost two minutes for Lonnie and Audrey in amicable silence.

The two other girls join them, and they leave the building together, making their way to the academic building. Mal splits off from them first, ducking into the English classroom. Audrey’s Basic Chivalry class is the farthest, so when Evie and Lonnie push open the door to the math room, she keeps walking. Evie's tired, and she doesn't want to be in math class when she’s perfectly rested and in a good mood. Or, as good a mood as she ever is, at least. She just has to get through this class. And then seven others. And lunch. And dinner. She groans out loud, and Lonnie gives her a strange look. Evie’s cheeks burn red. Lonnie laughs lightly, turning away from Evie as she lowers herself into a seat.

Evie plops down in the desk beside her and takes her math book and binder out of her bag. She opens her book and pulls out her homework before allowing herself to lay her head on her desk, at least until class starts.

She makes it through math with only maximal boredom, confusion, and discomfort, and packs up her things to head to her next class, magical plants, which is thankfully more enjoyable and less difficult.

Evie sits down at a table next to Carlos. The class goes by as expected, and Evie packs up her books forty-five minutes later and heads to English. English is maybe her favorite class (she loves chemistry, but not her teacher, and while she’s really fond of the _idea_ of a heroism class, she’s not sure how she actually feels about it), but she really hates Mondays. She has all eight of her classes and no time between them. Which is _awful_.

After English and her history of Auradon class, she walks with Lonnie, Carlos, Jay, and Ben to lunch, foregoing the trip to the dorms to avoid long lines. They’d been let out early, and they (except for Evie) want to take advantage of that.

Lunch is tacos and nachos etc. etc., and Evie just really can’t bring herself to eat much of any of that. She grabs some plain thin tortilla chips, some raw spinach, and a glass of water and decides that Lonnie’s just gonna have to deal with how little she’s eating. And has been eating. And with the fact that she wants to eat significantly less.

By the time everyone’s at the table Evie, Lonnie, and Carlos are all pretty much completely done. They climb out from the table and bus their dishes, then walk together towards their rooms, Carlos splitting off first.

When Evie gets in her room, she immediately drops her bag, slips off her shoes, and climbs into bed. She sets the alarm on her (school provided) alarm clock for 12:50 and snuggles under the covers. She knows she likely won’t actually fall asleep, but she has over half an hour to lie comfortably in her bed.

Mal doesn’t come in until almost quarter to. She sees the lump that is Evie’s body beneath blankets and laughs a bit. Evie listens as she switches out books and binders and notebooks from her morning classes with ones for her next four classes. She can hear Mal humming a song under her breath, but she’s not positive she recognizes it.

She gets up before the alarm goes off, mainly so she can avoid it yelling. She turns it off before sliding onto the floor and making her way to her shoes, which she then puts back on, wobbling slightly at the change in height and balance. She quickly unpacks her bag and repacks it for her afternoon classes, then makes her way to chemistry, walking as much of the way as possible with Mal.

Since it’s a Monday, they don’t have much time to do anything more than go over the homework and listen to a lecture with a slideshow, which Evie doesn’t mind, to be honest. She’s sitting by Jane, and Jane’s really nice, if slightly over eager, so it’s not like she can complain about much of anything. The class seems to take less time than expected, and she walks out flanked by Jane and Doug. They both have heroism next, and she’s obviously the only one of them that takes remedial goodness, so she walks into class alone.

She sort of likes that the class is just her and her oldest friends. Once they’d gotten past both the sword thing and the whole “not wanting to be in Auradon at all gross” thing, it’s been a pretty fun class. It’s very easy, and Fairy Godmother’s really nice. Lots of times, especially on Mondays, she lets them use it as a sort of study hall. Today is one of those days. Evie sits down between Mal and Carlos and takes out her chemistry book, starting on the homework she was just assigned.

She gets chemistry, and she finishes fairly quickly. Fairy Godmother is still grading papers at her desk, glancing up occasionally to make sure no one has died or anything, and she looks up as Evie’s checking the time on the clock above her head. She catches Evie’s eye and smiles at her. Evie smiles back.

She starts on her math after that, because while it might not be the hardest of her homework, it’s her least favorite, and even though she doesn’t have math until Wednesday, she’d rather go ahead and get it out of the way.

The four of them pack up near the end of the forty-five minutes, and Evie walks with Carlos to heroism, which goes by very uneventfully, as does basic chivalry, which she has with Doug and a whole lot of people she barely knows at all.

Evie goes back to her dorm when classes end at four. Mal’s already there. Neither of them have an afternoon program, even though they’re technically not allowed not to. Carlos doesn’t have one either. First and second year students are both supposed to be in an afternoon program all three trimesters, but the faculty and people had been worried about them adjusting or something. Jay only has one because he was so eager to join Tourney that the admissions people said it was fine. She’ll have to have one next trimester, Evie knows, which sort of sucks. It’s great to not have to do anything for three hours.

“Hey, E,” Mal says a few minutes after Evie walks in. “Do you want to go watch a movie or something with Carlos?” Evie doesn’t have anything better to do, and they really haven’t spent much time together recently, so she agrees.

Carlos is on the couch, and Mal sits down beside him, and Evie beside her. Evie brings up her legs and curls her feet under her.

They watch some movie about superheroes that’s really good, actually, but Evie wasn’t paying much attention at the beginning so she missed a lot of important plot pieces. She still enjoys it, though.

Mal and Evie stay in the boys’ room until dinner, and they make their way down as soon as they’ll be let into the dining hall. Lonnie’s there already, and looks like she came straight from her martial arts practice, which is something Evie was surprised to find out that they offered when she first learned that’s what Lonnie’s AP was.

Ben’s there, too, obviously straight from tourney practice, and obviously having run here to meet Carlos since no one else from tourney is here, yet. People are especially talkative at dinner tonight, and Evie manages to hide over half of her broccoli and chicken on a napkin in her lap or under the rim of her plate. With just a little strategic maneuvering, she clears her plate without anyone noticing. She really wants to feel bad about not eating, but she feels slightly elated, and also like an awful person, but she always feels like that.

Back in their room, Evie and Mal sit across from each other at the wooden table as they work on their homework. They only have one of the same classes tomorrow, so there’s not much they can work on together. Mal can’t help Evie with her magical plants essay, and Evie _definitely_ can’t help Mal with her Latin and ancient spells.

Evie tries to finish her homework as quickly as possible, and she mostly succeeds. They don’t have homework for remedial goodness, and she barely has any for basic chivalry, so once she finishes her magical plants essay (which isn’t even due until Thursday), she does her reading for history and closes her books.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” she tells Mal. Mal doesn’t look up from her Latin book, but nods absentmindedly.

“Alright, have fun,” she tells her, obviously distracted. Evie _hates_ that she blushes at that, because obviously Mal’s just being nice and distracted and whatever, but Evie’s disgusting and awful. She stands there, frozen, for a moment or two before grabbing a change of clothes from her closet and shutting the bathroom door behind her.

She doesn’t bother to remove her makeup before she gets in, and washes her hair as quickly as possible. She scrubs body wash over herself while conditioner is in her hair. After she’s rinsed off the soap, she sits down in the shower, reveling in the warmth and comfort of the hot water. She stays there for at least ten minutes before she hoists herself up and rinses the conditioner from her hair.

After she dries herself off, she removes the rest of her makeup and brushes her hair, letting it fall limply down her back, still dripping slightly. She slips on a pair of black leggings and Mal’s big green sweatshirt before opening the door and stepping out, shivering involuntarily at the drastic change in temperature. She gathers up her clothes and brings them into her closet, folding what can be worn again back up and depositing the rest in her laundry hamper.

She walks back out to the bedroom where it looks like Mal is almost done with her homework. Evie gets out her sewing machine and, as she’s just finishing setting it up, Mal slams her book closed, causing Evie to flinch. She can tell that Mal is giving the back of her head an apologetic look, but she doesn’t turn around.

When she finally has her sewing machine ready she turns to Mal, who is still in the process of putting away all her school stuff.

“I’m gonna take a shower, too,” she tells Evie, who nods in response. “Do you need to do anything else in the bathroom?” Mal asks, already in her closet. Evie pauses for a moment.

“Just brush my teeth, but I can do that when you’re done.”

Mal takes almost thirty minutes in the shower, and Evie works on finishing the clothes for Ace and not thinking about Mal, naked and wet.

Evie’s almost done sewing, at least for the night, when Mal comes out of the bathroom. She finishes about ten minutes later, then gets up, puts her stuff away, and moves to brush her teeth. She’s tired, and doesn’t have much to do, so she climbs in bed. Besides, it’s getting late anyway.

“Is it cool if I leave the light on for a bit?” Mal asks when she notices Evie’s gotten into bed.

“Yeah totally! I’m not even really planning on falling asleep for a while,” she tells her, a small smile on her lips. Mal turns the light off about half an hour later, and then gets into her own bed.

“Goodnight, Evie. I love you,” she hears Mal say from across the room, voice slightly muffled by blankets. Evie feels her throat tighten and her heart clench and she tries not to think about why.

“Love you, too,” she manages to choke out, hoping she doesn’t sound too strangled and breathless.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M  
> SO  
> SORRY
> 
> I have very few excuses, but I did great on exams so?? Maybe that'll count?? For real though, I got the highest grade on my math exam, a 99 on my Latin(/Greek because that class sucks), I got the English award for my grade, and I apparently have like the highest GPA for my grade. This is a fucking miracle, y'all.
> 
> But for real. I'm so sorry for not updating in more than a month. This chapter isn't even that great. Alas.

When Evie wakes up, she can’t breathe. Or at least not through her nose. She tries to sit up, and when she does, realizes that her head is pounding once again, but this time not from a hangover. She swallows. And winces. 

“Fuck,” she whispers before breaking out into a fit of coughing she tries desperately hard to quiet. Mal doesn’t wake up, and Evie manages to roll out of bed and somehow ends up in the bathroom. She fumbles through her morning routine, and, after just slightly more time than usual, she looks all right.

Okay, so not totally all right, because her hair is still a huge mess and even with extensive amounts of concealer she still has bags under her eyes, but she can definitely play it off as just tired. She sighs, and ends up coughing again. Searching blindly through her drawer she pulls out a new hair tie and a red bandana, which she knows she’ll take off at some point during the day. She pulls her hair into a half hearted high ponytail and folds the bandana into a headband. She ties it around her head. She looks exhausted, but better than when she woke up, at least.

Evie’s already deciding what the most comfortable clothes she can wear and still look adequate are when she leaves the bathroom. By the time she’s made the very short walk to her closet she’s decided on a pair of black leggings and her plain and slightly too big white shirt. 

She strips out of her pajamas and pulls a random pair of underwear up her legs, then puts on a plain black bralette. She manages to get the clothes she decided on over that, and then scans her shelves for a pair of comfortable shoes. She grabs her black booties and a pair of fluffy socks, then stumbles back out of her closet and into her bed, dropping the footwear in the middle of the floor on the way. 

She collapses back onto her bed. There’s a maximum of forty minutes before she needs to leave the room. She doesn’t mean to fall back asleep, but she does. 

It feels like just seconds later when Mal shakes her gently to wake her up. Evie yawns an apology and hurries to put on her shoes while attempting to suppress a coughing fit. Being sick is definitely not the most fun. 

It takes Evie about twice as long as usual to put on her shoes, but Mal doesn’t really seem to notice. They walk down to breakfast. Evie tries her best to look like she isn’t literally dying. Almost everyone is already at the table when they get there, and so Mal starts moving a little faster as they pick up plates for food. Evie is not happy about this development. 

Obviously food is never something Evie is particularly happy about, but today it really just seems unnecessary. She’s almost completely apathetic to all the aspects of it she usually hates (calories, heaviness, how awful it makes her feel), and really just doesn’t think she has the energy to eat anything. There’s also a distinct possibly she’ll puke if she swallows anything, but, you know, that’s fine. 

She grabs a piece of bread from the half gone loaf and pops it in the toaster. After about ten seconds she decides that she really needs to sit down and toast isn’t even that much better than bread. Even though she presses the button on the appliance and knows that the warm bread is going to pop up, she still jumps slightly when it does. 

On her way to the table she grabs a glass and starts to fill it with orange juice, which, again, takes too long, and so that’s how she ends up between Audrey and Ben (with an empty space beside her for Mal) with half a glass of juice and a piece of what she’s not even pretending is toast. Lonnie gives her a look that Evie knows has to do with Evie not having enough food on her plate or something, but she can’t bring herself to care at this point. 

She tears the bread in half and stuffs the piece in her right hand into her mouth all at once. She doesn’t really chew, just lets it get soggy and disintegrate slightly on her tongue. She down most of the orange juice with the bread still in her mouth, and then swallows everything without chewing once. Exhausted by the obvious effort put into the eating, she leaves the rest of the bread on her plate.

Mal sits down beside her with a reasonable and fully formed breakfast, and tries not to look like she’s watching Evie and what she doesn’t eat. Evie tries so incredibly hard throughout the whole of breakfast to not put her head down, and she succeeds. Barely. 

Evie, Mal, Jay, and Carlos have remedial goodness 101 first on Tuesdays, and Evie has never been more grateful for that class. She’s not going to have to do a damn thing. They walk together after a brief trip back to their rooms. By the time they get to the classroom Evie’s head is absolutely pounding and she feels like her nose is going to explode from the pressure. 

She manages to not fall into her chair and instead gracefully plops herself into it, wincing when her shoulder blade hits the top of the chair back. Fairy Godmother, as expected, just gives them a free period. At this point she’s pretty confident in their character, which definitely works to Evie’s advantage now more than ever. She puts her head on her desk and pretends to do her English homework. (Read: closes her eyes and flips a page in the book every few minutes.)

At the end of the period Mal splits off from the other three to go to math, and Evie trudges slightly behind Jay and Carlos to her history class. She sits at a table beside Audrey. Jay and Carlos both sit down with Ben, Carlos on his left and Jay across from him. A girl whose name Evie would usually be able to remember sits down with them a moment later. 

Aria comes in a few minutes later and takes the seat across from Evie. Class starts, and Evie can barely keep her eyes open. She knows she must look ridiculous, eyes half shut and mouth wide open because she can’t fucking breathe through her nose and is too self conscious to ask any teacher if they have tissues. About a half hour into whatever they’re supposed to be doing today, Evie notices Aria staring at her, obviously concerned. Aria realizes that Evie’s noticed and gives her a worried look.

“Are you okay?” she asks, leaning across the table slightly. Evie nods and tries to look confused.

“Uh, yeah. Why?” She hopes she doesn’t sound as congested and exhausted and generally shitty as she feels. 

Aria raises her eyebrows and says, “You just look like you’re dying is all.” At this, Lonnie looks over, slightly alarmed. Evie tries to shrug both of them off, and believes that she succeeds. 

When class is over and Evie is gathering her stuff, Lonnie sneak attacks her with a hand to the forehead. She gasps when she feels how warm Evie’s head is.

“What the hell, Evie? You have a fever!” Lonnie sounds personally offended by the information. “You need to go to the nurse,” she adds, concern leaking back into her voice. Evie shakes her head, first violently, but then that makes it hurt too much so she ends up barely moving it. 

“But then I’ll get behind and have to do makeup work and fail everything and everyone will hate me,” she tells Lonnie, who just looks confused.

“Alright, that didn’t even make sense.” Evie shrugs. Then, a few seconds later, Lonnie adds, “I’m taking you to the nurse. Come on.” Evie barely struggles. 

The nurse, a fairly young fairy, is actually really incredibly nice. She sends Evie back to her room and tells her she’ll be by to check on her every hour or so because all the beds in her office are taken, which is much better than Evie was expecting.

Evie more or less sleeps through the next two days, waking up occasionally when the nurse comes in with medicine or Mal closes a door too loudly. When she wakes up Thursday morning she feels significantly better. On the downside, she’s surrounded by at least forty used tissues and empty cups. 

She sits up, stretching, and has to choke down a cough when her lungs disagree with the change in position. She feels so much better, sure, but that really doesn’t mean she’s well. Her standard for what constitutes feeling fine and not sick is very low. 

She realizes that Mal’s not in her bed. After a moment she hears her in her closet, and only then does Evie look at the clock. She has twenty minutes to class. She can get ready in that amount of time. Probably. 

Mal hasn't noticed that she’s up, and is obviously in a hurry, so Evie doesn’t say anything to the other girl as she rushes out the door. When the door slams shut behind her, Evie gets out of bed as quickly as her body and still pounding head will allow, then hurries into the bathroom. 

She only does the absolute necessities, which, for her, still takes more than fifteen minutes. She doesn’t really do her hair, though, and just throws it up into a messy bun. She still feels awful, but honestly not that much worse than she does on a regular day, so it’s probably fine.

She walks into her closet and semi-blindly grabs a pair of leggings and a long flowy dark red t shirt. She pulls the leggings up and fumbles to clasp a bra around her body. She eventually succeeds, and slips her shirt on over that. She tugs a pair of slip on black shoes on her feet and, as an afterthought, grabs a long black cardigan, which she slides onto her arms as she leaves the closet. 

In the bedroom, she quickly gathers what she needs for her first classes, even though she has done practically none of the assignments for them. She grabs her jacket, double checks herself in the mirror, winces, but leaves the room anyway.

She hurries as much as she can in her still sickly state the the nurse’s office so that she will hopefully be cleared for classes. The nurse looks at her skeptically and doesn’t seem even 80% down with the idea of Evie going back to school, but sends her off after a dose of cold medicine and a note for her teachers anyway. Evie is grateful for that. She doesn’t need to be any more behind than she is already. 

She manages to arrive at the remedial goodness 101 classroom just two minutes before class officially starts. The other three are already there, and they all look surprised to see her. Especially Mal, who looks moderately worried and more than a bit confused. Which, Evie knows, is reasonable, since, as far as Mal knew, Evie was still super asleep and super sick about forty minutes ago.

Fair Godmother tells Evie that she’s happy she’s feeling better, but to go back to the nurse if she doesn’t feel well. Evie nods and thanks her even though she has absolutely no intention of going to the nurse unless cornered and dragged there like she was earlier this week. Class is, like always, barely even a class, and Evie uses that time to being to catch up on homework, starting with what she needs to finish for her next class. 

Since she finishes her homework for basic chivalry with plenty of time to spare, she decides to go ahead and start on what she needs to do for history so that she hopefully won’t have to work on it during lunch. It’s not difficult, but it is a lot of reading, and her heads still hurts much more than she is actually willing admit, which definitely does hinder her ability to both interpret and process words. So not the most enjoyable thing she could be doing. 

Regardless of any difficulties relating to her still being sick, she finishes just before F period ends, which she is super glad about since she knows she’ll have to do her fucking Latin and spells homework during lunch, still. That class will honestly be the death of her. The teacher is such a dickwad, and to make it worse, he thinks he’s a great guy. She has never sat through a class with him in which she did not want to gouge out either his eyes or her own. She’ll still have to do the homework, though. 

Fairy Godmother lets them out a little early (like always), so the four of them are able to get to their classes. Carlos splits off first to go to math, and then Evie walks the last bit to basic chivalry after Mal and Jay walk into heroism.

She always sits by Doug in this class. When she walks in, he’s already there, backpack on the seat next to him. He looks up as she walks towards him and smiles at her, moving the bag. 

“Are you not still sick? You weren’t at breakfast.” He sounds worried. She doesn’t know if it’s fake or not, but she appreciates it nevertheless. She shrugs. 

“I woke up just a few minutes before classes started and I felt better, so I went to the nurse and she said I was good to go. Well, ish,” Evie adds, knowing that she is far from even as healthy as she is on a day to day basis. Doug grins. She pulls out the chair and sits down beside him, trying not to let on that being on her feet is making her slightly nauseous. But, you know, she’s fine. 

Basic chivalry is uneventful as always, and Evie and Doug leave together for lunch having completely completed their homework for Monday. Evie is seriously not looking forward to lunch. Even more so than she usually is. If it’s something red meaty for lunch, or really even anything that smells strongly food like, she might puke. 

It’s pizza, which isn’t the worst thing it could be, but Evie is still definitely not going to be eating that. She grabs a banana, some apple juice, and two packages of crackers and really hopes Mal and Lonnie won’t give her shit. She really doubts she can eat even this much.

She gets to the table before Doug, but Audrey, Ben, and Carlos are already there. Audrey scoots over a bit to make room for her in her usual place, smiling at her. 

“Hey. Are you feeling better?” she asks, sounding sincere. Evie shrugs slightly as she swings her other leg over the bench.

“Better, yeah. I’ll be fine soon,” she tells her, pulling the cuffs of her sweater over her knuckles. Audrey gives her a sympathetic smile. 

“Well I hope you feel totally better again soon,” she says. She takes a bite of her pulled pork, then adds, “I missed having you around.” And okay, obviously that was a nice thing to say and all, but Evie sort of feels like she’s going to start crying or smile herself into oblivion or something, both of which are definitely overreactions. Instead she just shrugs again, pulling the black fabric farther over her hands and giving a small thanks. She can see Audrey’s facial expression change out of the corner of her eye, but she’s not sure to what. 

She starts to slowly peel her banana. By the time she actually starts eating it, Doug, Chad and Jane are sitting down at the table. Everyone else, otherwise known as everyone that was just in heroism, joins them a few seconds later. Lonnie reaches across the table and squeezes Evie’s hand. Evie smiles at her, but at this point isn’t really trying to hide that she’s not feeling all that much better. 

She halfheartedly participates in snippets of the conversations, but mostly focuses on finishing her food. She only eats one pack of crackers, but other than that finishes what she grabbed. She feels both better and worse after eating. Obviously mentally worse because of the whole eating disorder, but also like she might puke on accident. On the other hand, the food definitely makes her feel less exhausted, and also seems to help with her headache. She decides that she’ll drink a little actual water before history.

Evie has to go by her room to get her history stuff before class. Mal comes with her, and they both just stay in there for about fifteen minutes, Evie lying on her bed and Mal sitting beside her. Before they leave with their stuff, Evie also grabs a plastic cup, which she fills with water on the way to class. 

She’s still sick and she stills feels pretty awful, but that doesn’t mean she’s not going to insist on walking Mal to math, because she’s sort of in love with Mal and has been asleep for the last two days. She wants to spend as much time with her as she can. Sue her.

When she gets into history, she goes straight to her usual table. Ben, Carlos, and Jay are all already at a table together, and Jay starts laughing when she sits down. She glares at him. 

“You look like you need to sleep for another two days, babe,” he grins. She glares harder and takes a sip of her water. 

The room slowly begins to fill up and grow louder. Aria walks in and takes the seat to Evie’s right. 

“You look the slightest bit better,” Aria says, eyes crinkling in sympathy. 

“Sorry.” Evie’s not at all sure why she says that, but tries to ignore it and then proceeds to lay her head on the table. 

“No need to apologize,” Aria says as she unpacks her things. A second later Evie feels a hand start rubbing her back. She lifts her head slightly to look at Aria. She thanks her quietly. She really needs to get over feeling like every singly person ever will despise her if they know she’s gay, but also what if Aria finds out she’s gay and despises her?

Evie doesn’t really get to obsess over it anymore, though, because Lonnie walks in and sits down across from her, and the teacher walks in only a few second later. Class goes by slowly, but it’s not too bad, and Evie leaves with Carlos, already more exhausted than she can really handle.

She generally enjoys magical plants, but is seriously not looking forward to doing anything that involves even the slightest bit of movement today, and it’s supposed to be a hands on day. She sits down beside Carlos when they get there, but is soon moved to her assigned partner, who happens to be Audrey. 

Evie’s lucky that Audrey’s so nice, because Audrey does most of the work today. Evie owes her big time, and is so grateful. She doesn’t hesitate to tell her this either, and by the end of the lesson Audrey has told her to stop thanking her at lest twice. 

Audrey even helps Evie collect her things and carry them back to her room, which is really more than she could possibly ask for. Evie’s not sure if Audrey actually likes her, but she really hopes she does. Now that Audrey’s not being a massive bitch, she’s one of the sweetest people Evie’s ever met. And besides, even though Audrey was meaner than she needed to be, she definitely had cause for bitchiness, especially after the whole Ben thing with Mal. That must have been pretty awful. 

Audrey comes in with her and sets what she was carrying of Evie’s things on the table. She then watches with a slight smiles on her face as Evie tries to get her shoes off her feet with as little movement as possible, and then accidentally flings one across the room. Nothing breaks, at least. 

“I’ll see you at dinner if you’re feeling okay,” Audrey tells her as she leaves. Evie makes some guttural noise of agreement, then crawls in bed, pulling the covers up to her chin and lying on her stomach.

She’s half asleep by the time she hears Mal come in about ten minutes later, but she’s pretty sure she feels Mal kiss her on the cheek. It might just be fever induced hallucinations, though.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi is anyone still reading this? If so, thanks for sticking with me and hopefully I will update more regularly (like now) since I have basically all day to sit around if I want to. 
> 
> Also, both this chapter and the last chapter have been super mundane, but hopefully it'll pick up soon? Idk. Sorry  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“Thank fuck it’s Friday,” Mal throws over her shoulder as she walks into the bathroom. Evie just shrugs. Being sick always throws everything off, and this week feels like it’s been both one of the longest and shortest ever. And she’s honestly not all that excited for the day considering she woke up just before five to do her homework. 

She combs her fingers through her hair, still slightly warm from the flat iron, then moves them to her eyelids, digging them in slightly. Pressing against her eyes hurts, sort of, but it mostly feels good, somehow relieving some of the pressure in her head. She really hopes that she can get through the day without letting on that she still feels awful, but she’s not about to place any bets on it. 

She trudges into her closet, quickly snapping her eyes shut when she turns on the light. She really needs to feel better soon; there’s no way she can deal with this for much longer. Massaging her forehead with the pads of her index and middle finger, she flicks through her clothes with her other hand before she pulls out a floral blue long sleeve skater dress. She glances behind her, double checking that she did, in fact, shut the door, and then proceeds to strip out of the clothes she’s still wearing from yesterday. She leaves them in a pile on the floor; she’ll pick them up when she doesn’t feel so awful.

Still holding the dress, she pulls open a drawer and takes out a new bra and pair of underwear, which she first tries to slip on with one hand still clutching the dress. When that doesn’t work she sighs, defeatedly sets the dress across the still open drawer, and uses two hands to get her underwear on. She pulls out a pair of black tights, too, which she bunches up and slides up her legs before she finally puts the dress on. 

Running her fingers over the row of buttons on the ends of the sleeves, she crosses the closet once again and picks up her black booties. She laces them up, crouching, and then uses her thighs to push against to get back up. She stands there, slightly slumped, for a solid two minutes before she sighs and goes back into the room. She’s so ready to go back to bed. 

So she does, sort of. She flops face first onto her bed, the last few inches of her legs and feet hanging off the end and dozes off until Mal shakes her, telling her it’s time to go to breakfast. She sighs over dramatically, but grabs her things and her dark gray peacoat nonetheless, not wanting to have to return to the room before A period. Evie doesn’t really feel like she’s going to puke anymore, just like her head may explode from the internal pressure and like she may stop breathing at any moment. That said, she is hungrier than she’s allowed herself to be in quite some time. 

She eats a whole bagel with peanut butter and hates herself for it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make her feel sort of better actual physical health wise. She still doesn’t look at Lonnie or Mal (or really anyone) the whole meal because, for one thing, she really does feel sort of awful about eating it, and also because she doesn’t want them getting the wrong idea about her eating food regularly. 

She manages to get Jay to take her dishes, and waits at the door for someone to walk to class with. That person ends up being Lonnie, which is amazingly unsurprising since they have math together. Evie does not want to go to math at all, but then again, most people don’t. Math is hard, and her teacher is boring. Nice, sure, but boring, and Evie really wishes it were just slightly more exciting. 

When they get in the classroom, Lonnie sits behind Aziz and Evie sits to her right. They have a quiz today, and even though Evie feels sort of prepared and has a good grade in the class, she’s dreading it. Concentrating while sick is not the easiest thing in the world. 

Once everyone is seated, Ms. Jones starts to go over the homework, which leaves them just over an hour for the quiz. Evie’s the third one to finish, and she leaves the room about fifteen minutes early. She decides to go ahead and make her way to chem. There isn’t a class in here A period, but she really isn’t too fond of her teacher, so she decides to sit outside to wait for class to start. 

People start showing up a little less than ten minutes later, and Evie walks in with the first few of her classmates. She sits down at an empty table, taking the middle seat. She watches students trickle in, and a few minutes later Jane bounces in and takes the seat to her right. She’s not sure how Jane is so exuberant at this hour, but then again, Jane probably isn’t sick and probably doesn’t have an eating disorder, so… Kudos to her. 

Audrey takes the seat to Evie’s left, smiling at her as she begins to take her chemistry stuff out of her bag. Evie smiles back.

“How are you feeling?” Audrey asks, opening her binder. Evie shrugs. 

“Better?” It sounds way more like a question than she meant it to, and she winces slightly. Audrey laughs lightly, and Evie smiles again. Audrey’s been being so nice to her lately, and she really hopes it’s not some sort of ruse. She doubts Audrey would do that, because, from what she has seen, Audrey seems like the kind of person who lets everyone know what she feels when she feels it. Evie, and the other isle kids, experienced that first hand at the beginning of the year, so it doesn’t make sense that she would change her tactics at this point. But, then again, Evie doesn’t really understand why she would be so nice to her. 

Evie blinks at the appearance, which seems to her to be out of thin air, of Ace, leaning on his elbows on her lab table.

“Hello, my dear,” he drawls. Evie rolls her eyes, but smiles slightly despite herself. “How are those clothes coming along?” He doesn’t sound even slightly upset or anything, but Evie still feels immediately bad for not having finished them yet. “They’re almost done, sorry. I just have finishings and stuff. I planned to get them done this week, but I got sick. Sorry,” she tells him, trying to both make eye contact and avoid his gaze. She ends up with her eyes fixed on tip of his nose. His mouth opens and she hears him laugh, but she feels slightly disconnected. 

“It’s super fine. I’m looking forward to seeing them, though.” He turns to look over his shoulder, and she realizes that class is starting. He slinks back to his seat, trying to look like he doesn’t want to be spotted. It makes her laugh, and, when he sits down, he turns around and throws her an over exaggerated wink. She can almost hear Audrey roll her eyes. 

They have a lab today, which most people would be at least sort of excited about, but Evie really doesn’t like lab days. She actually much prefers listening to lectures, largely because he’s less likely to tell her she’s fucking up. He really seems to hate her, which teachers sort of aren’t supposed to do, and, even though she wishes it didn’t affect her, it feels sort of shitty. 

But Audrey is a good lab partner, and Jane tries her best to help as much as she can, so Evie has a hard time complaining. They finish relatively quickly, and get to leave for lunch early. As happy as she is that she’s gotten out of both classes she’s had so far early, she is not looking forward to lunch. She’d been pretty willing to eat this morning, but is still full from that, and so more food really does not sound fun. Hopefully Audrey and Jane won’t notice if she doesn’t eat much (or anything) and she can pretend to finish before Lonnie or Mal sits down. 

It’s chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, which is so fucking good, but is also something Evie’s not sure she’ll ever really be able to eat. She heads straight for the salad bar and leaves with nothing but raw spinach on a plate. She fills a glass with water and walks to the table. She’s the first one there, which makes her sort of anxious, but she’d been expecting it, and she knows Audrey and Jane will be here soon. 

She makes use of the time she has alone at the table and places a few paper napkins on her lap, ready to fill them with food. Jane gets there next, and Evie starts pretending to eat. Jane doesn’t notice anything, and Audrey doesn’t seem to either when she sits down. 

After a little more than five minutes, however, more people start to come into the dining hall and she feels a tap on her leg. She looks up, giving Audrey a questioning glance. In response, Audrey glares at her just slightly and taps at the edge of the napkins in Evie’s lap. Evie knows her face burns, and she quickly looks down. It’s an overreaction, obviously, but she feels like crying because she really does not want to eat anything. And, also, Audrey definitely knows now, which Evie was not counting on. She’s sort of a little bit absolutely mortified, but mostly just defeated. 

Audrey takes two chicken nuggets off her own plate and puts them on Evie’s. This is not something Evie wants to eat, and Audrey definitely knows that. They have sort of a mini stare off, which Evie thinks Jane might have picked up on, before Evie caves, her shoulders sagging slightly as she takes a tiny bite of one of the nuggets. Audrey smiles, more apologetic than triumphant, and Evie takes another small bite. Chad and Doug have already joined them by the time she finishes the first nugget, and the thought of more people seeing her eating this make her want to cry even more, and so she shoves the second chicken nugget into her mouth, only chewing for a couple of seconds before she swallows. 

Audrey looks both amused and sympathetic. 

Ben sits down next, greeting everyone at the table with a regal nod of his head, and everyone else joins them less than a minute later. Lonnie sets her plate down in front of her and looks at Evie, who doesn’t really notice, more than a little bit distracted by the feeling of Mal’s leg pressed against hers. 

“Did you already eat?” Lonnie asks Evie, who looks up, noticing the fake nonchalance in Lonnie’s expression. Evie nods. 

“We got out early,” Audrey explains. “Fastest lab partners ever,” she adds, holding her hands up for high fives from both Evie and Jane. As Evie hits her hand, she notices her giving a slight nod to Lonnie, and wonders if her eating is something they’ve discussed. It’s not that she’d be mad if it was, but it does make her sort of uncomfortable to think that Lonnie might have told someone. 

It is, of course, just as likely that Audrey figured it out on her own and brought it up to her roommate, or even that they’d never talked about, just both realized that the other knew. It doesn’t really matter in the end, though, because the bottom line is that another person whose opinion Evie values knows how fucked up she is.

Evie decides to head back to her room to take a nap before English. She has almost an hour, and knows she looks at least half as exhausted as she feels. When she gets back to the dorm, she slips off her shoes and jacket and immediately sets the alarm for 12:20. She crawls in bed and piles the covers over herself, but can’t stop thinking about the food in her stomach. She doesn’t try all that hard to stop herself when she pushes the blankets off and swings her legs over the side. She walks into the bathroom and shuts the door, locking it even though there’s little chance of Mal returning within the next few minutes. 

She pulls a hair tie off her wrist and combs her hair into a loose bun, then down tucks the hem of her dress into her tights. She looks ridiculous, and she can’t help but laugh a little at her reflection. She runs her right hand under the faucet and fills the cup beside the sink with cool water, which she then quickly downs. She moves to the toilet and bends over, using her left hand to push against her stomach. 

Mostly water comes up, but also a little bit of food, and it makes her feel slightly better. She also knows that actually purging will make her throat hurt so much more, and she can’t really deal with that, so she flushes the toilet, rinses her face and mouth, and leaves the bathroom to get back in bed. 

She ends up getting at least half an hour of sleep, and feels a little better, if groggy, when she leaves her room for English. She loves English, at least. It’s not her favorite subject, but Ms. Cain is great, and Evie really likes her. 

She sits in the middle of the table facing the door, and Lonnie, who gets to class just a few seconds after her, sits beside her. Quentin, Ace’s friend who was already sitting down when Evie walked in, nods at her from across the room. She smiles back. Aria sits down on Evie’s other side, with a girl Evie doesn’t recognize next to her. 

The discussion goes well, and Evie thinks she does a very good job based on how Ms. Cain lit up at something she’d said. She’s still pretty glad when class is over, though, because she only has heroism before she can go the fuck to bed. 

She sits by Ben and Carlos in heroism, and Carlos rams his leg into hers near the end of the class to keep her from falling asleep. She jolts back up, rubbing at her eyes and barely refraining from groaning when she pulls her hand away with dark smudges on the heel of her thumb. 

She can hear Carlos laughing at her as she stumbles turning the corner to the girls’ dorms, but doesn’t have the energy or heart to flip him off or call him out in any way. She fumbles to open the door, and immediately kicks off her shoes when she gets inside. She didn’t realize she was so tired until the end of English, and she’s not even sure how it happened. But, regardless of why she is so fucking exhausted, she can now go to bed. She pads to her bed, shrugging out of her coat on the way.

Her dress, she knows, isn’t going to be very comfortable, and neither is her bra, so she decides to just take those off, too, not really thinking about how she shares a room with the girl she’s in love with. She clambers into her bed, snuggling under the covers, and falls asleep almost immediately.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THANKS SO MUCH (again) TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTS OR LEAVES KUDOS IT'S SO NICE AND YOU'RE THE BEST AND IT MAKES MY DAY
> 
> Also I think there's probably gonna be like 16-20 chapters in this, so not that much more. Idk, but I can't really imagine it being much longer than 20.

Evie wakes up about five hours later really needing to pee. Her head still feels like it’s going to explode (and so does her bladder), but it hurts less, at least. She slips out of bed, shivering at the cool air because, for some reason, she isn’t wearing a fucking shirt. And, for some reason, she doesn’t stop to grab one on her way to the bathroom. And honestly, she should have, because it’s at least two degrees colder in there.

She’s on her way back to her bed, the light from the bathroom shining onto the dark carpet in a long triangle, when the door to the bedroom flies open and Mal comes in, looking behind her. Evie freezes for a second, because _of course_ this is happening, and then Mal turns towards her. Evie’s hands fly up, probably on their own accord since her mind is literally completely fucking blank, to cover her exposed chest as Mal’s eyes widen slightly.

Mal quickly turns around, running a hand through her hair, and Evie stands there frozen for at least another two seconds before leaping the last few feet into bed. Mal is still facing the door by the time Evie gets herself completely and totally under the covers. After a moment she hears Mal take a deep breath, then clear her throat. Evie can’t really see her because of all the blankets but she knows she’s walking to her closet.

Once Evie’s sure Mal’s at least not in the actual room, she smacks herself in the forehead, swearing softly.

The worst part, Evie thinks, is that it really shouldn’t be awkward. Mal’s seen Evie naked before, and Evie’s seen Mal naked before. Not in at least four years, sure, but still. There is, obviously the whole factor of Evie seriously _despising_ herself. And Evie’s gay, which may be the problem, but doesn’t make much sense considering that, for one thing, Evie was the one not wearing a shirt, and also that Mal said she was not straight either, and she said she was totally fine with everything about Evie. Which clearly could have been a lie, but Evie sort of doubts Mal would say anything she didn’t mean if not completely necessary.

Evie’s still wide awake and mortified when Mal crosses the room to the bathroom a few minutes later. Only after Evie hears the shower start and is positive Mal had gotten in does she leave her bed again to dash to her closet. She grabs a black sports bra, which she pulls on while scanning for a shirt. She’s colder than she originally thought, actually, and so she grabs Mal’s too big green sweatshirt and slips her arms into it as she walks back to bed.

She stops just a few feet before she can lie down again and tugs the hem down, then climbs back up amongst the blankets. She realizes now that she’s still wearing her tights, and that she probably should have gotten a different pair of pajama bottoms, because this is a little bit of a weird look. It doesn’t matter much, though, because she’s not planning to get up until at least late tomorrow morning, and she can worry about it then.

Despite her best efforts she wakes up a couple of hours later, significantly warmer than when she fell asleep. Mal is still up, reading in her bed and illuminated by the soft glow of the lamp on her bedside table. She looks up, pushing her hair out of her face with one hand, when she hears Evie trashing around to try to get the blankets off her. She smiles, and Evie glares, getting much more frustrated than she would like to admit about this whole blanket situation.

Mal gets up, then, and crosses the room, giggling at Evie’s anguish.

“Jeez, E, calm down,” she laughs, helping to move the covers off of Evie who, for some unknown reason, hadn’t thought to use her hands.

Mals fingers stutter, stilling momentarily with Evie’s comforter clutched between them, then pick up motion again.

“You’re wearing my sweatshirt,” she notes, and if Evie were more awake and less distressed, she would realize her voice was just the tiniest bit higher than usual.

“Sorry,” Evie mumbles, already a good portion of the way to unconsciousness. “You can have it back if you want.” Mal has to strain to hear her, and by the time she realizes what she said Evie is fumbling with the hem, trying to pull it up over her head. Mal makes a strange choking noise and coughs to cover it up.

“No, that’s okay,” Mal tells her, coughing again. Evie, having barely succeeded in getting the sweatshirt above her bellybutton, stops moving.

“Good,” she whispers. It takes Mal a second to figure out that she’s asleep. She laughs softly, running a hand, perhaps somewhat violently, through her hair.

Thankfully, Evie doesn’t wake up again until almost eleven the next morning. Which also means she misses breakfast. She makes at least a bit of an effort to not feel excited about that.

She does, also, finally feel a great deal better. Her head hurts a little, but it’s completely bearable, and her sore throat is more of an annoying itch. She only feels as nauseous as she ever does, and she can breath through at least one nostril. So, all in all, a big win.

Evie yawns loudly, and Mal sticks her head out from her closet, buttoning her pants.

“How are you feeling?” she asks, attention focused primarily on her pants at this point.

“Much better,” Evie says. Mal smiles.

“Good. I’m glad. I’m going over to Jane’s house in like…” (She squints at the clock on Evie’s bedside table.) “Six minutes to work on our Latin and ancient spells presentation. It shouldn’t take more than a few hours, but I’ll probably just eat lunch over there. Just by the way.” Evie nods and Mal disappears back into her closet, emerging a moment later wearing a dark green cable knit sweater over her black skinny jeans and white t shirt. She sits down on the edge of her bed, lacing her feet into the brown heeled boots she was holding, then gets up and starts gathering her stuff together from the table.

She dashes into the bathroom before she leaves, double checking her makeup and running a brush through her hair, then grabs her bag and jacket and heads out the door. Evie can hear her say something along the lines of goodbye right before the heavy wooden door collides with the frame.

Evie stays in bed for about five more minutes before heaving herself up. She walks over to the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her.

She puts on (relatively) light makeup and leaves her hair mostly the way it was when she woke up, just less tangled. She peels off her tights and switches them out for a pair of (much more opaque) black leggings, but keeps the sweatshirt on.

She knows she needs to work on what she’s supposed to be making for Ace, and it’s really not that she doesn’t want to, she just is really in the mood to hang out with, well, anyone. She’s been sick the past week or so, and seriously freaking out before that. She’s mostly over the freaking out, though. Either she’ll have to eat like a real person, or she’ll learn to hide it better. It’s really that simple.

If she works on the clothes, with which she’s almost done, for one hour, then she can go see if someone wants to watch a movie or something. That works. She pulls everything out that she needs, sets up on the table, and starts to work.

After a little more than an hour she is for real so close to being done. She really needs to fit them on Ace before she can do any more, so she decides that she’ll leave all her shit out and hope that she can get him to come by some time this weekend.

She pushes back her chair and gets up, slips on a pair of shoes, then leaves the room. She makes her way to the dining hall, knowing it’s still early and that it may not even be open yet. It is, though, and Jay and Carlos are already eating. She goes through the serving area and grabs a plate and a piece of bread, which she folds into half of a peanut butter sandwich. She joins them at the table.

She eats none of her food, and neither of them seems to notice. Their other friends are just starting to arrive by the time they’re leaving. She decides to head to her room and put some of her stuff away before she goes to hang out with Jay and Carlos, mostly because she’s probably been bugging Lonnie and Audrey way too much lately.

After she at least organizes some of the garments and sewing shit she left lying around, she leaves her room, locking the door behind her. The hallways are surprisingly quiet, and she feels uneasy despite herself until she gets to their room. She knocks on the door, turning the knob after she hears a muffled invitation in.

Jay’s on the couch with a controller resting on his thigh, pulling his hair up into a bun. He grins at her, waving an elbow slightly in greeting. Carlos is beside him, staring at the paused screen and looking frustrated and confused.

“Hey do you wanna take Carlos’s place?” Jay asks. “He still sucks.” Jay directs this last part at Carlos, but looks back in time to see Evie raise one eyebrow, questioning his choice of words. Jay starts to laugh, and Carlos turns pink, spluttering.

“But yeah, sure,” Evie tells him, slipping off her shoes and crossing the room. Carlos scoots over slightly, and Evie pushes against Jay to get him to move. He finally obliges and she sits down, slightly squished on both sides.

She wins. Barely, but she wins. Jay looks fake pissed and Carlos looks partially-fake ecstatic. Evie asks is he wants to play again, but Jay shakes his head.  
  
“I’d rather watch a movie or something if that’s cool with you.” Evie nods her consent, and Carlos agrees, too. Evie and Mal literally never use the television in their room. She’s not really sure why, but it just hasn’t seemed like a good thing to do before. She should probably change that, because then they can invite people over instead of always bursting into their rooms and sitting on their couches.

They decide on some really dumb looking movie that none of them have seen that came out a few years ago. Carlos grabs his math homework to do while they watch and, as much as Evie wants to make fun of him for it, she probably would have done the same if she had her stuff with her. Homework sucks and is better if you only sort of do it while doing something else that doesn’t suck.

Ben knocks on the door about halfway through the second movie, and sits on the floor at Carlo’s feet despite Carlos insisting that there’s room on the couch. There’s really not, but it was very clear that one of them would be sitting on the other’s lap.

Evie stays in Jay and Carlos’s room after the movie is finished, using Carlos’s book to work on her history homework. It takes her close to an hour to finish, and by that time it’s almost five. She sighs dramatically, tossing Carlos’s book onto his bed.  
  
“Hey! If you break that book you have to buy me a new one,” he threatens. Evie rolls her eyes.

“I’m sort of broke right now. Maybe you could just get one since you have money and I’ll pay you back?” she teases. Jay laughs from the couch; he hasn’t really moved all afternoon except to go to the bathroom around three.

“Oh my god when is dinner?” Jay groans, still in the corner of the couch. Evie sees Carlos roll his eyes, but he checks his watch anyway.

“Forty minutes. Well, slightly less, actually, but about forty,” he says, barely looking up from his homework. Ben, sprawled across all of the bed Carlos isn’t using, sighs, pushing himself up onto his elbows.

“I should probably go,” he sighs. “I told my mom I’d call before dinner,” he explains as he slides off the bed and begins to pull on his dress shoes. Carlos pouts dramatically, but doesn’t protest.

“See you at dinner!” Jay calls without looking away from the tv screen as Ben shuts the door behind him, light gray blazer thrown over his arm. The only sounds for the next half hour are breathes of confusion and frustration at either homework or video games.

After a while of almost silence, Carlos shuts the book he had open more loudly than necessary, making both Evie and himself jump. It takes a second, but then both of them begin giggling slightly. Once they’ve calmed down Carlos tells Evie and Jay that dinner will be open any minute, so they wait for Jay to get to a stopping point and then leave the room together and head to the dining hall.

Evie’s very much over her whole bagel eating stint from yesterday morning, and does not want to eat dinner. When they walk into the dining hall, however, Lonnie and Aurdey and Doug and Chad are all already at the table. Lonnie’s not gonna let her get away with that today, and Mal will probably be here soon, anyway. And, as an added bonus, Audrey obviously knows too, now, so that’s super awesome and exactly what Evie wanted.

Very unwillingly, she follows Carlos and Jay into the serving area, walking back out with a plate of white rice. Which, actually, is probably a terrible choice, because it’s sort of flavorless. Not in a bad way at all, it’s just sort of like eating something just so it will fill you up, which rice also will definitely do. So, all in all, not the best choice, but she’d probably rather eat this than fried pieces of chicken with goopy sauce and fatty noodles.

She also grabs a cup, but only fills it about half way with water so that she doesn’t drink too much. Her throat is just feeling better and she is definitely not in the mood to throw up tonight, which she very well might do if she drinks too much water. Or any liquid, really.

Lonnie is (thankfully) involved in what seems to be a heated discussion about the pros and cons of different types of fish to keep as pets, and though Evie is confused, she is also relieved. Lonnie doesn’t pay as much attention to her eating as she tends to, and Evie eats enough and manages to squeeze enough into rice balls and hide in her lap for Lonnie not to notice much.

Mal, Jane, and Ben all join them when Evie is pretending to be about halfway done with her rice.

“How was Jane’s?” Evie asks, trying to keep her voice on the quieter side so as to not distract from the fish argument, which is really turning out to be both amusing and harsh. Mal shrugs, her mouth still full of chicken. She chews for another few seconds, then swallows, and Evie doesn’t even mind watching her eat.

“It was fine. We’re like ninety-seven percent done, and we can totally finish the rest on our own. So it was successful, at least,” she tells her, then takes another bite of chicken. “And it was cool to have like, not dining hall food for lunch,” she adds after swallowing. Evie nods, even though she would rather have no food than either of those two options, but that is completely beside the point.

After they eat (or, in Evie’s case, eat a tiny bit and hide balls of rice in the pocket of Mal’s sweatshirt, which she actually does feel a little bad about), they split up into guys and girls. Because apparently, sometime during the whole fish shebang, they’d decided to have a girls night and, by extension, a guys night. Evie’s not sure how she missed this decision.

Unless it was when she was staring at Mal. That would explain it.

Evie and Mal hurry into their room having been sent to bring blankets and pillows. Evie grabs three pillows, her comforter, and another blanket off her bed and Mal grabs at least as much. They leave the room with minor complications and manage to get the door shut behind them.

It’s sort of an adventure to find their way back to Lonnie and Audrey’s room because they can’t see anything in front of them that’s below about four feet high, but it’s fun. Evie almost falls twice, and Mal only once, which she teases her about for the remainder of the walk.

It’s takes them longer than it probably should have because of the teasing and giggling and tripping, but eventually they get to the door. Neither of them have a hand to knock, so Mal sort of just slams her body into the wood. She can hear Audrey’s muffled voice say, “what the fuck?” from inside the room, and then Lonnie opens the door to let them in.

Apparently they’d invited Aria and her roommate, too. Evie doesn’t remember the other girl’s name, and sort of hates herself for it because she knows they’re in at least the same English class. But, then again, Evie is just generally awful at names.

They pile blankets and pillows up, making what could be described as a deconstructed blanket fort. Evie ends up in the corner of the couch with Lonnie squished beside her and Mal at her feet. Aria is in the armchair a few feet away from Evie, and Audrey’s on Lonnie’s other side with Aria’s roommate beside her.

They watch a super dumb and cheesy but really unbearably cute movie first, and Evie only sort of pays attention. She’s been playing with Mal’s hair for the majority of the movie, and she’s pretty sure Lonnie’s watching her. Mal seems to like it, though, and Evie likes physical contact with Mal in any way, shape, or form, so she doesn’t stop.

They go straight to the next movie, which is decidedly less cute and more gory, only waiting for Lonnie to quickly go pee. Evie has never actually seen a horror film, and apparently scares very easily. She spends the first half hour or so of the movie trying not to look too freaked out by what she knows is only the tip of the ice burg, but eventually ends up clenching her fists with her eyes squeezed shut for a solid two minutes.

She feels a squeeze on her shoulder, and then Lonnie’s arm around her, pulling her into her side. It actually helps, somewhat, because it’s easier to remember that this is obviously not going to actually happen. (Hopefully.)

Evie’s tired, and still terrified, by the end of the scary movie, and she realizes that she has spent the day watching four different films, which is honestly a bit excessive. They have time to watch another since there’s still more than an hour and a half till lights out, but instead Audrey puts on some funny tv show, which requires much less commitment and attention than another movie would. Plus it’s hilarious, which Evie definitely likes.

By the time they’ve watched three episodes they don’t have much time to dissemble the blanket nest and head back to their respective rooms. A few minutes later Evie and Mal start down the hall, laden with blankets and pillows once more.

Evie doesn’t realize how tired she is until they get back to their room. She’s feeling much better, but she’s still not _better_ better, and she’s still not generally healthy anyway. Her bed is completely unmade, and Evie thinks that it might be more comfortable to sleep on the floor. So she does. The clothes she’s in are fine for sleeping, so it doesn’t even matter if she doesn’t change.

She starts to arrange her pillows and her two blankets. She’s in the process of lying down and getting situated when Mal comes out of her closet looking mostly ready for bed. She stops in her tracks, looking at Evie like she’s gone slightly insane.

“Evie?”

“Yeah?” Evie responds, now mostly comfortable in her makeshift floor bed.

“What are you doing?” Mal asks, sounding both concerned and bewildered.

“I’m going to bed.” Mal doesn’t say anything in response, still waiting for further explanation.

“I’m tired and I didn’t want to fix my bed,” Evie mumbles, getting closer and closer to sleep every second. Mal shrugs.

A minute later she feels something being played down beside her, and then she’s being pushed slightly out of the way. She opens her eyes to see Mal arranging her own blankets and pillows, merging Evie’s stuff with her own. Mal lays down beside Evie when she finishes.

They both fall asleep rather quickly. It’s sort of cold on the floor (hot air does rise, after all), but they have five blankets between the two of them, and they’re pressed together. For warmth, obviously.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I literally never know what's going to happen, by the way. If it seems random and forced, it is.  
> 2\. Sofia Carson looks like she should be in Fifth Harmony.  
> 3\. You really don't have five part harmony like, ever, because you'd need a soprano and an alto and a tenor and a bass and then like either a baritone or I guess a second soprano?? It's sort of just not a thing. And it's especially not a thing if you're all girls. That's like four parts absolute tops.
> 
> Also I would actually very much appreciate people pointing out mistakes they see, cause I often don't go back and read this for sort of a while and there are definitely mistakes.

Neither Mal nor Evie really leave the room on Sunday except for meals, which Evie doesn’t even do willingly. She manages to convince Mal to let her not go to breakfast, but Mal does insist on bringing her back an apple. Evie’s not too psyched about that, but at least she doesn’t have to really get dressed.

After Evie eats her apple, she stands up, ready to get dressed, and runs a hand through her hair, which is apparently disgustingly dirty. She pulls at it, shaping the front into something that sticks off her head.

“I need to take a shower,” she mutters.

“Hmm?” Mal’s looking at her from her spot where she’s perched near the end of her bed.

“I just said I need to take a shower. I can make my hair stand up,” she laughs, demonstrating by pulling a portion up. A good six inches of it stands up before it folds over, falling into some sort of strange high fashion outdated look. Mal rolls her eyes, but still smiles.

“Have fun,” she tells her, a sarcastic edge in her voice. She’s already looking back to her book. Evie stops by her closet to grab a pair of black leggings and her big white shirt.

She hasn’t showered in a few days, which is sort of disgusting, but she is now, and it feels really nice. It feels especially nice to wash her oily hair, and she is in a generally much better mood when she’s done. When she gets out, she wraps a towel around her body and and twists another around her head. She scrubs the last bits of residual makeup off as she dries off.

She puts on her clothes when she’s done, and unwinds the towel from her head, then brushes out her damp hair. She applies half assed eye makeup with only concealer on the rest of her face and calls it a day after piling her dark hair into a bun on her head.

When she walks out of the bathroom Mal tells her that it’s almost time for lunch. Evie groans, and Mal gives her a somewhat aggravated, mostly sympathetic look. Evie slides her arms into her black coat and pulls her black booties, which she leaves unlaced, while Mal finishes the page she was reading and slipping on a pair of shoes. She grabs her jacket on the way out the door and finishes zipping it up while Evie closes the door behind them.

It’s hotdogs and chicken and rice for lunch, and so Evie grabs two small pieces of chicken and some rice while Mal puts two buns and two hotdogs separately on her plate. Evie fills a glass with apple juice while Mal loads rice onto her plate, and then hands Mal a cup when she comes over.

Evie and Mal walk to the table together and sit down. Everyone but Jane and Doug are already there, and Lonnie and Mal both seem to be watching her more than usual today. And Audrey actually seems to be paying a good bit of attention, too. Despite how much she hates it, Evie eats her food at what would be considered a normal pace.

She passes Ace sitting at a table with his friends as she’s taking her plate, and stops to ask if he’ll come by her room at some point this afternoon for a fitting. He agrees, and tells her he’ll be by probably around two or three.

Because of the conversational detour, Evie gets back to the room after Mal. On a totally unrelated note, she wants to throw up probably more than anything in the world. Mal’s in her bed again, reading a different book for a different class, and Evie’s like ninety percent sure she’s not paying attention. Her stomach hurts in that weird way that makes her want to do nothing but empty it, and she wants to stop being awake, or alive, maybe, so she decides that sitting down right where she is is obviously the best option.

It was really all going moderately well until she starts fucking crying like a pathetic baby. And even then it’s not the worst thing, because she’s able to stay mostly quiet, or at least quiet enough to not attract the attention of Mal. Except then she breathes in wrong and starts sort of choking, which makes her start to both cry harder and laugh, and it’s overall a huge mess. Mal looks up then, alarmed, and almost falls out of her bed in her haste to get to Evie.

“Hey, hey, babe. What’s wrong?” Mal asks soothingly. Evie shakes her head, still crying and laughing and choking slightly, and she can’t tell if Mal thinks that means she’s alright or not. (She can’t tell if it means she’s alright or not, but that’s beside the point.)

“I’m okay,” she manages to choke out after almost a minute of Mal rubbing her back. “Sorry. I just- Shit. I’m sorry.” She pulls away just slightly so that less of Mal will be touching her. Or really so that less of her will be touching Mal. She wipes the backs of her hands across her eyes knowing that her makeup is already ruined at this point.

Mal looks really worried and a little bit scared, and Evie feels so awful for that. She’s still crying harder than she wants to be, though, and so she focuses on calming herself down. She finally manages to almost completely stop crying and mostly stop laughing, and glances at Mal out of the corner of her eye before looking back to her lap.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “That got way out of control,” she adds, laughing slightly.

“Yeah it did. What happened?” Mal asks, scooting just the tiniest bit closer. Evie shrugs.  
  
“I just felt like… Um, not good, and I started crying because I suck, and then I started choking which was funny, so I started laughing, except I was still crying and stuff so it didn’t go well,” she explains, still too embarrassed to look Mal in the eye.

“Right, yeah. Of course,” Mal nods. Evie rolls her eyes, and even though she’s not looking at Mal she knows Mal can tell. When Evie does glance up, Mal’s in the process of grinning but trying to look concerned, her lips slightly pursed together and wiggling, possibly on their own accord up into a smile. Evie stares at her for a moment before Mal notices.

When she does notice Evie watching her, she finally manages to put on a serious expression, her mouth puckering slightly at the edges from the effort. Neither of them move for a few more seconds, and then Evie starts laughing, without crying, this time. Evie laughing sets Mal off, and it takes the two of them more than a minute to calm down.

“I need to fix my makeup,” Evie says, scooting backwards a foot or so to lean against the side of her bed.

“Really? I think it’s a very good look for you,” Mal tells her, face scrunched into an exaggerated expression of confused disagreement. “Raccoon couture,” she adds. Evie rolls her eyes again, swatting Mal’s arm.

“I need to get up,” Evie says a few seconds later, then proceeds to sit on the floor. Mal nods. Evie sighs.

Evie knows that she should get off the floor, or at least that she needs to, but instead she pushes her back more into the bed frame and leans to the side, resting her head on Mal’s shoulder. Mal’s sitting very still, but her fingers still start combing absentmindedly through Evie’s hair. They sit like that for a few minutes, neither one of them wanting to move.

“Do you know what time it is?” Evie finally asks. Mal nods slightly.

“Yep.” Evie waits for her to continue, and, when she doesn’t, she lifts her head and looks Mal straight in her eyes.

“You’re a bitch and I hate you.” She then sighs over dramatically, drowning out Mal’s offended gasp, and pushes herself up off the ground. She checks the clock on her bedside table as she smooths out her leggings and pulling at the hem of her shirt. She walks to the bathroom, ignoring Mal’s under-the-breathe tirade about how hurt and betrayed she is.

By the time she’s done fixing her makeup, it’s close to two, so she decides to go ahead and get out what she’ll need Ace to try on. So pretty much everything she’s made. Mal gives her a funny look when she gets everything out but doesn’t start to work, and it takes Evie a minute to figure out why.

“Ace is coming by soon. Sorry,” she explains.

“Okay. Sorry,” Mal responds, raising a challenging eyebrow.

“Well that was just rude.” She laughs anyway, and sits down on the other side of the table to work on homework.

It’s about an hour later when someone knocks on the door. Mal’s back in her bed, so Evie gets up to answer it.

“Hey,” Ace grins. “I brought a plus one.” He motions to Maddie and Quentin behind him, both of whom grin and wave.

“And what a very realistic singular person they are,” Evie says as she opens the door wider to let them in. Mal looks up, and waves from her bed. All four of them wave back, and Evie sees Mal smile as she looks back down.

After almost an hour of fitting, Ace looks slightly fed up but pleased, and Maddie and Quentin both seem impressed. It was actually fun having the two of them here, as they’d been offering a sort of sports show commentary to the whole event, including details and backstories about each garment. Mal had probably gotten through about half as much work as she otherwise would have, but that’s not Evie’s problem. And besides, Evie got done what she needed to and will have everything finished for him by Wednesday at the latest, so she’s gonna call it a win.

Only a few minutes after Ace, Maddie, and Quentin leave there’s another knock on the door. Evie gets up to answer this one as well, but before she can even open the door Carlos starts yelling from the other side.

“I am being timed on my message delivery please open the door!” he calls. Evie glances at Mal, who seems just as confused, but hurries to open the door quickly.

“Hi,” he starts, beginning what seems to be a rehearsed spiel. We’re having a chill hang out,” (At this point he strikes a pose.) “And since we’ve never hung out in your room we’re gonna be in here. A bunch of people will be over shortly. Thanks.” He then turns on his heel and starts to run furiously back to his room.

“Um.” Evie shuts the door slowly, turning to Mal. “Love the planning techniques of our friends?” Mal laughs and agrees.

“I don’t even know how to work the tv,” she admits. Evie shrugs.

“Guess we’ll figure it out.” She starts to pick up the few things scattered on their floor, then moves to straighten out her sheets and blankets. Mal groans quietly, but then gets out of her bed and starts to do the same.

It’s less than ten minutes later when Jay comes bursting in without knocking, Carlos and Ben in tow. Carlos is, in turn, pulling Lonnie through the door by her sleeve. She looks equal parts annoyed and amused. Less than a minute after Jay’s initial (and dramatic) entrance, Evie and Mal have a total of twelve people in their room: their table at lunch plus Aria and a guy wearing a very pale gray beanie who looks striking similar to Aria’s roommate. Like, uncannily so. Evie can’t help but stare, because honestly it’s sort of ridiculous how the same he looks.

They sort of spread out across the room, and someone turns the tv on (not Mal or Evie, obviously), but the noise from it is mostly drowned out by conversations. Evie’s been talking with Lonnie and Aria for a few minutes when the guy in the beanie joins them. Lonnie seems to sense Evie’s confusion about who the hell this guy is and pauses the conversation to introduce him.

“This is Ty. He’s Aria’s roommate. I know you’ve met him as Tia, and he’s in our English class, but since you suck with names and honestly the general identities of other people… Evie, Ty. Ty, Evie,” Evie blushes slightly, but shakes hands with Ty anyway, very grateful that she isn’t going fucking crazy and that Ty does, in fact, look very very much like Tia. And also, as a bonus, she knows the name(s) of Aria’s roommate now.

But honestly, it’s pretty amazing how different Ty does look with just no boobs (How did he do that, actually? Because Evie’s pretty sure his boobs are bigger than hers, so kudos, definitely.), different clothes, and a hat. She does feel generally bad about never knowing who anyone is, though.

“If it makes you feel better I referred to Aria as Ariana/Aria/Ariel in my head for a while?” she offers. The three of them laugh at this, but Aria especially.

They all stay in Evie and Mal’s room until it’s time for dinner, which turns out to be hamburgers, one of Evie’s most favorite things to eat in the whole wide world. Yay. Aria and Ty sort of sit with the rest of them, but it’s almost more like they’ve moved their usual table of people right next to Evie’s usual table of people. Aria’s sitting beside Doug, and so Evie has a pretty good view of Aria having a pretty good view of Evie eating. She seems to be paying more attention than a normal person would, which means that if she doesn’t already know, she suspects, and Evie’s getting a little fed up with everyone knowing. She just wants to be miserable in peace.

She got a hamburger and fries, because that’s what literally everyone else got, and she doesn’t even really _like_ hamburgers, or meat even. Like apart from the whole eating disorder thing, she’s just not a huge fan. And burgers are hard to eat, at least for her, and she does not want to do this.

She does, though, sort of. She eats a little over half her burger and a few fries and it sucks. And she needs to throw up. Or feels like she needs to or whatever. There’s just too much gross food inside her and it needs to get out, but she knows that that isn’t going to _fucking happen_ because apparently _literally everyone knows how messed up she is_. She starts to violently shake her leg without really noticing, but a few seconds later she feels a hand come to rest lightly on her right thigh. She stops moving almost completely, then she feels Audrey move her hand, blindly searching for Evie’s own.

When she finds it, she wraps her fingers around Evie’s and squeezes comfortingly. Evie goes back to jiggling her leg, and Audrey doesn’t stop her this time, but she doesn’t move her hand either.

Evie and Mal walk in silence back to their room. Evie sighs when the door shuts behind them, running one hand through her hair with the other clenched in a tight fist at her side.

“You okay?” Mal asks, obviously trying to sound less concerned the she is. Evie sighs again.

“Yeah. I’m just gonna take a shower,” she tells her, beginning to move towards the bathroom.

“Are you, uh… I just… Do you maybe want to wait a while?” Mal asks feebly. Evie stops, pausing for a moment before she realizes what Mal is thinking.

“I’m not gonna throw up, Mal,” she says, trying to keep any hurt out of her voice. (That she was seriously considering at least trying to throw up some is totally irrelevant.)

“No! No I’m not saying you are, I just… I know it’s hard, and like, I just, I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just worry, and like if I could just like know for super sure or something that you weren’t doing that… I don’t know. Sorry though,” she tries to explain.

“What, do you want to come shower with me?” Evie asks, voice slightly mocking and slightly aggravated. The room is silent for just a moment, and then Mal turns red and coughs slightly. Evie winces, realizing what she just said, and pinches herself on the arm.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean like… Sorry,” she whispers. Mal waves her hand in dismissal, face still more than pink. They stand there for a minute, then Evie starts for the bathroom again, slightly rushed this time.

“I’ll crack the door,” she tells her, then regrets it slightly because that means that she’s gonna be naked and Mal’s gonna be not even a room away, really. Evie shuts the door most of the way behind her, then leans agains the counter. She really needs to stop doing things like this or she’ll never get over Mal. Though, honestly, it’s not really looking like she’s going to get over Mal anyway. It’s still embarrassing, though, and it’s not like she wants Mal to _know_ that she’s like, a little in love with her, so she definitely needs to cut it the fuck out.

She combs her fingers through her hair with more force than necessary, then moves to turn on the shower.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow this a mess. Like seriously I'm not even sure what I wrote. Oh well.
> 
> Also, just btw since I've gotten multiple comments asking if I'm gonna do multiple other people's POV: Sorry but I'm not gonna do a chapter from anyone else's point of view because I haven't done that yet and I think it would be sort of formatively strange. Also this story is almost over so... SORRY!!! Love you!
> 
> Hope this isn't too awful. I literally have no idea what it says. I need to go to sleep.

The next week goes by very uneventfully. They only have a few weeks left until midterms (and then winter break), and Evie’s pretty stressed about both of them. Obviously exam stress is completely normal, especially since she hasn’t really done this before. She feels at least somewhat confident in most of her classes, though, so she doesn’t see how she can do all that poorly. History is probably her worst, and even that is really not bad, so it will probably be fine.

That doesn’t mean she’s not going to worry, though.

All four of the Isle kids seem to be religiously avoiding the topic of winter break. None of them have any idea what’s going to happen or where they’re going to go. Evie doesn’t understand how they could send them back to the Isle, and if they did, how they could get them back out. Evie knows if she goes back now (well ever, really, but now especially), her mother will not let her leave again. She doesn’t even want to think about what would happen.

She knows that the others must be thinking the same thing. Carlos especially, probably. She’s pretty sure Jay could trick his father, and Mal is smart enough and brave enough and strong enough to stand up to her mother for at least a while. (Plus Evie knows that Maleficent is weak and run down and does value her daughter more than many other parents there.) Carlos, though… His mother is brutal. Evie _really_ doesn’t want to think about what would happen.

Probably the most exciting thing that happened the past few days was Evie finishing the clothes for Ace. It was sort of a weird situation generally, but it ended well, and they look great on him, so Evie’s happy. She’s seen him in nothing else since Tuesday, so it really is pretty great. She knows the whole thing must have been pretty awkward, but he’s been great about it, and they’re friends now, so, win win.

Evie threw up some of her lunch on Monday, and she knows that Lonnie knows, even though she hasn’t said anything. There’s also a great possibility that Audrey and Mal know, too, because the three of them have been more diligent about her eating and not being alone after meals. Even Aria seems somewhat involved. And Evie _hates_ that they feel like this is their responsibility or something, but she also _really_ hates that she can hold more food in her stomach now without feeling physically completely awful.

She hasn’t really mentioned this to anyone, and she’s pretty sure she should, because they’ve all said that she can talk to them about anything yada yada yada, but it’s just… She doesn’t want to bother them, obviously, but it’s also a dumb thing to be upset about. More than that, though, it’s her thing. Like, they don’t know how she feels about this; she’s the _only one_ who knows how she feels about this. And it’s unreasonable, she knows, but she doesn’t want to tell them because then it won’t be just hers anymore. They’d also probably think it was a dumb thing to be upset about.

Whatever the reason, though, Evie hasn’t thrown up since Monday afternoon and has consumed what would probably add up to about eight and a half out of eleven meals in the past few days. Or, about nine out of twelve after she eats this peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

She feels awful about eating it and it hurts some, but honestly one of the main problems is that she doesn’t feel as miserable as she thinks she should, as she _wants_ to.

Okay, obviously she doesn’t actually want to be miserable, but this might be the only reason Lonnie and Audrey and Aria, even, are putting up with her, and so if she gets better at eating like a normal human (which, again, not something she wants to do, but it doesn’t seem like the worst thing anymore), they might get tired of her or something.

It doesn’t matter, though. She can think about that later. Right now she just needs to eat the stupid sandwich and get her stuff for the two classes she has left. She stops by the room with Mal after they’re all done eating to grab her things. There’s still about twenty minutes before class, so the two of them sit down on a window seat near the classrooms. Well, near Evie’s classroom. Carlos, Jay, and Ben join them a few minutes later, Jay sliding down the wall across from them and Ben and Carlos cuddling together on Evie’s other side.

“Gross. Stop that,” Evie says, pointing accusingly at Carlos wrapped in Ben’s arms. Carlos doesn’t move, and neither does Ben, but they both look exaggeratingly confused and innocent.

“They’re the worst,” Jay says, barely looking up from whatever he’s doing. “You should see them in our room. I don’t even want to think about what they do when I’m not there.” At this he shudders dramatically. Carlos looks both embarrassed and annoyed, blushing and rolling his eyes. Ben just gives Jay a cocky wink that makes Mal snort in amusement. It’s not really a sound that should be cute, but Evie still thinks it is.

English and heroism go by as uneventfully as the rest of the week has, but Evie’s still glad they’re over.

It’s getting much too cold to comfortably spend time outside, which really sucks because Evie wants to lie in the grass and breathe in the air. She can’t though, because the grass is covered in frost and the air is covered and frost and fucking everything is _covered_ in _frost_.

So instead she hangs out in the common room just a few doors away from Jay and Carlos’s bedroom. It’s just her, the two boys, Ben, and Chad for a while. They only have three controllers, which they pass between the four of them because Carlos has absolutely zero interest. He has absolutely zero skill, too, but that’s sort of beside the point.

Mal and Lonnie walk in about half way through Evie’s fourth game, and Evie will be the last person to ever admit it, but the only reason she lost was because she spent at least five seconds staring at Mal and incidentally fell off the track. Mal and Lonnie insert themselves into the seating arrangement, and Evie ends up between the arm of the couch and Mal. Which is obviously completely fine and not at all distracting or anything, Evie just doesn’t really want to play anymore. That’s all.

Lonnie’s on the end of the love seat to Evie’s right and Evie is _sure_ that Lonnie is trying not to laugh at her. It’s not like she really blames her, though. She can’t think about anything but how Mal is so close to her and how beautiful she is and how she wants to do nothing more than she wants to kiss her etc. etc. etc.

After Mal hands the controller over to Jay, she slings her arm over the back of the sofa and brings it down on Evie’s shoulders, pulling Evie into her slightly. Evie almost squeaks, and she knows that Lonnie noticed, because there is no other reason Lonnie would have suddenly broken out in a coughing fit. But honestly, this is getting completely unbearable. She likes Mal, obviously. Hell, she’s been in love with her for years, but it’s usually not this damn hard to pretend she’s not. She’s not really sure what happens, but she blames Lonnie (and Audrey and Aria, too) and all their supportive “you’re amazing” bullshit.

Still tucked against Mal, she fold her arms across her chest and glares at Lonnie. The message is probably not received with the hostility she hoped for, however, since her face is burning and she’s pretty sure she looks like she may melt.

Evie can’t follow any of the conversations that take place in the hour before dinner because _holy fuck_ , Mal is so fucking gorgeous and perfect and Evie is so in love with her. It’s pretty aggravating.

She’s really not looking forward to dinner, but has mostly given up on not eating since Lonnie and Mal especially seem to be treating it like a personal mission or something and she doesn’t want them to hate her. She’s actually starting to like the way food tastes, too, which she does dislike since it makes her more willing to eat, and she just doesn’t want to gain weight. She knows she already has, but it was hard for her to find a scale before, and people are going out of their way to make sure she doesn’t now. She just wants to be pretty.

It’s just sort of hard, because she doesn’t think she’s attractive but people keep telling her she is. Like even before, on the Isle especially, people had said stuff and she both believed it and didn’t. It was, though, sort of different on the Isle since it was like ninety-seven percent about sex and that’s just generally sort of different. It’s complicated, she knows, but it also doesn’t make sense that all of them would be telling her that she needs to eat and that’s she’s beautiful and all if it wasn’t true.

It doesn’t matter, though, because bottom line is she has to eat something. So she makes herself a salad and (after Lonnie approved it, which is sort of embarrassing) she went to sit down at the table.

Evie’s about a fourth of the way done by the time everyone sits down, and it’s quiet for a minute or two while people start to eat.

“I hate school,” Jay groans, setting down his fork. His plate is already almost completely empty, and Evie is both disgusted and jealous. She tries to push both feelings down and hates herself for two entirely different reasons.

“After dinner I have to go just study,” he whines. “And then, after I study, I get to rest up, at least, so I can fucking study some more!” He throws his hands up, trying to keep a grin off his face at everyone’s amused but sympathetic expressions.

“Tell me about it. Four tests next week and it’s already time to be reviewing for exams. School’s the worst,” Audrey agrees, fork loaded with rice paused halfway to her mouth.

“Happy rest days! If you sleep, you fail!” Evie advertises in an overly cheery voice. Everyone laughs. It’s nice. She likes being funny. Who doesn’t, though?

Both her and Mal immediately start to get ready to study and do other generally studious things. Evie walks into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She first goes to remove her makeup, knowing she won’t be leaving the room again until tomorrow. She hates how she looks without makeup, but not as much as she used to. Still hates it, though.

She leaves the bathroom and walks into her closet. She changes from the dress and tights she was wearing into a pair of leggings, black as always, and an oversized black shirt just like her white one. She doesn’t like it as much, because since she just doesn’t wear it as often, it’s not as soft. The problem is obviously easily solved, but still. The white one is better. (The white one is also dirty.)

She leaves her closet about the same time Mal leaves the bathroom, and Evie immediately has to pinch herself because people are not supposed to think about their best friends that way, but Mal’s also so fucking beautiful, even in just a pair of loose (but relatively tiny) black shorts and some old t shirt. Evie looks quickly to the floor to avoid staring because honestly, wow. They both pull out their homework stuff and begin to set up study stations.

Evie, Mal, Jay, and Carlos had finally gotten hold of some laptops, thanks to Ben mostly. Since he’s king and all, and his family is generally incredibly wealthy, they’ve had a lot of laptops, most of which they actually still had. They weren’t even really that old; Jay and Mal had the oldest two and they were only bought five years ago. Ben had given the best four he could find to Carlos, who had fixed any issues and even updated them. It honestly made everything so much easier. Evie’s really not suer how they managed before.

Evie pulls out the computer, _her_ computer, and six different books: her chemistry textbook, her math textbook, her magical plants textbook, two history books, and her English book. Mal has a stack of slightly different books, but it’s more or less the height of Evie’s own. They share sympathetic sighs. Right away Mal makes herself comfortable in her bed, but Evie starts at the table. It doesn’t take long for her to move to somewhere more comfortable, i.e. her own bed.

She sits on top of the covers for the first few minutes, but then repositions so her cold feet are under the comforter. She first finishes the homework that she can just knock out, which ends up really only being math, and a little bit chemistry, because even though they have a huge test on Wednesday, there’s still regular homework.

It’s completely dark outside and they’ve switched to bedside lamps, mostly, so the room isn’t all that well lit. That doesn’t stop Evie from being able to see Mal with complete clarity, though, illuminated in the soft glow of the covered bulb.

She’s about halfway through the English essay they have due on Monday when she hears Mal groan. She looks up, confused. Mal’s glaring at the screen of her laptop, hair falling in her face and eyebrows furrowed in what is either frustration or concentration. Evie can’t really tell. Mal pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and Evie looks back down to her own essay, face burning.

Less than a minute later there’s another even more exasperated groan.

“How the fuck do you spell embarrassed?” Mal asks her, still staring at the screen. Evie can’t help but laugh slightly. Mal looks up, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. It doesn’t do much since most of her hair is still falling in her face, but Evie’s pretty sure she stops breathing.

“E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-E-D,” Evie tells her. Mal goes back to typing, but Evie continues to stare at her, entranced.

Mal’s hunched over slightly, obviously concentrating on whatever she’s writing. A minute or two later she fumbles for a hair tie on her wrist and pulls her hair up into an incredibly sloppy bun, all without taking her eyes off the screen. She absentmindedly picks a pencil up off her bed, twirling it in her left hand while still typing with her right. She’s honestly never looked more beautiful. (She always looks this beautiful.)

“I’m so in love with you,” Evie says, voice unbelieving and amazed. Mal looks up, dropping the pencil. Evie freezes.

“What?” Mal looks terrified, or maybe just shocked, Evie can’t tell. Evie tries to say something, but can’t, because as soon as she realized what she’d said everything inside her seemed to stop working. She’s staring, mouth gaping slightly, at Mal, eyes wide in astonishment and completely mortified. She can feel her heart in her throat and she doesn’t know what to do because holy shit she just ruined _everything_.

It’s only another second or two before she’s throwing the covers back and jumping out of bed, racing towards the door, barefoot, despite whatever Mal’s saying, because it’s not like she can actually hear it anyway; her heart’s beating too loudly for her to focus on anything else.

She’s halfway down the hallway when she starts crying, because that was honestly the stupidest thing she’s ever done, and she’s done a lot of stupid things. She doesn’t fall apart until she rounds the corner, but then she does so completely, slumping into the wall and sobbing. She’s trying to be quiet, really, because she looks so fucking pathetic right now. There’s no way anyone can see her like this. She will literally die.

She’s still crying so much and can barely move and there’s no room in her brain for anything but the string of insults aimed at herself, but she somehow comes to the conclusion that she needs to find Lonnie. She manages to slow her sobs and pushes herself off the wall, snot and tears and the residue from the makeup she mostly removed running down her face. She only makes it a few feet before she hears someone behind her.

“Evie?” She’s really not sure if it would have been worse if it had been someone she didn’t really know, but now Aria’s rushing towards her and Evie’s collapsing all over again, this time into Aria’s arms. She barely has time to worry about how heavy she is before she starts crying again.

“Hey, hey, Evie. Are you alright?” Aria asks, looking concerned and bewildered and really fucking worried. Evie hates herself for worrying her.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” Evie knows that she stuttering and spluttering more than talking and that Aria probably can’t even understand her, but she can’t bring herself to stop.

“Hey, it’s okay. Do you want to go to Lonnie’s room?” she asks, brushing hair out of Evie’s tearstained face. Evie nods, feeling like a complete fucking child but she's barely even able to bring herself to care. Aria takes her arm, helping her down the hallway. Why is Aria holding her? Evie is so fucking gay. Mal already hates her.

She loses it again, crying harder. Aria looks like she has no clue what to do and Evie is just so sorry.

“I told Mal I’m in love with her," Evie sobs, refusing to meet Aria’s eyes. They’re almost to Lonnie’s room now and Evie’s just dreading the rest of her existence because she fucked everything up. Big time.

“Are you?” Aria asks her, not even flinching at the confession. Evie nods, somehow sobbing even harder, and Aria just grips her hand more tightly as she knocks on the door. An answer doesn’t come within the first half second, which is apparently too long by Aria’s standards since she immediately opens the door and leads Evie in.

“Hey, what the hell?” Audrey exclaims, looking up from her bed. Her expression changes immediately upon seeing Evie, however, and she pushes herself up and is across the room in less than two seconds.

Audrey takes Evie’s other arm and leads her to the sofa, lowering the three of them onto it. Both Audrey and Aria look so fucking concerned, and Audrey looks horribly confused and Evie feels so bad, because this is her fault, and not their’s, and they shouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath of her fucking disgusting mistake.

She moves her hands to her thighs, digging her fingernails into her skin through the fabric as hard as she can. Aria and Audrey don’t seem to notice, which is a relief since she would probably have to stop if they did. She’s still crying, but has managed to get it the slightest bit under control.

“Lonnie’s in the shower. She’ll be done soon, okay?” Audrey tells her, voice calm and soothing but obviously anxious. She then pushes herself up off the couch and crosses to the bathroom door, banging against it. Lonnie says something Evie can’t make out from the other side of the door.

“You need to hurry the fuck up,” Audrey tells her, absolutely failing at keeping the worry out of her voice this time. Audrey sits back down beside her, and Evie starts crying harder again because _shit_ , Mal is going to _hate_ her. She doesn’t think she can deal with that, she really doesn’t. Aria and Audrey both look upset, and Audrey obviously wants to ask what’s wrong, but she doesn’t. Evie’s crying probably harder than ever now, and is just managing a sobbing mantra of “she’s gonna hate me she’s gonna hate me everyone’s going to hate me.”

Lonnie’s in the room less than a minute after the water shut off, dressed in a pair of boxers and a tight t shirt, hair dripping all over everything. She looks really worried, and Evie knows she must have heard the crying from the bathroom because it doesn’t even look she dried off her body and her shirt’s barely even on. Evie digs her nails deeper into her thighs, gasping slightly when she feels the skin break. She presses harder.

Then Lonnie’s kneeling in front of her, looking so concerned and understanding and nice and Evie doesn’t deserve that.

“What happened?” Lonnie asks, sounding so compassionate and so _Lonnie_. Evie doesn’t _deserve_ that. She shakes her head somewhat violently and keeps crying, adding even more pressure to her legs.

“Evie,” Lonnie says, placing her hand on top of one of Evie’s own. “What happened?”

“Everyone’s gonna fucking hate me,” she sobs. Lonnie looks up.

“Do either of you know what happened?” she asks, sounding just as worried as she looks, but somehow still calm. Audrey shakes her head. Lonnie turns to Aria who hesitates for a moment, not sure if Evie wants Lonnie and Audrey to know.

“She said she told Mal she was in love with her,” Aria says. Evie starts crying even fucking harder because she has no control and is so _pathetic_.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Lonnie stands up slightly, placing her hands on Evie’s shoulders and trying to look her in the eye. “You’re okay. It’s all going to be okay. Mal does not hate you.” Evie squeezes her eyes shut, still crying, not wanting to have to look Lonnie in the eye. “No one in this room hates you. You’re okay.” Evie just shakes her head and digs her nails in harder.

Lonnie notices her hands, now, and immediately moves to grab them. She places her fingers on top of Evie’s own and Evie knows she’s been caught but still doesn’t stop. Lonnie slowly wraps her fingers around Evie’s hands, lifting them off her legs. Evie drops her hands without protest and Lonnie presses the pads of her fingers into the places Evie had been digging into her skin. The fabric of Evie’s leggings is wet, and when Lonnie pulls away, her fingertips are tinged red.

She sort of looks like she’s going to start crying, too, which Evie hates. She’s ruined everything. Literally everything.

“Evie,” Lonnie starts, breaking her from her pseudo trance. She’s crying a little less now, at least. “I’m gonna need to take off your leggings, okay? I’m worried you might have really hurt yourself, babe.” She’s talking slowly and calmly, but Evie starts sobbing all over again, shaking her head.

“No you can’t I’m so fucking ugly my legs are so fucking ugly you-” she stops completely here, gasping for air and crying too hard to continue.

“Hey, Audrey and I can leave if that would make it easier,” Aria says from beside her. Evie shakes her head, already calming down slightly.

“It doesn’t matter. You already hate me enough already. It doesn’t matter,” she sighs, this time actually managing to get some comprehendible words out. Audrey sighs from her other side.

“Neither of us hate you. At all. You’re a wonderful person and incredibly beautiful. Okay?” Evie shakes her head, still crying. There’s a few second long pause.

“Can I look at your legs?” Lonnie asks again. Evie pinches the skin around her right eyebrow but nods.

“Thank you. Audrey, will you get the first aid stuff?” Lonnie asks, looking up but not completely away from Evie. Audrey nods and gets up off the couch, walking to the bathroom. Lonnie is still squatting in front of her, and while Audrey is gone she asks Evie stand up slightly. Evie closes her eyes but still complies. Lonnie tucks her fingers under the waistband of her leggings and pulls them down, going ahead and taking them completely off so she’ll be able to stand between Evie’s legs.

Evie doesn’t look at her thighs, but she knows Aria does. Evie scoots the tiniest bit away, feeling bad for disgusting Aria. Aria, though, scoots even closer than she was before and takes Evie’s hand, bringing it up and kissing her knuckles. Evie opens her eyes, staring at her incredulously.

“Why do you not hate me?” she asks, sounding truly confused. Aria sighs, looking even more upset, but still responds without hesitation.

“I have absolutely no reason to. You’re amazing.” Evie doesn’t know how to respond to that, so she drops her gaze to her lap. As Lonnie suspected, the crescent shaped marks on her thighs (all eight of them) are actually bleeding and look pretty bad, especially for what they are.

Evie knows that with her pants off both Lonnie and Aria can clearly see the scars she has on her legs from other things she’s done. They’re probably worse than Evie previously realized. Lonnie looks like she’s using everything she has to keep herself from crying. Evie sighs. Aria begins to rub circles in the back of Evie’s hand, but otherwise doesn’t really react.

Audrey comes back balancing various medical products and Evie hears her sharp intake of breath when she sees her legs. She doesn’t say anything, though, and still sits back down beside Evie, even taking her other hand.

Lonnie wipes the blood off her legs (there’s a surprising amount) and puts some sort of antibiotic cream on the wounds. She puts large bandaids on her legs and even uses tape to keep them down, then falls back slightly on her heels. Evie knows her legs look disgusting, but she’s mostly just exhausted and doesn’t really have the energy to put her leggings back on.

“What happened, babe?” Lonnie asks. Evie’s stopped crying by now, and actually offers Lonnie an answer.

“I told Mal I love her,” she whispers, wincing at the words coming out of her mouth.

“Did you mean to?” Lonnie asks, still somewhat between Evie’s legs. Evie shakes her head.

“No. No, she’s gonna hate me. She hates me.” She almost starts crying again.

“That’s not true, okay?” Evie doesn’t respond. “Is it okay if I go talk to her while you stay here?” Lonnie asks. Evie shrugs, totally defeated.

“Okay.” Lonnie pushes herself up, kisses Evie on the forehead, brushing her hair out of her face, then leaves the room. No one says anything for at least a minute and Evie sort of can’t stand it.

“Why aren’t you guys screaming at me or something? I’m awful,” she whispers, crying again, but quietly and much less violently this time. Audrey sighs. Aria’s grip on her hand tightens ever so slightly.

“Evie,” Audrey says, regal edge back in her voice. “Why on earth would we be yelling at you? What about you do you think is awful?” Her voice breaks just slightly at the end and she clears her throat to try to mask it. Evie shrugs.

“Like everything. But I mean like my legs are fucking disgusting and I’m _gay_ and worthless and I look so fucking hideous without makeup on and I’m _crying_ like, a ton, and you’re still sitting beside me and I’m just so horrible and I don’t understand why you don’t hate me.”

“You have to stop being so hard on yourself,” Aria sighs. “You are so fucking beautiful, for one thing, and who you like does not factor into your quality and worth. You are amazing, and so nice, and so smart, and so pretty. For real.” Evie has barely even started to protest when Audrey cuts her off.

“No seriously. I don’t know what your mother or whatever told you or anything, but you are so gorgeous. I care about you a lot and value you as a friend, and I’m sorry that I was so shitty to you. I’m really sorry if that added to the way you see yourself. I would be really really upset if you died or anything. You need to eat, also, by the way. I know I'm not really supposed to know about that, but Lonnie’s so worried and it’s just sort of obvious. You’re so beautiful, and you need to take care of yourself. Okay?” Evie shrugs. 

“I’ll take it,” Audrey sighs, obviously smiling.

“I’m really sorry for all the trouble and stuff,” Evie says, not able to bring her voice much above a whisper.

“It’s okay. I promise,” Audrey tells her. They sit in silence for at least ten minutes, both Audrey and Aria still holding onto Evie, until Lonnie comes back.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY  
> I have like no excuse for not posting for most of this time, but I have been at camp for like the last two weeks, and then Ghostbusters, so I obviously had to write about that, because it's the best fucking thing ever oh my god. But for real. Sorry. And this is short. Oops. There's probably just gonna be one more chapter after this.  
> 

Lonnie shuts the door softly behind her and leans against it, crossing her arms loosely over her chest. She stands there silently for a minute or so, looking at Evie with her head tilted slightly.

“Hey, Evie,” she finally says. Evie looks up but doesn’t respond, and Lonnie continues. "Did you know…” she trails off, stopping herself from saying something she doesn’t want to. Or that she thinks would make Evie start crying again. Honestly the latter is probably more likely.

“Okay,” Lonnie says, taking a deep breath and starting again. “Evie, I really think you need to go talk to Mal. No seriously,” she rushes to get in when Evie starts to shoot up, a look of absolute dread on her face. “Please talk to Mal. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise.” Lonnie looks so defiant that Evie can’t bring herself to argue. She’s still not wearing any pants, though.

“Okay,” she says, her voice shaking horribly even on just one word. She doesn’t move, and neither does Lonnie. Evie remains exactly where she is for at least two minute, staring at Lonnie and trying to make herself move.

She finally pushes herself up and takes her leggings off the floor and, hands trembling violently, pulls them on. She stands there for a few more seconds before starting to move. She’s having a hard time breathing, honestly, and she’s sort of scared she’ll faint on the way back to her room.

It’s a huge relief when she hears Aria get up from the couch, too, and say, “I’ll walk you back. I need to go back to my room, anyway.” Aria places her palm on Evie’s back, and Evie realizes then just how slowly she’s actually moving. Lonnie opens the door for them, and hugs Evie before she leaves.

“It’s gonna be totally and completely fine. Promise,” she whispers into her ear, Evie wrapped in her arms. Evie doesn’t agree with her, but she doesn’t tell her she’s wrong either.

Aria shuts the door behind them then grabs Evie’s hand in her own. Evie’s shaking still, and her heart feels like it’s going to fall out of her chest. She feels like she’s going to puke. The walk back to her room seems to take forever, but it’s still not long enough. Aria doesn’t say anything as Evie stands outside her own door for more than three minutes, still clutching Aria’s hand like a lifeline.

After what Evie realizes must have been too long, she knocks. Almost immediately, the door flies open. Mal looks like she’s going to cry. Evie can’t tell what from.

Aria kisses her lightly on the cheek, gives her hand a final squeeze, and smiles at Mal before she turns back around, walking towards her own room. Mal’s the first one to speak, though there’s still at least a minute of quiet.

Saying, “Oh my god, Evie, what the fuck?” is how she chooses to break the silence. Evie winces. “No, it’s not-“ Mal sighs. “Here,” she says, ushering Evie into their room. Evie’s still shaking, and she’s yet to say anything to defend herself or apologize to Mal.

“I’m so sorry,” she says, finally managing some semblance of control over herself and her body.

“Oh, shut up,” Mal says, looking more than a little bit exasperated. Evie flinches, half just plain mortified and half expecting Mal to hit her. “I love you too, Evie. That was one of the stupidest things you’ve ever done,” she sighs. “I was really worried.” Evie’s pretty sure she stops breathing, but it’s totally not a big deal.

“What?” she tries to ask, though it comes out more like a choked whisper.

“I was super worried. You can’t just run off like that; it makes me think you’re gonna like, do something bad,” Mal tells her, fidgeting with her hands as she avoids saying anything concrete about what Evie could have done.

Evie sort of has no idea what is actually going on, because Mal doesn’t seem to hate her, which she most definitely would if she knew Evie was in love with her, which she should know. It doesn’t make sense. Unless Mal is pretending like she thought Evie meant she only loved her like a normal person loves their friend. Or she’s super clueless.

Mal’s never all that clueless, though, and it just doesn’t make sense. Except now Mal’s looking at her like she’s expecting Evie to say something, and her eyebrows are drawing closer and closer together and she just looks _worried_.

“I’m sorry,” Evie finally says, realizing that she needs to go ahead and speak. Mal rolls her eyes.

“No I’m really sorry for leaving and stuff and I’m just really sorry. You’re, umm,” she trails off, realizing that she still might have a chance to fix this. “You’re my best friend, and I’m sorry.” The lie is flimsy and Evie knows this, but there’s really no way she can deal with Mal hating her. Mal rolls her eyes again.

“Goddammit, Evie. Did you hear me say I love you, too?” she asks, throwing her hands up slightly in what seems to be exasperation. Evie does not understand what’s going on. “Like if you didn’t mean that you were actually in love with me or something, than tell me now, and it will be fine, but I am so in love with you.” Evie doesn’t say anything; she really doesn’t think she can. This doesn’t make sense.

“You’re so clueless,” Mal sighs. Evie runs a hand through her hair, staring at Mal, because what the _fuck_ is going on. “I’ve liked you for _at least_ a year, and I didn’t really think you liked me back, because, I mean, you’re _Evie_ and you sort of flirt with everyone. But then you told me you were gay, and, granted, you didn’t really mean to, but you freaked out so much about me knowing and I thought, ‘Hey I’ve actually got a chance here.” I thought there was a pretty damn good chance you liked me at this point, so I decided to basically just up the flirting or whatever.

“I was starting to think you didn’t feel the same, because you didn’t seem to get it, which is mostly why I was so surprised earlier. I mean, besides the fact that that’s something most people would be pretty shocked to hear. I mean, I was flirting my ass off, to be honest, and you _still didn’t get it_. Honestly you still don’t seem to. I’m in love with you, too, E,” Mal says, looking like she means every word, but it doesn’t make sense. She should hate Evie.

“Seriously?” Evie asks, hoping and praying to everything that this isn’t a joke or a prank or a dream. Mal sighs.

“Yes seriously. I think you’re so amazingly kind, and smart, and talented, and the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. And I want to kiss you, always, and the only reason I haven’t kissed you yet, because believe me, I really want to, is because you’re still super freaking out and I don’t want you to run away and stuff again,” she tells her. “Lonnie said you broke your skin with your fingernails,” she adds, significantly more quietly. Evie winces again.

“Sorry,” she whispers.

“Don’t apologize, dude. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Also, since you obviously don’t believe me because for some reason absolutely no one understands, you don’t think you’re all that pretty or great or anything, which you _are_.” Mal seems like she wants to say more, but she stops there.

“Are you like, being serious?” Evie asks, absolutely hating the way her voice trembles.

“Yes. God, yes, Evie.” She stops for a second, taking a semi-deep breath. “We can talk about it tomorrow, okay?” When Evie shrugs she continues. “You look like you’re about to drop. Come on.” She reaches towards Evie, but stops about half way, not sure if she should touch her or not. After about two seconds of hesitation, she grabs Evie’s hand, mostly pulling her towards her bed.

Evie’s so confused, honestly. Everything’s just so much. She’s moderately surprised that, once she’s under her blankets, Mal doesn’t go back to her own bed. She stands there for a little while, biting her lip, then climbs in bed beside Evie. The lights are still on, but they both fall asleep fairly quickly anyway.

Evie wakes up panicking. She doesn’t want to be freaking out, but she is, and that really fucking sucks because she’s probably going to wake Mal up. She wants to break through her skin and shove fingers down her throat and she doesn’t know why.

She slips out of bed as carefully as she can manage, hurrying to the bathroom. She turns on the shower all the way to hot, then thinks better of it and turns it down just a little. She strips off her clothes, wincing at the slight pain from the crescent gashes in her thighs.

The hot water is good. It helps her calm down and it’s better than actually cutting herself, she knows, or even scratching herself really.

She stays in the shower until she hears Mal knock on the bathroom door at least thirty minutes later.

“Just a second!” she calls, turning off the water and sort of freaking out, because she definitely looks awful, wet hair and pink skin. Plus, as an added bonus, she’s wearing absolutely zero makeup.

She doesn’t really want to put her dirty clothes back on, so she dries off, first, wraps a towel around her body and a towel around her head, then brushes her hair when it’s dry enough. She repositions the towel around her body and grabs her clothes from the floor, holding them to her chest. She takes a deep breath and opens the door.

Mal’s sitting on her own bed, reading something, but she looks up when she hears the door open. Her eyes go slightly wide and her cheeks go slightly red but Evie doesn’t really notice, focused mostly on how awful she must look.

“Shit,” Mal whispers. Evie looks up.

“What?” Evie asks, worried. Mal shakes her head, runs a hand through her hair.

“Nothing. Nothing. Go get dressed. Fuck, you’re so hot.” Evie doesn’t really know how to respond to that, mostly because it’s not true, so she sort of just stands there for a little while longer.

“Seriously, Evie. Go get dressed. You’re making this really difficult,” Mal tells her, at least somewhat joking. Evie gives her a cautious smile, then walks the rest of the way to her closet.

She puts on underwear first, matching of course, and lacy black, and then a soft rust colored dress and black tights. She slips on a black cardigan, but it’s really just temporary; she’s cold and hates her arms, but it doesn’t look that great. She grabs her favorite black booties, but doesn’t put them on, then walks back out of her closet, leaving her dirty clothes piled on the floor.

Mal’s still on her bed, but is somehow already dressed in tight black jeans and a long sleeved loose lavender shirt. She looks up when she hears Evie walk back in.

“We gotta talk, you know,” she says, still on her bed. Evie nods, biting her lip.

“I’m gonna finish getting dressed, first, if that’s okay,” Evie tells her. Mal nods. Evie walks into the bathroom, and leaves about half an hour later looking much better than when she went in. Mal’s got her makeup done, too, and her hair looks more intentional than before. Evie’s never really payed attention, but Mal must have some sort of vanity in her closet. 

“Okay, first off,” Mal says, back on her bed. “I really do like you. I’m not lying. I would not do that. I need you to believe me. Seriously, Evie, I would give you the stars in the sky if you asked for them.” And, yeah, Evie hates herself, but she trusts Mal, and Evie logically knows she’s not that bad, so she believes her. Mostly, at least. Evie nods.

“I want you to be my girlfriend,” Mal tells her. “As long as that’s something you also want,” she rushes to add. Evie nods furiously, not sure if she can really bring herself to say anything right now.

“Awesome,” Mal says, grinning and trying not to. “And, okay, umm. I know it’s really hard, but you need to get better,” she says, suddenly twice as awkward. Evie knows it’s true, really she does, she just hates that it is. “I swear to god I am not going to break up with you because you gain weight or don’t wear makeup or get acne or wear sweatpants or anything stupid like that. Okay?” Evie shrugs. Mal sighs.

“No, I need to hear you say okay.”   
“Okay,” Evie whispers.

“Look, I know it’s really hard, I just need you to try. Because I love you, and I don’t want to see you like this,” Mal says. Evie nods. They stay silent for a couple minutes, Evie standing in the middle of the room and Mal sitting up in her bed, then Mal claps her hands, which makes Evie jump.

“Sorry,” Mal smiles as she pushes herself off the bed. She crosses the room to Evie.

“Now, _girlfriend_ ,” Mal says, then kisses her. Which, okay, wow. “What do you say we go see if anyone wants to do something today?” Evie nods, still probably incapable of speech.

Mal pecks her on the cheek, grins, then goes back into her closet. Evie just stands there, frozen, the entire time Mal’s in her closet. When Mal comes back out she’s got her heeled black combat boots on and her leather jacket thrown over one arm.

Evie snaps out of it, sort of, and starts to put on her own shoes. She grabs her black coat off the back of a chair and replaces it with her cardigan. She’s ready, and Mal’s in her jacket now, too, arranging a dark green beanie on her head. Evie smiles. This is her _girlfriend_.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY  
> I have no excuse for the majority of the time I didn't update, but this past week was the first week of school and JESUS. Oh my god. No time at all. At all. None. 
> 
> Anyway, obviously there's gonna be more than 18 chapters since I was too lazy to end this. And again, sorry for not updating for like forever.

When Lonnie opens her door she smiles, and Evie knows that she knows. It’s probably pretty obvious, though, since Mal doesn’t look like she hates her and Evie’s pretty sure she’s smiling like an idiot. Lonnie winks at her and she blushes. As stupid as she knows it is, she can’t help worrying about what everyone will think of, well, not so much of her and Mal, because she knows they all love Mal, but of her being gay. She still half expects them to get tired of dealing with her and all of her food and self esteem issues, and she's entirely sure they would leave if she actually explained herself.

“We were wondering if you guys wanted to do something not on campus today?” Mal asks in what Evie can’t help but notice isn’t actually a question. “We’re gonna ask the others,” she adds.

“Yeah sure,” Lonnie shrugs. “I’ve gotta finish getting dressed, though. And I’ll ask Audrey. You two can come in if you want,” she tells them, stepping back from the door and turning to her roommate, standing in a light pink bodycon dress and oversized fuzzy slippers. Mal and Evie follow her back into the room. Evie closes the door.

“Hey, Audrey, do you want-”

“Yeah, I heard all that. I definitely want to get the hell off campus. Sounds good,” Audrey cuts Lonnie off without turning away from the mirror she’s doing her makeup in. Lonnie laughs lightly and turns back to Mal and Evie.

“I just need to finish my makeup and put on real clothes. You can go talk to other people about plans or something if you want. I really don’t care what we do,” Lonnie suggests. Mal turns to Evie.

“You wanna go ask Aria?” Evie shrugs, nodding.

“I’m gonna text Jane,” Audrey tells them as they leave. “You two really need to get some phones. Even just one between the two of you would be a drastic improvement,” she adds.

“Oh yeah,” Mal says, standing in the doorway. “Silly me.” She palms her forehead dramatically. “Let me just reach into my wallet here and pull out some of my spare money that I very much do have, because I am super rich!” Audrey rolls her eyes.

“First off, like half your friends, including me, have money to spare and would buy you a phone with very little protest.” She pauses. “I realize that sounded sort of like, shitty and, well, shitty.”

“It’s fine,” Mal says, shaking her head and smiling.

“Okay good. Second, literally ask Ben. He’s the goddamn king.” Mal pauses, because, yeah, that’s not actually a bad idea. And a phone would be really _really_ great, honestly.

It’s a very short walk from Lonnie to Aria’s room, but Mal grabs her hand about halfway down the hall and Evie blushes furiously. She sees Mal glance over at her and grin. She looks a little too smug, but Evie can’t bring herself to care.

Mal doesn’t drop her hand when she knocks on the door, and she doesn’t let go when Aria opens the door, pantless and with eye makeup on only her right eye. Aria takes one look at Evie and Mal and purses her lips together in what Evie can tell is an attempt to stop laughing.   
“Good to see Evie was totally completely right and you hate her,” Aria says. “Here, come in. I’m clearly dressed and all, but…” Evie laughs. Aria shuts the door behind them then goes to finish getting ready.

“Do you want to go off campus today?” Mal asks as they walk in. “You can come to,” she tells Tia, who’s sitting on the couch in full makeup and full pajamas.

“Can’t,” Tia says without looking up from her phone. “Date. Thanks, though,” she adds, finally glancing up to smile at Mal. Mal wiggles her eyebrows at her and Evie has to drop her hand so she can convincingly fake being fake annoyed. Aria winks at Evie through the mirror she’s finishing her makeup in.

“Aria?” Mal asks as she sits down on their couch.

“Yeah I’ll go,” Aria says. “What’re we doing? And who’s driving?” She caps her eyeliner and lets her hair down from the tight bun it was in.

“I’m not really sure at all. I’m assuming Audrey’s gonna drive, and maybe Ben, but I don’t know if Ben’s actually gonna want to go,” Mal says. She props her legs up on the coffee table, slinging an arm over Tia’s shoulder. Aria combs her fingers through her hair one last time then turns around.

“I can drive if I absolutely need to, but my parents don’t really like it when I drive friends around,” Aria tells them, turning in a circle. Evie can’t help the warm feeling that seems to spread through her chest at someone calling her their friend.

“I seriously doubt you’ll need to,” Mal says as Aria seemingly locates what she’d been looking for. The pair of jeans Aria grabs from the floor are very light blue and very ripped and Evie is very sure it’s really too cold for them, but Aria shimmies into them anyway, pinching them closed to button them. She grabs her pair of purple suede sneakers from the floor, too, then moves and sits down on Tia’s other side. Evie’s still standing, and now feels more than a little awkward, but Aria gets the shoes on quickly and hops right back up.

“Alright,” she says, glancing around the room once more. “I just need to find my flannel…” Tia reaches over to the space Aria was just in and grabs a dark green and black flannel, holding it up wordlessly. Aria snatches it from her hand, grinning. “And I’m ready,” she finishes. She leans over and kisses Tia on the head as she slides her arms into the shirt.   
“You’re gonna freeze,” Mal says as she gets up off the couch, following Aria and Evie to the door.

“I’m wearing two shirts. I’ll be fine,” Aria says, waving her hand dismissively.

“One of them has no sleeves,” Evie says. Aria turns back and sticks her tongue out, flipping Evie off for good measure.

“We have no time for your sass today, Missy,” she says. “Have fun on your date, T!” she adds, calling back over her shoulder.

“Thanks!” Evie hears her reply just before the door closes.

Then, turning back to Evie, Aria says, “Plus it’s black. That will absorb the sunlight and make me warm.” Evie rolls her eyes, making sure Aria sees.

“We need to go back by Lonnie and Audrey’s room, and then we can go bombard the boys en masse,” Evie tells Aria as they walk back down the hall.

“Awesome sauce,” Aria says, and then proceeds, to pause mid-step before wincing at her own word choice. “I don’t know why you were intimidated by me,” she tells Evie, shaking her head. Evie can’t help but smile, because there’s something about Aria acknowledging that Evie shouldn’t have been so damn scared without making her sound silly or feel stupid that makes her feel more normal.

“Knock, knock!” Mal calls out as she opens the door to Audrey and Lonnie’s room. Audrey looks up from where she’s lying on her bed, obviously unamused.

“Thanks so much for knocking.” Evie lets out a breath of a laugh.

“Yeah it’s totally no problem,” Mal says. Audrey’s wearing almost knee high brown boots, now. Also pantyhose, Evie thinks, which would be seriously amusing if Audrey didn’t look so damn good. Evie needs to get some less gorgeous friends.

“But for real, are you guys ready?” Mal asks, leaning back against the wall and crossing her arms.

“Yeah. One sec,” Audrey says, getting up from her bed and grabbing her almost cream colored coat. “I’m ready.” She pulls the sleeves of her dress over her hands and slips the coat on.

Lonnie walks out of the bathroom and Evie grows more sure that yes, her friends are too pretty. Lonnie’s just in black leggings and an off white sweater, but she looks probably ten times better than Evie would in that. She slips her feet into some relatively, if not extremely, high heeled all black booties and grabs a light brown hat from her vanity.

“Alright,” Lonnie announces, picking up her jacket from the arm of the sofa. “I’m ready.”

“Okay. Let’s go fuck some shit up,” Audrey says. Evie laughs; Lonnie rolls her eyes and groans.

“We’re probably just going to the mall,” Mal says, obviously trying not to smile.

“Did I stutter?” Audrey deadpans. Mal laughs now; Lonnie rolls her eyes again, pursing her lips together in an attempt to look unamused.

Lonnie’s the last one out of the room and they wait while she shuts the door and locks it, slipping her key into the pocket of her long grayish brown coat, then slipping her arms through the sleeves and pulling the jacket around her.

“We look good as hell,” Audrey remarks as they start towards the guys’ dorms. Evie bites her lip to keep from saying that she doesn’t. Aria glances down at herself.

“I feel underdressed,” she says. “Or at least undershoed.” This earns a laugh from everyone.

They go straight to Jay and Carlos’s room, and Evie knocks. Someone inside says something, but none of them can tell what, and it really just sounds more like a grunt, so Evie takes it as permission and opens the door. Carlos isn’t in there, but Doug is, apparently helping Jay with math. Or, more likely, telling Jay the answers to math while Jay tries very hard but does not get it one bit.

“Where’s Los?” Mal asks, dramatically flopping herself onto Jay’s bed.

“In Ben’s room. I think,” Jay tells her. “Why?” He pushes the math book away in disdain, folding his arms behind his head and leaning back.

“We were wondering if all of you guys wanted to go do something off campus today. We are slowly but surely recruiting,” Mal says. Jay shrugs.

“Yeah, that sounds fun. I think Ben was planning on doing something with at least some people later, but I’m not positive. I wasn’t really paying attention. He should be down. Chad, too, if Audrey’s going,” he adds. Audrey rolls her eyes. It’s true, though.

“Are you ready or do you want to meet us in Ben’s room?” Mal asks. Jay shakes his head.

“No, I’m ready,” he says, pushing himself up from his chair. He grabs a red leather jacket, which he throws on over white tank top and blue utility pants, then starts to walk towards the door, stumbling when he steps on his shoelace.

“Actually give me a second,” he says, bending over to lace up his black boots.

“Doug?” Evie asks. He nods, stacking up his books and papers.

“Yeah. I just need to drop my books by my room and grab my coat,” he says, piling books into his arms.

“Here,” Evie says, moving towards him. “I’ll help.” He thanks her and hands over a few textbooks. They wait for Jay to finish and grab a dark red beanie, then leave the room as a group. Evie and Doug head towards his room with the promise to meet the others in two minutes.

Doug fumbles to arrange the books he’s carrying before he can take his key from the pocket of his black jeans, but he finally gets the door open, holding it for Evie to walk in.

“Where should I put these?” she asks.

“Just on the table there,” Doug tells her as he closes the door. She deposits the textbooks, arranging them so that the spines line up. Doug adds the ones he was carrying to the stack, doing the same. He wipes his palms on his green sweater, looking around the room.

“Let me just grab my coat.” He takes his grey coat from his closet and puts it on, switching his keys and wallet from the pockets of his jeans to his jacket pockets. “And leave a note for Slater.”

It’s only then that Evie notices that Doug’s roommate is, in fact, in the room, huddled under a pile of blankets on his bed.

“I didn’t know he was in here,” Evie whispers, slightly appalled. Doug laughs, scribbling a message onto a piece of paper.

They leave the room, Doug after Evie, and start the short walk to Ben’s room. Doug’s about to knock on the door when Evie springs forward, noticing the collar of his white shirt is crooked.

“Here,” she says. “Let me fix your collar.” Doug, blushing slightly, rolls his eyes at Evie as tucks his black bowtie back under the collar and straightens out the fabric. When she pulls away, satisfied, Doug moves to knock on the door. This time she doesn’t interrupt him.

The door is thrown open less than two seconds later by Mal. Evie barely has time to take in who’s in the room before they’re all leaving. Mal and Audrey seem to be doing the majority of the organizing, so Evie falls back to walk with Carlos and, by association, Ben. Carlos drops Ben’s hand and instead reaches for Evie’s, which she accepts after winking dramatically at Ben. Carlos rolls his eyes at her.

“You look cute,” he says. She looks down at herself, shrugging and making some unintelligible noise in response. Carlos laughs.

“So do you,” she says after more than a few seconds of silence between them. And he does. He’s not necessarily looking particularly nice, but he definitely looks _cute_. He’s in red very skinny jeans and an oversized black and white sweater with a black beanie, which is adorable on its own, but honestly even more so in contrast to the leather jacket and combat boots. He raises his eyebrows.

“I sort of look like I’m going to a Christmas party. Or I just woke up and decided to go to the store in the middle of the night,” he says. She rolls her eyes, grinning.

“Okay sure, but it’s pretty damn cute,” she tells him. “I bet Ben thinks so, too,” she adds. “Ben,” she says, leaning over to nudge him.

“Hmm?” He doesn’t look up from his phone.

“Doesn’t Carlos look cute?” she asks, only half teasing.

“Always,” he says, eyes still on his screen. Carlos blushes, but rolls his eyes just the same.

“Anyway,” Carlos continues. “How’s your week been?” Evie pauses, entirely unsure how to actually answer that, what with the major freak outs and Mal not despising her very being and all.

“Uh, weird,” she finally says, deciding she’ll tell Carlos the whole story later. But maybe minus the parts that make her seem super fucked up. She is super fucked up, obviously, but Carlos doesn’t really need to know that. She knows Lonnie and Mal and mostly everyone would disagree, but still.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long; school is hard. Also, I think I have written more papers and/or paper length equivalents these past fivish weeks than ever before in my life. 
> 
> And I wrote a good bit of this while watching the debate, so I was pissed off and distracted. Love Hillary, who has, according to Trump, been fighting Isis since 30 years before it was formed. (Or, well, really don't love Hillary, but I mean in comparison...)
> 
> This chapter is largely not coherent as a chapter, but oh well. I got it posted.

It’s barely even ten by the time they check out and actually arrive in town. There’s really not all that much they can do, especially at that time of day, and no one had really planned this far ahead, so there’s a few minutes of awkward decision making before someone (Evie thinks it’s Audrey but she’s really not sure) suggests a movie.

After a few more minutes of Google searches, they end up at an old theater that’s showing a series of horror movies from about twenty years ago that Evie has never heard of, yet alone seen. They, or really just Lonnie, Audrey, and Jay, decide that they’ll stay for two movies unless they hate them, eat a shit ton of popcorn, and then go grab a late lunch. Evie’s mostly good with the plan, eating a shit ton of popcorn aside, and doesn’t know how to tell people that she really didn’t think this through and really doesn’t have any money.

She technically still has a little bit of the money that Ace gave her for the clothes, but she’s going to need to buy lunch, and she really can’t afford to spend it on a movie ticket, anyway.

She realizes, though, that the others are in the same boat as her, and she looks around her, catching Jay’s eye. He gives her an awkward half-grimace, obviously not knowing what to do, either. Ben steps up to pay, and she sees the moment Carlos panics, knowing he needs to ask Ben to pay for him but not wanting to draw attention to that fact.

“Eleven tickets for ‘Scream,’” Ben tells the woman behind the glass. She stares at him for almost a full second before moving to type it into the computer. Evie can tell she’s skeptical about his ability to pay for all of those tickets. But Ben, bless him, doesn’t even falter, just smiles at her and reaches into his pocket to pull out his wallet.

“Ninety-five ninety-two.” Ben takes out his credit card and slides it through the opening in the window. “I need to see your ID,” she tells him. He pulls that out too, slides it across to her, and Evie can see the exact moment that the woman realizes who Ben actually is. And, okay, it’s not like Ben’s super famous or anything, but it is very much like he’s the king.

Carols, Jay, Mal, and Evie end up not even having to worry about snacks; the first four people in line (Audrey, Lonnie, Ben, and Aria) buy so much food that Evie can’t tell if it’s so the people that can’t afford to buy the overpriced food don’t have to stress. They end up with five large buckets of popcorn, eight large drinks, and a horrifying amount of candy between the eleven of them.

Evie, as pathetic as she is, freaks out about having to even hold food in public some days, and starts to panic when someone passes her a bucket of popcorn to take into the theater. She looks up, more anxious than she should be, to see Audrey watching her. When she sees Evie looking at her, Audrey raises in eyebrow. Evie lowers her head quickly, suddenly super embarrassed.

Without raising her eyes, she feels someone step up beside her.

“You good?” she hears Audrey ask. Evie shrugs, because it’s so incredibly stupid, really, and it’s not like she doesn’t know that. Audrey nudges Evie’s shoulder with her own. “Seriously. What’s up?” Evie shrugs again, not really knowing what to say about it to make it somehow seem less ridiculous than it is. Audrey watches her, eyebrows slightly raised, waiting.

“I just really don’t like holding food and stuff in public,” Evie rushes. “I know it’s super dumb, I just… I don’t know. Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Audrey tells her, somehow almost singing. “And that’s not dumb. Wanna switch?” she asks, holding out the two soft drinks she’s holding. Evie blushes, because it is dumb, and she blushes more than the rest of the teenage population combined, probably, but she nods anyway. It’s slight and subdued, but it’s still a nod. After a few seconds of strained maneuvering, Audrey manages to get a good hold of the large bucket of popcorn. She smiles, starts to wink at Evie, then stops, distracted by something over Evie’s shoulder.

Evie turns around just in time to see Mal shove an obscenely large handful of popcorn into her mouth in a manner that should definitely be disgusting, but is somehow still cute. That’s her girlfriend. Evie can’t help but smile at the thought. And at Mal, who, with her cheeks bulging, attempts to smile back.

There’s only two other people in the actual theater, and they’re in the third row. The eleven of them file into a row near the back of the theater, and the row goes Audrey, Chad, Ben, Carlos, Jay, Mal, Evie, Lonnie, Aria, Doug, Jane. Throughout the previews, Lonnie and Mal both offer her an insane amount of popcorn, but do not force her to eat any when she says she’s fine. (She knows she’ll have to eat a lot of lunch, and she’s not into that at all, but it somehow seems better right now.)

The movie’s not particularly scary, honestly, but Evie’s still a little terrified. She’s only seen a couple horror movies, but she still knows the tropes, she’s not dumb, and this film seems to be more making fun of other horror films than actually trying to be a horror movie in and of itself. It’s still a little scary, though, and it’s definitely a good excuse to stay close to Mal.

There’s a break between the first and second movie, but it’s in the same theater, so they all come back to their same seats after a short bathroom break.

It’s just past two when the second movie’s over, and most people are definitely ready to eat some real food. They decide to go to a small and vaguely Italian place with sandwiches, pizza, and gelato. As hard as food is, Evie’s a little psyched about the gelato.

The restaurant’s a little crowded, so they have to split up to sit down. Evie ends up at a half booth half table in the corner of the restaurant with Mal, Lonnie, Audrey, and Aria, and Jane and Doug at a small booth table to the left. The other four guys are across the restaurant, but Jay keeps standing up to wave at Mal.

Evie starts to regret her seating decision almost immediately, which just so happens to be at the same time that she realizes she’s sitting with literally everyone who knows how little she wants to eat. She knows that she’s going to have to eat, and the thought is less bothersome that it has been in the past. She feels like that should upset her, but she’s sitting beside Mal, who is her _girlfriend_ , so she’s finding it a little hard to care about much of anything.

She still sort of totally freaks out, and she’s really not at all sure what she ordered; it’s some sort of salad, but she has absolutely no idea what’s actually in it or on it. The food comes fairly quickly, though, especially for the crowd they have in the restaurant. Evie’s salad is bigger than she would like to eat, but generally seems pretty plain and manageable, especially compared to the portions of the other dishes. She eats about two thirds of it, and then decides that she really can’t eat anymore if she wants to get gelato and not throw up accidentally, so she stops. Mal grabs her hand under the table and she can Lonnie’s not super pleased about her stopping.

Lonnie doesn’t say anything, since they are in public, after all, and when they all get up after eating to get gelato and Evie orders a cup of mint cookies and cream, Lonnie grins. The other girls seem generally more happy about Evie’s ice cream decision than makes sense, and it sort of bugs her, but it’s also sweet, and she’s pretty sure she can take some awkward and embarrassing attachment to her health as long as it means she has people who will speak to her. (She’d also prefer if it didn’t actually interfere with her fucking up her health, but she knows she can’t have everything.)

Gelato in hand, they walk back to their cars, which are about a fourth of a mile away at the movie theater. At one point Chad trips over something, probably a crack in the sidewalk, and gets ice cream on Ben’s black oxfords. Ben’s not really upset in the slightest, but he retaliates by flicking his own vanilla onto Chad’s Timberlands. Chad’s a little more pissed than Ben was, but wipes it off, glowering silently, and they continue on their way. By the time they pile into people’s seats, they’ve all finished, which makes the car ride to the mall much less stressful than it would have been with sticky gelato in people’s hands.

It takes them less than five minutes to drive to the mall, and Ben, Audrey, and Chad all manage to find parking spaces beside each other. Evie has no money, and she hates trying on or shopping for clothes, but she knows it will still be fun. She’s never really hung out in public with people like this, and there’s honestly something strangely exhilarating about it.

They end up splitting into two groups at first, planning to meet back up in about two and a half or three hours. Ben, Carlos, Mal, Evie, and Aria go first to Bath and Bodyworks, because it’s the best store ever, while the others start in some actual clothing section of the mall. Evie, and all of the people with her, honestly, end up doing very little clothing shopping.

After spending over half an hour in Bath and Bodyworks, they made a short stop in Forever 21, and then spent the rest of the time in the bookstore. Everyone but Evie buys some sort of pseudo coffee drink (except for Aria, who buys real actual black coffee), and Evie loves coffee, but she’s already really close to throwing up as it is.

Ben and Carlos stay at the back of the store looking at magazines for a bit while Evie, Mal, and Aria went off to look for books. After about ten minutes of collecting books, Aria, totally enthralled by a paperback she picked up, sits down in the middle of the fiction isle to start reading. Evie and Mal, who don’t have the stamina Aria seems to when it comes to book shopping, peel off to find ridiculous titles for ridiculous books.

After another hour or so, Aria, with Carlos and Ben in tow, finds Evie and Mal looking at the ridiculous diet cookbooks.

“Are you guys buying anything?” she asks them. Both of them, having no money whatsoever, shake their heads.

“Okay, well I just got a text from Lonnie and she says they’ll be down in the food court in like, two minutes, so we should go meet them,” she explains. Evie nods, and puts up the latest cookbook she and Mal had been looking through before following Aria out of the store.

They have to pull three tables together so that they can all fit together, and they get a few dirty looks from people around them. Evie tries not to mind, but her skin still starts to crawl a little bit when she sees a middle-aged woman glaring at her. She tries to swallow, but there’s a lump in her throat and it doesn’t quite feel right.

It’s fivish, now, and they need to head back to campus, so they decide that now’s definitely the time to that. Evie ends up this time in Audrey’s car with only Audrey. She’s not sure how that happened, and she’s not sure if she’s going to like it. Audrey still scares the shit out of her in the way that everyone who is pretty, nice, or just generally existing in her general vicinity does; at this moment, Audrey is all three, so needless to say Evie’s a little anxious.

“How’s Mal?” Audrey asks about two minutes into the drive back home. Evie shrugs slightly, not sure what to say.

“She’s fine. You saw her like five minutes ago.” Audrey does a sort of half snort, half laugh, thing.

“Shut up. I was just trying to make cute conversation,” she teases.

“Sorry,” Evie responds instinctively. Audrey turns slightly towards her, eyes still half on the road ahead, and gives her a “seriously?” look. Evie blushes slightly, and can’t help but sink into her seat farther.

“Sorry?” she says again, this time at least half joking. She can see Audrey roll her eyes, but then she laughs. Audrey, being the wonderful person that she is, turns on the radio instead of questioning Evie any further. She sings along while Evie sits somewhat awkwardly in the passenger seat.

They go straight to dinner to check back in when they get back to school, and Evie gets by with just eating an apple. They had a late lunch, so really only Jay and Chad are actually hungry at this point. Mal sits next to Evie during dinner, like usual, and she holds Evie hand the entire time she doesn’t need it to eat.

“I have to go work on a project for Latin and spells with Doug after dinner,” Mal says, leaning in to rest her head on Evie’s shoulder. Evie nods, somewhat distracted by the smell of Mal’s hair. It smells vaguely of berries, roses, and lavender.

“Fine. I’ll find a new girlfriend, then,” Evie responds, playing with Mal’s fingers now in her lap. Mal laughs, pulling her head off Evie’s shoulder.

“Just hang out with Lonnie and Audrey or something,” she tells her, smiling. And so Evie does. After dinner she stops by her room to change out of her dress, tights, and coat, and into something more comfortable, which ends up being a white tank top, a black hoodie of Mal’s, and a pair of loose rust-red shorts, even though the prospect of wearing shorts at all, yet alone around people, terrifies her. She slips a pair of shoes on and heads over to Lonnie and Audrey’s room.

When she knocks, Aria answers the door.

“Hey,” she grins. “Is Mal coming?” Evie shakes her head and only thinks for a moment that Aria means she doesn’t like her as much as she likes Mal.

“She has to work on something. For school. Gross,” she says as she steps into the room. Aria shuts and locks the door behind them, and Evie turns to Lonnie and Audrey. They’re both sitting cross legged on Audrey’s bed, a barely open bottle of wine between the two of them.

“You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to,” Lonnie says first thing. Evie starts to laugh. She can’t help it; Lonnie is so fucking nice and sweet and accommodating and it’s just a little bit funny. Audrey starts laughing, too, and Evie kicks off her shoes and joins the other three on the bed.

Evie doesn’t drink very much; none of them do, really, since there’s only a bottle and a half of wine between the four of them, but Evie probably drinks the least. She’s probably got the lowest tolerance, too, though. It might be about the same as Aria’s, thin as she is, but Aria seems to be holding up better than Evie, even with the added alcohol.

They end up sprawled out and snuggled together on Audrey’s bed playing a game that’s some combination of Never Have I Ever and Truth or Dare, minus the dare. Everyone says something they haven’t done, and, if you have done it, you talk about it in at least some detail. Evie’s ended up talking about quite a bit of stuff, mostly sex related, that she hasn’t wanted to, but she’s been able to leave most of the bad parts out of it, so it hasn’t been too bad.

But then Aria says, “If you’re gay how do you know so much about sex and blowjobs and guys and shit?” And Evie’s barely even tipsy, but she’s also noticeably not sober, and she’s not really sure what she’s supposed to say. She doesn’t want to dampen the mood, and she doesn’t want to lie, but there’s really no way to brush off that question. It’s not like it’s that bad anyway, though, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s awkward for her to talk about, though, and she’s not the best at speaking even when she’s sober, so she’s clumsy in her explanation and she can feel her hands start to tremble before she even starts.

“I don’t know. I just had to like, I mean- I mean, it’s not like being gay is, was, really an option, cause I didn’t need to give my mother, or anyone else for that matter, any more reason to hate me, so it’s not like people knew or anything. But I mean I just, I had to, like, do stuff with some people,” she finally gets out. She hears Audrey’s breath hitch, and she’s really not sure why, but a second later she feels Audrey’s fingers on her own. She grabs Evie’s hand, running her thumb over the inside of her wrist soothingly. Evie appreciates it more than she’d like, and it’s honestly sort of embarrassing that she’s being such a baby.

“You don’t have to talk about this, you know,” Lonnie says, sweet and diplomatically supportive as always. Evie shrugs as best she can lying on her back.

“It’s fine. It’s not a big deal anyway,” she says. She hears Lonnie start to say something, but she stops herself before Evie can figure out what it was going to be, so she decides to continue.

“I don’t know. Like my mom made me- Or, no, that sounds worse than it was. She just told some guys I would sleep with them or something, I don’t know, cause then they wood sleep with her her. I don’t know. And like, there were other things, you know? Like they would have happened even if I hadn’t initiated them, and if I hadn’t initiated them, then they would have and that would have been like actual ra- Like, I couldn’t really deal with that? It still wasn’t fun and it made me want to die a lot, mostly, but I mean. I don’t know. I was being dumb, probably.” Audrey’s thumb stills. “I’m being dumb,” she adds, because she is, and the whole thing is dumb, and she doesn’t know what she was supposed to say and she’s pretty sure she said the wrong thing.

She feels Audrey sit up beside her, then Lonnie, so she sits up, too. She doesn’t think she can look any of them in the eyes, so she doesn’t, just bows her head slightly and watches her fingers tangle themselves together in her lap.

“Okay, first of all,” Audrey starts. “That was not at all dumb. You are not being dumb. You were not being dumb. There is absolutely nothing dumb about any of that.” She sounds sure, and Evie wants to cry, but she just shrugs slightly. She starts tracing her fingers over her wrists, and then, mostly without even realizing it, scratching at her skin, especially in the places where the bone is closer to the surface. Audrey seems to notice, however, and reaches forward to take one of Evie’s hands again. Evie blushes. This whole thing is really embarrassing.

“Evie,” Lonnie says. Evie looks up, but Lonnie looks a little like she might cry, too, and Evie doesn’t think she can watch her speak. She tries to take a calming breath, but it catches in her throat. “You know what you’re talking about, right?” Lonnie asks, voice wavering ever so slightly. Evie shrugs again. “No, seriously. You’re talking about sexual assault, and you’re probably talking about straight forward rape, too.” Evie winces there, and there’s really not anything she can do about it. Her face burns darker and she shrugs again.

“That’s a big deal, and it’s fine if-”

“Can we just not talk about it right now?” Evie asks, cutting Lonnie off. She starts off strong, but her voice weakens with every word. “I just want to not talk about it now. Sorry,” she whispers. She’s watching Lonnie out of the corner of her eye, and she sees her face soften. Then, after a bit of awkward rearranging, Lonnie climbs behind Evie so that Evie’s between Aria and Audrey and leaning back against Lonnie. She hates the feeling of people touching her, but this is almost nice.

“Sorry for bringing it up,” Aria says after a moment, half joking and half serious as hell. Evie shrugs again.

“It’s fine. It’s my fault anyway,” she tells her. She feels Lonnie tense under her, and Audrey’s thumb pauses again.

“Okay, no,” Aria says. Evie blushes again.

“Sorry. I meant like, it’s my fault for bringing it up?” she says, but it comes out more like a question, and it was a weak statement to begin with.

“No you didn’t,” Aria says confidently.

“Yeah. I know. Sorry.” Aria leans back into her.

“Don't apologize,” Lonnie says.

They stay in those positions for almost twenty minutes, barely talking, before Audrey gets up to put on some movie. Evie doesn’t pay much attention, but she’s pretty sure it’s a good movie; it might just be the sort of comforting ambience of the room, though. She really can’t be sure.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I'M SO SORRY. SO SORRY. I HAVE NO EXCUSES. NONE. I AM THE WORST. SO SORRY
> 
> 2\. Like so sorry.
> 
> 3\. So like probably definitely going to end up writing something for another fucking disney channel movie and I despise myself, but Lemonade Mouth is, in fact, the best movie to ever exist in the world ever, so...
> 
> 4\. Lady Gaga is the best. Just by the way. 
> 
> 5\. Seriously, sooooooo sorry.

“Hey, E,” Carlos calls, jogging down the hall to catch up with her. She slows down to make it easier, but doesn’t stop.

“Do you know where you’re going for winter break?” he asks and, _shit_ , she does not. At all. Somehow she’d even managed to forget that she needs to. 

“Umm…” Evie trails off, somehow not quite sure what she’s supposed to say to that. She sort of feels suddenly paralyzed, but there’s only two minutes before D period so she really needs to move. 

“Okay sorry for bringing it up, because I know it’s stressful, but we need to know like, very soon. And I’m going with Ben. He just offered this morning. And if you guys don’t find someone to stay with then I know Ben can help, is all,” Carlos explains, almost hopping to keep up with her long strides. Sometimes she forgets how short Carlos is. And okay, it’s not really fair to call him short, because he’s still an inch taller than her and about three taller than Mal, but Evie’s also in four inch heels, like constantly, and has a tendency to walk much too quickly. He wouldn’t be so short if he wore heels, too. 

She doesn’t say anything to respond, and Carlos sort of drops it as they walk into history. They take the same seats they always do, on the left side of the room with Evie between Lonnie and Jay and Carlos between Jay and Ben.

Evie wishes that she didn’t spend not only the entirety of history but also of the whole day thinking almost completely about what the fuck she’s going to do for winter break. And really, not even just what _she’s_ going to do, because she knows Mal doesn’t have somewhere to stay, yet, and she highly doubts Jay does either.

And it’s fine, really, except that’s a complete lie, and Evie’s actually sort of freaking out. She eats lunch without considering trying to get out of it, and she almost doesn’t hate the weight of the food in her stomach. Or, she does hate it, but it’s also distracting her from the terrifying prospect of learning that no one is willing to take her. 

She only has remedial goodness with Mal, and she’s able to school her face into looking only moderately worried, which is close enough to her usual expression that she thinks Mal doesn’t really notice, thank god.

She doesn’t take in anything in her last two classes, but she’s doing remarkably well in both of them (heroism and basic chivalry), so it’s not like it really matters. She just needs to get through dinner and do some homework and then she can take a shower and go to bed. Hopefully she’ll feel better tomorrow. 

Evie can still feel her lunch in her stomach, but she sits down at the table with a plate full of food at dinner, anyway. She starts eating, but she doesn’t taste anything except for dread and the rusty taste of blood from when she bit though the inside of her lip earlier. She clears away her dishes, still inordinately anxious and unaware of her surroundings. 

She gets back to the room before Mal, which isn’t really surprising, since Mal was actually involved in a conversation with their _friends_ , like normal people tend to do, and like Evie tends to avoid. It’s times like this (and also like all the other times she’s conscious) that Evie wishes she were less fucked up. It would honestly make things a hell of a lot easier.

She toes off her shoes and kicks them towards her closet, not really caring about what is or is not cluttering the floor. She runs a hand through her hair and wiggles out of her socks. If there were anyone else in the room she’d be horribly embarrassed about how much effort she’s going to in order to avoid just bending over. It’s ridiculous. 

She slips out of the jacket she’s still wearing, too, and climbs into bed in her black skinny jeans and rust-red tank top that it’s honestly way too cold for her to wear. Her bed is comfortable; sometimes she just lies there and thinks about how much _more_ comfortable it is than her bed back on the Isle. It doesn’t feel like she should call the Isle home, either. Everything’s gotten weird. 

Evie hates when she gets like this, all anxiety and cold fingers, because she has a hard time focusing on any one subject and all she’s able to think about are things that make her lips tremble and her legs feel like pretzel sticks and her hands feel not quite attached to her fingers, like she needs to crack her knuckles a hundred times before it’s right. 

She presses her thumb and forefinger into the bones in her right wrist and squeezes, huddling herself under the covers. The warmth helps, she’ll admit, and so does the softness of just being in bed. She’d like to believe she could just continue lying there for ever, or at least for ages, but it’s a Monday, and she still has school tomorrow, and the next three days, and then another week, and then exams, and then no where to fucking stay. 

She hears the door click open. From her spot on the bed she can just barely see Mal walk in. Even in her state of absolute and unreasonable anxiety, she feels a rush of affection. Mal starts across the room, and Evie more hears than sees her stop in her tracks.

“Evie?” Evie hates that she has to actually work up the energy to respond. Fucking pathetic.

“Yeah?” she manages. Her voice almost cracks on that one word; it doesn’t, but still. 

Mal doesn’t reply, but Evie hears her kicking off her own shoes and then Mal’s climbing into her bed beside her. 

“Hey,” she says. Evie doesn’t feel like she can smile, and she doesn’t really want to if she’s being honest, but somehow she does anyway. It’s small, but it’s there. 

“Hey.” Mal’s lying on top of the comforter on her stomach, arms folder under her head and face turned toward Evie. She looks absolutely breathtaking. (Like always.)  Evie is one hundred and fifty thousand percent sure her heart is melting into a pile of mushy goop or boiling butter or something ridiculous because Mal is probably the prettiest person on earth. Approximately.

“What’s up?” Mal asks, and, honestly, it’s not even like she’s pretending to be casual, and Evie would usually feel like she shouldn’t say something, like it would only bother Mal, but for some reason, for some _inexplicable_ reason, Mal seems to actually like Evie, despite everything, and Evie doubts this will be the last straw. 

“What if no one wants me to stay with them for winter break?” She sounds so small, even to her own ears, and she feels blood rush up her neck and into her cheeks in the same way it always does. Mal pulls her lip between her teeth and draws her eyebrows together, just slightly, and, _fuck_ , it’s hotter than Evie wants it to be, really.

“Well that’s ridiculous,” Mal exclaims, sitting up without warning. For a second Evie thinks she’s just going to up and leave, but then she’s scooting under the covers and closer to Evie. She lies on her back now, eyes on the ceiling. “I was actually just talking to Lonnie and Audrey about break plans. Lonnie’s thinking she can take you and Audrey will take me, which is a good plan, except that Audrey’s family wants me at least fatally wounded, and I don’t know if Audrey feels much differently.” It’s so nonchalant, and Evie can’t help but laugh at Mal’s matter-of-factness. 

Mal turns her head toward Evie with a fake glare, but there’s a shine in her eyes that says the exact opposite of what she’s trying to convey. 

“Does Lonnie really want to have me over?” Evie asks, still too tentative for it to not be mortifying. 

“Yes, dummy,” Mal sighs, still smiling. “She’s gotta talk to her family more, but she thinks it should work. Doug will probably end up taking Jay, because the only other options are Chad and Jane, really, and he hates Chad and definitely does _not_ want to stay on campus, so.”

Evie really has no idea what to say to Mal at this point, because for some reason she was so _sure_ that she would have nowhere to go, or at least that no one would think of it and she’d have to bring it up, which she really highly doubts she could do. She stays silent, sort of staring at Mal and sort of wishing her hands weren’t so cold.

“Why would you think no one would take you?” Mal asks, soft and firm somehow at once. Evie shrugs as best she can while lying on her side. 

“I don’t know. Just…” The answer is anxiety and self-esteem issues and her mother never wanting her home, but that seems like much too serious an answer. “I don’t think right a lot,” she finally says, deciding that that’s about the best explanation she’s going to get without actually having to _say_ stuff. Mal rolls her eyes, but it’s not condescending and it’s not offensive, it’s just a response.

“Yeah but you’re still like the best person ever,” she tells her, smiling but serious. And Evie would be embarrassed that her heart stops beating, like completely, except she doesn’t have time to because Mal rolls over and kisses her. On the mouth. 

It’s too much of a rush, even though she’s kissed Mal before; it still feels suspiciously like explosives and narcotics and caffeine. Evie loves it and hates it all at once. Mostly loves it. Definitely loves it. 

She brings her hands up and winds her fingers, still too cold, through Mal’s hair. Mal shivers as they rake across her scalp but she makes absolutely no effort to stop her. Mal moves her own hands to Evie, and there’s one at her waist and one between her shoulder blades and Evie doesn’t even care that someone, that _Mal_ , is touching her stomach, because _holy shit_. 

Evie feels like this definitely isn’t real, which is sort of how she feels whenever Mal even pecks her on the cheek so, needless to say, Evie’s definitely overwhelmed.

But it’s good. It’s _so_ good, and they stay like that, just kissing, until Mal rolls onto her back, pulling Evie on top of her. And then they’re making out again, and Evie does not care _at all_ that she is sitting on someone with basically her whole weight; she barely even thinks about it, because Mal is so beautiful. Like, _so beautiful_ , and currently kissing Evie like she’s the only thing that matters and Evie feels like, yep, she’s _definitely_ dying, but in a different way than usual. 

Evie has no idea how long they stay like that before Mal pulls away, gasping and smiling, and pushes on Evie, just slightly. Evie sits up, looking down at Mal’s flushes face. The lipstick Evie  is was wearing, red and darker than she usually wears, is smeared around Mal’s mouth and it’s undeniably and infuriatingly hot. Evie does not want to stop kissing her. 

“What?” she asks, and honestly it’s more of a whine. She considers the possibility that Mal’s decided she doesn’t like Evie anymore, or doesn’t think she’s attractive at least, for more than a second, but Evie feels her eyebrows draw together and her mouth turn down in a pout. Mal’s face goes almost as red as the lipstick and her fingers dig deeper into Evie’s side and shoulder.

“You’re making this so difficult,” Mal tells her. Evie clearly looks just as confused as she feels. “I have to do homework. _You_ have to do homework. But it’s hard to think about anything else with you looking like, like _that_.” And Evie really has no idea what she means because she’s just, she’s _her_ , but she still understands. 

They stay there, motionless except for the heaving rise and fall of their chests, until Mal jerks her knees to the right, causing Evie to topple back over onto her side. She lets out a rather undignified yelp, and Mal grins like she’s won something. Evie glares at her, but Mal just softens her smile and takes her hand. They have to do homework if they don’t want to fail all their classes, but a few more minutes can’t hurt. 

And it really is just a few more minutes. Evie’s the first to sit back up, sighing, but Mal follows suit immediately after. They both slip out of Evie’s bed to grab their books and such, and Evie realizes how much better she actually feels. It’s a little sad how much of a hold Mal has on her, but it’s not a bad thing, so Evie thinks it’s probably fine as long as Mal continues to like her back. 

She’s been working on chemistry for close to an hour and she is _so close_ to being finished when she looks up at Mal, who happens to be looking at her. Evie doesn’t mean to start laughing, really, but Mal’s still got Evie’s lipstick stained around her mouth and it’s simultaneously adorable, hot, and ridiculous.

It takes Mal a few seconds to realize what Evie’s laughing at, but when she does she starts laughing too. Evie’s still giggling and giddy when she finishes her chem homework and decides it might be good to talk to Lonnie. She’s feeling better now, but there’s a very good chance she’ll wake up in the morning feeling awful again. 

“I’m going to Lonnie’s room to ask about break,” Evie announces. Mal glances at the clock on her bedside table and nods.

“Be back before ten please. I don’t want you getting in trouble.” And honestly, that’s one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to her, which is ridiculous, but true, and it really is sweet.

“Yeah I will,” Evie nods, already crossing the room to the door. She has almost half an hour; it’ll be fine. She wants to say ‘I love you,’ but she doesn’t know if she should, and by the times she decides it’d probably be okay she’s hesitated too long with the door opened and it would just be weird.

She knocks on Lonnie’s door and her hands barely even shake, which, _improvement_ , for sure, but still pathetic. 

“Who is it?” someone calls, and Evie’s only a little ashamed she can’t actually tell if it’s Lonnie or Audrey. 

“Evie,” she responds, probably a little too quiet for them to hear without straining.

“Yeah, come in.” And it’s definitely Audrey. Evie opens the door to see them on opposite ends of the couch, both slightly curled up with textbooks on their laps. Evie’s pretty sure she’s seen more studying this past week than the entire rest of the semester. Lonnie looks up. 

“Hey I’ve been meaning to talk to you about staying with me over break,” Lonnie says and thank god, honestly, Evie really doesn’t think she would have been able to bring it up, ridiculous as that is. 

“Oh, awesome. That’s what I wanted to ask you about,” Evie says, and she feels slightly less like she might combust from sheer anxiety and pressure; just slightly, but it is something. 

“Yeah so I was planning on calling my mom tomorrow, and I’m just gonna talk to her about it then,” Lonnie says. “If it’s okay with you, of course,” she rushes to add as if Evie would for some reason not want to stay with her. (As if Evie actually has anywhere else _to_ stay.) 

“Okay that’s fine,” Evie nods. She’s still just standing there, though.

“She’ll probably say yes. I’ve mentioned it before,” Lonnie tells her. 

“Yep.” Wow. That was definitely a great way to contribute to the conversation. Great job. “Okay cool I’ll talk to you tomorrow!” Evie exclaims and it’s way louder and more sporadic than she wanted. Audrey snorts. 

“You’re so awkward,” she marvels. Evie starts to blush and she sort of wants to die but then, “It’s _adorable_!” And, okay, that doesn’t _sound_ like an insult, but no one’s ever called her extreme lack of social adeptness _adorable_ before, and Evie can’t really tell if she means it as a good or bad thing, or even if she actually means it at all. 

“Cool,” Evie says after at least half a minute of silence. “Bye!” She turns on her heel and leaves the room as quickly as she can with her fingers fumbling over the doorknob. She hears Audrey laughing as she closes the door, but it doesn’t sound mean, and Evie thinks it’s maybe affectionate. Maybe. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry!!! part 347. I posted a chapter earlier, but then I realized that I'd written and posted a chapter I totally forgot about that wasn't a part of my doc or something??? so the first half of the chapter I had made Zero sense and I had to like move the end to the next chapter and add a bunch at the beginning so now it's very long and not very happy? 
> 
> hopefully the next one will be up soon, tho b/c I have a lot of it written and I'm In The Mood. we'll see. 
> 
> sorry if anyone's still reading this! I'm the worst about updating.

She didn’t think it would be weird, somehow, but it is, having her friends know now literally all of her secrets. It’s only a little weird, but still. Someone will make some sex joke and Lonnie’s first reaction now seems to be to look at Evie, and she can feel Aria looking at her in class any time they happen to be discussing or reading about or hinting at anything somewhat related to sexual assault. Audrey’s good about it, honestly, and somehow Evie’s not surprised at all. 

It makes her feel lighter, just the tiniest bit, which is cliche as can be, but not a bad thing, for sure. To be fair, that feeling might also come from knowing that she and her friends all have somewhere to stay for winter break. On Tuesday at lunch Lonnie tells her that she’d talked to her mom and her mom had talked to the school and Evie could stay with them. Evie almost started crying, but that was partially because she’d just taken a really difficult history test and gotten a B-, which isn’t  _ bad _ , but also isn’t the grade she wanted. 

When she gets back to the room after class, Mal is doing Latin homework, which  _ gross _ , but she tells Mal, and Mal says that she’s for sure staying with Audrey, too.

“I’m a little worried her family’s going to, like, throw me off a cliff or something, but it should be fine.” Evie laughs, but she’s also pretty sure Mal can tell she’s now concerned.

“I wouldn’t blame them if they did, honestly, because my my mom was an absolute bitch to them,” she adds. Evie frowns.

“You’re not your mom, though.” Mal shrugs.

“I know, and Audrey’s not her mom, either. Or her grandmother, for that matter. But still. I mean,” she shrugs. “Audrey said it would be fine, and that her family actually really wants to have me. She said she told them I was actually really nice, or at least not a complete asshole, and they think it would be a good way to like, make up between our families. Or, really, between their family and me. I think it’d be good, too,” she explains. 

“Okay, but I don’t want you to be murdered, please.” Mal laughs at that and Evie starts to glow.

“Speaking of Audrey,” Mal says. “Do you want to hang out with the girls this weekend? I think Jane, too.” Evie shrugs.

“I mean yeah, of course.” Mal smiles at her, then goes back to her book.

The rest of the week goes by chokingly slowly; it’s boring and long and Evie feels strangely lethargic by the end of it. She takes an incredibly long shower Friday night and wakes up late Saturday morning. Mal’s not in the room, and while Evie doesn’t know where she is, she doesn’t worry about it, either. It’s too late to go to breakfast, and it’s almost time for lunch, really, so Evie’s pretty sure it doesn’t even matter. 

She pulls herself out of bed. Once she’s used the bathroom, she starts on her makeup, deciding that actually doing her makeup, like  _ all _ of it, will make her feel more awake. It does, actually, and by the time she’s done she’s even sort of proud. 

She moves to her closet and pulls out a pair of high-waisted black jeans and a dark red shirt that’s a little tighter than Evie’s really comfortable with, but whatever. She’ll be wearing a coat if she has to leave the room, anyway. She decides she might as well knock out some homework, and so she gets back in her bed with her English book. 

She generally likes reading well enough, and she likes this book, so it barely even feels like homework, really. They’re about two thirds of the way through, now, and it’s getting heartbreakingly good. 

Mal comes back when she’s halfway through the second assigned chapter, apparently from walking around with Carlos. Her nose is red from the cold and she smiles when she sees Evie. 

“Hey,” she says as she unties her shoes. 

“Hey yourself.” She can see Mal roll her eyes, but she’s also smiling. Once her shoes and coat are off Mal gets in bed beside Evie with her own copy of the English book. 

“Lonnie thinks we should just like go chill in town or something. Eat some dinner,” Mal says. Evie nods, even though the thought of food, and especially the thought of a restaurant, still makes her stomach churn.

“We’d leave around four-ish,” Mal adds. 

“Yeah, okay. Someone should tell her.” It’s quiet for a minute.

“Yeah, someone should,” Mal says. Evie smiles but makes no effort to get up. 

They tell Lonnie at lunch, and confirm the plans with Audrey, Aria, and Jane. Jane’s going to drive, because her car’s the only one big enough to hold five passengers, even though her mother isn’t super big on her hauling around teenagers. 

They go to a movie, because what else do they ever do, and Evie only feels pretty bad about someone else paying for her this time as opposed to super bad, like she usually seems to. The movie is good. Not spectacular, but good, and it’s almost 7:00 by the time they get out. 

They end up going to a diner in town; it’s very old fashioned, a milkshakes and french fries and apple pie kind of place. Evie thinks she’d love it if she wasn’t so stressed out. There’s hardly anyone else in there, just a couple in their mid twenties on the other side of the room. Mal slides into a booth near the door, and Evie sits down next to her. Jane and Audrey sit down on the other side, and Aria and Lonnie pull up chairs to sit on the end. 

A guy who looks about college aged, comes up and asks if they’d like anything to drink. Lonnie and Audrey decide that they all should get milkshakes and some fries for the table to give them time to figure out what to order. They have six shake flavors, and they unanimously decide to get them all. Evie orders a cherry shake, Mal gets vanilla, Jane gets huckleberry (which Evie’s never heard of), Audrey gets strawberry, Aria gets cookies & cream, and Lonnie gets chocolate. 

The waiter—Cal, according to his name tag—has to make two trips to the table, even with the trays, and they end up sipping on shakes with three baskets of fries spread across the table. Evie only eats a few of the french fries, but she does try all the shakes, and she does a pretty good job of not thinking too much about the eating thing. 

Mal, Lonnie, and Aria order burgers, and Aria gets more fries while Mal and Lonnie both get tater tots; Jane gets meatloaf and mashed potatoes; Evie gets a salad with chicken, because as much as she wants to make the others  proud not unhappy, she can’t hold that much food in her stomach; and, after much deliberation, Audrey orders a BLT with potato chips. So, generally a whole lot of potatoes, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

As soon as the waiter leaves the table after taking their order, Audrey, eyes wide and grinning, says, “Lonnie, Lonnie, he looks like—”

“I know,” Lonnie groans, dropping her head into her hands.

“Who?” Mal asks.

“Lonnie’s ex,” Jane says.

“Okay, he’s not so much my  _ ex _ —”

“No, he’s your ex,” Audrey decides. Mal and Evie have no idea what’s going on; Aria looks a little confused, but far less than Evie and Mal. 

“Explain?” Mal suggest. Lonnie sighs overdramatically. 

“She had this thing with this guy named Garrison last year. Lonnie says they weren’t really dating, he says they were. They broke up—” 

“Well Chad thinks you’re dating,” Lonnie interjects. Audrey rolls her eyes.

“Chad  _ wishes _ we were dating.” Lonnie shrugs her concession because, yeah, that’s true. “Anyway, they broke up, or stopped ‘hanging out’ when he graduated. They’re… friends?” she asks Lonnie. Lonnie shrugs.

“Hell if I know.” Evie and Audrey both laugh. “Anyway, the waiter looks just like Garry. Weirdly so.” Their conversation moves toward much more boring, school related talk until their food comes. 

There’s something about the crowded table with too many dishes and the dull burn of the fluorescent lights that makes the diner feel liminal and infinite. It’s even quieter for a few minutes while they eat, and Evie doesn’t want to be the one to break the silence, so she dutifully spears lettuce leafs and shoves them into her mouth. 

“I’m glad you two are dating,” Aria says a few minutes later, effectively breaking the silence and making Evie blush like an idiot. Or a tomato. A stupid tomato. 

“And I’m glad you’re eating,” Audrey says, which, for one thing, apparently this has turned into ‘make Evie uncomfortable?’ And, also, that’s not something Jane actually knows about, and Evie has a split second of half-wanting to kick Audrey under the table before she realizes that, let’s be real, there’s no way Jane doesn’t know. 

“And I’m glad you told us about that stuff. With the guys. Even if you like, didn’t really want to,” Aria tells her. And, well, Evie really can’t be mad at her, because she’s being sweet and she doesn’t mean any harm, but she’d still rather not talk about it and she’d especially rather not talk about it in a public place with someone who for real doesn’t know about this at the table. 

Except then Jane says, “What stuff?” and when Evie looks up at her, she can tell Jane already knows exactly what they’re talking about, but she answers anyway. 

“Just some stuff that happened with some men back on the Isle,” Evie shrugs, unable to meet anyone’s eyes. “It’s not a big deal.” Lonnie tenses up slightly, pursing her lips, and she knows she shouldn’t have said that even before the words left her mouth. It just seemed like the thing to say at the time, or at least the thing to make everyone stop talking about it.

Lonnie doesn’t speak to Evie for all of Sunday  _ and  _ Monday; she gets one question about her day on Tuesday. Evie doesn’t know what she did wrong. Lonnie’s quieter than usual, granted, but she still sits near Evie at lunch and in classes and she still talks to some of the people around them, just not to Evie. And, honestly, Evie’s been trying to not take everything so personally, but it’s sort of hard not to when she’s the only one being ignored. 

So, all in all, Evie’s spent the last five meals staring at Lonnie out of the corner of her eye, trying to figure out what she did wrong. She feels Audrey watching her sometimes, and it feels weirdly sympathetic, which definitely isn’t a good sign. She doesn’t know what she’s done, and her first thought is that Lonnie’s finally realized how awful she is. (It’s really more like her first ten thousand thoughts, but that’s Evie’s business.)

She gets fed up (read: upset) Wednesday at lunch, and she rushes through finishing as little food as she thinks she can get away with before leaving the table. She goes back to her room to  wallow sit in bed. A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. Did Mal forget her key or something?

Evie gets up, anyway, regardless of how heavy she feels. She opens up the door and Audrey is standing outside, looking like she was just about to knock again. 

“Hey,” she says. “Can I come in?” Evie shrugs, stepping back to let her into the room. 

“You okay?” Audrey asks after she shuts the door behind her. Evie shrugs again, then remembers that she should probably be trying to convince Audrey that, yes, she’s perfectly fine, thanks. She smiles. 

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Audrey just fixes her with a stare, eyebrows raised and arms crossed. Evie sighs.

“Do you know what I did?” Evie asks, her voice smaller than she wants it to be.

“You didn’t do anything,” Audrey sighs. Evie sits down on the edge of her bed, picking at a loose thread of the comforter.

“Is it about…” 

“What you said at the diner?” Audrey finishes. 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” They’re both quiet for a moment.

“Is she mad at me or something?” Evie whispers. Audrey starts to rub her hand over her eyes, seems to remember she’s wearing eye makeup, and moves to sit down beside Evie.

“She’s just being weird. You should talk to her. She did this for almost two weeks after I talked to her about this guy trying to screw me freshman year,” Audrey tells her. Evie immediately feels awful and selfish and, well, a little like a horrible person for not thinking that some of her friends have probably had similar experiences, but she knows Audrey’s not trying to make her feel bad. She can’t really think of anything else, though.

“I… Oh,” Evie finally decides on, which,  _ why _ ? That’s like one of the least intelligent things she could have said.

“You can ask about you know,” Audrey says, lying down on Evie’s bed with her knees hanging off the edge. Evie leans back next to her. 

“I don’t want to like…” she trails off. She can tell Audrey’s smiling.

“Babe, it’s fine. I even went to therapy and stuff.” Evie’s heart stalls for a moment, at how casually she says that. “I can talk about it. There was this guy, Trevor, at the beginning of freshman year. We sort of had a thing, but I wanted a boyfriend and he just really wanted to sleep with me. He had this weird thing about me being ‘Sleeping Beauty’s Daughter’ or something. But he was nice to me, and he was a junior, and he was on the tourney team, and everyone seemed to like him, so I thought it was fine. 

“But he kept trying to do stuff with me that I didn’t really want to do, and he’d get pissed when I said no, but he’d drop it for a little bit, at least.” Evie feels Audrey take a deep breath beside her, and she realizes that this means they’re actually friends, like  _ for real _ , and she actually really cares about Audrey. 

“And then I sort of stopped saying no, or at least gave in after he bugged me about it for a while, and I was basically giving him a bunch of hangjobs that I didn’t want to be giving, but I thought that was normal for a high school relationship or something. And then one night when Lonnie was home and I was still in the dorm, I woke up and he was on top of me. I have no idea how he got in the room, but I was freaked out, and he was super hard, and he told me he’d hurt me and tell everyone how much of a slut I was if I didn’t suck him off, so I did. 

“And it was awful. I couldn’t eat for a week because I couldn’t stand the feeling of anything in my mouth, and I cried everyday in the shower, and I couldn’t sleep without triple checking that the door was locked and leaving the light on, and then I told Fairy Godmother. He got expelled almost immediately, and I felt really bad about that, even though I knew he deserved it. I said something to Lonnie about feeling bad and like I ruined his life, even though that was ridiculous, and she didn’t speak to me for like two weeks until I talked to her.” This is probably the most Audrey’s ever said to her, and Evie’s really glad they’re friends. 

“She’s not mad at you, E. Really. She just doesn’t know how to help. You should talk to her.” 

“Okay,” Evie nods. “I love you,” she adds awkwardly. Audrey laughs, full-force.

“I love you, too, Evie,” she says, and she’s clearly humoring her, but there’s no judgement in her tone; she manages to avoid sounding exasperated or condescending and, yeah, Evie’s really glad they’re friends.

Evie’s really glad that she talked to Audrey, but it doesn’t change the fact that Lonnie’s not speaking to her and Evie is  _ super _ bad at confrontation. 

It only makes it worse when they’re paired up for an in class project in English. Honestly, they’d usually be pretty much the dream team, but Lonnie won’t meet her eyes and now Evie can’t stop shaking. Lonnie opens their book of short stories and Evie closes her eyes, trying not to think about it.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, right as Lonnie opens her mouth, presumably to talk about the project or something else normal and not terrifying. And, okay, that’s really not what Evie wanted to or should have said, but here she is. Lonnie pauses, and Evie can see her deflate, just the smallest bit, and then tense up even more than before. 

“For what?” Lonnie sighs, like she’s bracing herself, and Evie can tell Lonnie knows what conversation she’s trying to have, or not have, maybe. Evie shrugs, staring more intently at the text of the story. 

“I don’t know. You’re mad at me or something,” she says, somehow even softer than the last time. Lonnie doesn’t sigh this time, but she doesn’t say anything for more than a minute, either, so Evie looks back to her book, trying to focus on the symbolism of the rabbits; she’d normally be able to get it pretty quickly, but there are tears building up in her eyes and she doesn’t know what she’s done. 

“I’m not mad at you, Evie,” Lonnie finally says, softer than Evie was hoping for. Lonnie sounds like she means it, but Evie still doesn’t dare look up at her. “I just don’t know… I just, oh god. I know this is so unfair of me, and I’m so sorry, but all that stuff you were talking about the other night…” Evie’s pretty sure her entire chest fills with water or something equally as unreasonable and overdramatic. “That’s rape. Like, that’s just rape. And I don’t know how to help you, and I really don’t know if like… you won’t say it is. I don’t know. I’m so sorry, Evie.”

And she sounds it, she really does, Evie just doesn’t know what she should tell her. There’s an awkward three or four minutes of silence, which, granted, isn’t really any more uncomfortable than the actual talking, but still. 

“I do know,” Evie finally whispers. She hears and feels Lonnie looking at her, but she can’t bring herself to meet her eyes. “What it is, I mean. There’s nothing I can do about it, though. I don’t like thinking about it and I know what it—I know that it’s, it’s rape, I do, but I don’t want to have to say that. I don’t want you to like, worry about something you have no control over or to think I’m like weak or whatever.” She hears Lonnie start to protest before she even finishes the sentence, but she pushes on in a slightly louder whisper.

“I know that’s ridiculous. I just have… I don’t actually really think that. Most of the time, at least. Or like… It’s complicated. I don’t know what you want to me say.” She just wants Lonnie to stop not-speaking to her. “I’m sorry,” she adds. Lonnie shakes her head. 

“No, please don’t apologize. I’m being absolutely ridiculous and  _ I’m _ sorry. Audrey’s been yelling at me about it and I know she’s right and I know you’re right, I just care about you and I hate not being able to do anything,” Lonnie shrugs. Evie’s heart swells at both the thought of Audrey doing anything to stand up for her and Lonnie actually saying that she cares about her, as pathetic as she knows that is. 

“I promise I’ll stop being a total asshole, though,” Lonnie says, and Evie smiles, partially because Lonnie was far from even sort of an asshole these past few days, and practically a goddess on most others. Evie really doesn’t know how or why these wonderful people are friends with her, but she definitely appreciates it immensely. 

Evie smiles at her. Lonnie smiles back. They actually start their project; they’ve wasted more time than they should have, but they still do better than almost any other group, mainly because of Lonnie’s ridiculous talent in English and Evie’s fear of doing poorly.

It seems like there’s still loads of time before exams and winter break, but then Evie wakes up one Sunday and exams are tomorrow. She knows she’s been studying and turning in papers and taking tests and kissing Mal and freaking out and taking more tests, but it feels strangely like time just evaporated. She’s lucky that none of her classes have been all that hard, at least. She’s the most worried about history and heroism because they’re both going to be long tests with lots of facts and dates and trick questions, but she doesn’t think she’ll  _ fail _ . 

“At least we have Remedial Goodness first,” Mal remarks later that afternoon. Evie smiles, mostly because she’s in love with Mal and only a little bit because that exam is basically an automatic A. Fairy Godmother wouldn’t tell them exactly what would be on it, but they’re all pretty sure it’ll be a short (and very easy) multiple choice test followed by a short essay, which Evie knows she can knock out in basically no time. And she has math that afternoon, which isn’t the most fun, but it’s also not something she hates, and it’s something she’s pretty good at, so, probably not too bad, really. 

And it’s not. Monday goes even better than Evie expected, and Tuesday, while a little more difficult in the morning, is not much worse. They have both a written and lab examination in both magical plants  _ and _ chemistry, so it’s a little stressful, honestly, but chemistry’s Evie’s best class so at least she doesn’t have to worry about that part. 

Wednesday is history and heroism on the same day, and it’s honestly embarrassing how stressed out Evie gets about it. She almost seriously freaks out the night before, and Mal has to take a break from her own studying for math and history to just sit with Evie for a few minutes. Evie feels really bad about it, but Mal just kisses her and tells her it’s much more fun than studying, anyway. 

Honestly, both exams go better than she was expecting. Which, to be fair, is about as well as she  _ actually _ thought they would go if she managed to like, completely ignore her anxiety and pretend she was a normal person or whatever. 

Despite her history exam going fine in the morning, Evie doesn’t eat lunch. Which, to be fair, she  _ was _ actually studying for heroism, so it’s not like she  _ totally _ just didn’t eat because she didn’t want to eat, it’s just mostly like that. But, honestly, it’s really not that big of a deal; everyone skips a meal sometimes. And she’s not lying to anyone or anything; she just doesn’t show up and instead sits in the library for the full two hours of lunch during exams (except for a short bathroom break). People can assume or infer or deduce what they will. 

She knows it’s not what she  _ should _ be doing (or at least what everyone wants her to be doing), but exams are stressful, even for high school, and not eating, right now, gives her some control over something. Plus, honestly, Evie’s not sure she could’ve taken the history exam with food in her stomach, and the heroism exam is supposed to be very similar. She’d rather not risk it. 

She goes straight to her room after heroism to study a little for tomorrow and take a nap. Mostly to take a nap. She just has basic chivalry and English tomorrow, anyway, and chivalry will be easy as shit and there’s not much more she can do for English at this point. 

Mal’s not back yet when she gets into the room, so she toes off her shoes and strips off her jacket. She pulls her English book out of her bag and pads over to her bed, piling the blankets on top of her once she’s sitting down. She’s not cold, but there’s something comforting about the weight. Actually, she’s pretty warm, and so, with a sigh, she pushes the blankets back off to take off her sweater, leaving her in just her leggings and cutoff t shirt. 

She gets back under the covers, lying down. She tries holding the book over her face for a while as she flips through looking for quotations, but her arms get tired, so she turns to her side. She gets about halfway through before it starts taking more effort than she’s willing to put into it, so she lets her head drop onto her arms. 

She raises her head back up a moment later, reaching towards her bedside table. She fumbles around until she finds the alarm clock. After pulling it off the table and onto the bed, setting an alarm for 6:15 so she’ll be up in time for dinner. She’d rather not go, but she’s not stupid, and she’d rather get up and go herself than have someone drag her there. The lesser of two evils, or whatever. Evie half places half tosses the clock back on the table and drops her head back onto the pillow.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk. I love y'all; thanks for continuing to read this shit

Mal comes in sometime after Evie’s fallen asleep. She doesn’t know when, because she’s asleep, but the light outside has changed at least a little bit. She wakes up when she hears the door open. Mal turns off the light as she steps into the room; it’s still bright enough for Evie to see her from her bed. Mal kicks off her shoes, too, and walks over to Evie’s bed, flicking on the lamp on her bedside table then climbing in beside Evie. They’re quiet for a few minutes. Mal finds Evie’s hand under the covers and takes it, rubbing her thumb back and forth. Evie is halfway to falling back asleep and halfway to kissing her.

“You didn’t come to lunch today,” Mal says softly. Evie definitely wishes she’d gone ahead and fallen back asleep, but, oh well.

“No,” she agrees. She doesn’t look at her, but there’s no point in lying. Mal sighs, but Evie can tell she’s smiling.

“You’re gonna have to eat dinner, you know.”

“I know,” Evie says. It’s quiet for a minute more as Evie listens to Mal’s even breathing.

“I was just stressed out,” she adds. “And I didn’t want to eat.” She hears Mal try to cover up a snort, and she continues, “More than usual, I mean.” Mal’s actually laughing now, though. “Shut up,” Evie whines, grinning.

Mal doesn’t shut up, though, so Evie rolls over so she’s facing her, stares at her for a few seconds, and kisses her.

Mal seems incredibly unsurprised; within nanoseconds she’s kissing Evie back, rolling on top of her. Evie’s momentarily shocked, but it takes her approximately no time to get over it. Mal’s still kissing her, and Evie doesn’t know what to do with her hands or, well, her entire body. Evie wonders for a moment if her breath is bad; she hasn’t brushed her teeth since this morning, after all, but then she decides it doesn’t matter, because Mal’s kissing her anyway. And then Mal’s pulling away, gasping, and Evie realizes that she really has to breathe.

She gulps in the air she didn’t know she needed as she takes Mal in; she looks beautiful, sitting above her, cheeks flushed and hair falling out of the bun she had it in. Granted, Mal always looks beautiful, but Evie’s pretty sure she could get used to this. Mal laughs and, still smiling, runs her fingers through her hair to pull out the hair tie. She slips it on her wrist as she looks at Evie.

And then Mal’s kissing her again, which, really, _holy shit_ , and Mal is on top of her, which, also, _holy shit_ . Every time they stop kissing to breathe, all Evie can see is Mal’s eyes, greener than Evie’s seen them in a long time, and her lips, smeared red with Evie’s lipstick and _fuck_ , that’s still so hot, and Mal is _gorgeous_.

Mal’s using one of her arms to support her weight and the other is in Evie’s hair. Evie would rather Mal use the hand on the mattress for something more useful, so she wraps an arm around Mal’s torso, pulling her closer.

Mal gasps, and this time not from lack of breath (Evie thinks). Now pressed entirely against her girlfriend, Mal brings her other hand against Evie. She trails her fingers down Evie’s side, and even through the fabric of her shirt, she shivers. She feels Mal smile against her. Evie doesn’t realize Mal’s reached the hem of her shirt until she feels her fingers, cool and thin, against her stomach; Evie’s first thought is _I’m so fat, she’s going to hate me_ , but her second thought is _this is probably the best thing that’s ever happened_. She breathes in too much air, somehow, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as Mal sits up, slightly, supporting herself on her other elbow and still managing to keep her hand in Evie’s hair.

Evie pulls her back in, and now both her arms are wrapped around Mal. She feels Mal’s hand, splayed against her stomach, and even that does so much. She pushes her own hands under Mal’s shirt, reveling in the warmth and proximity of her skin. Mal moves her hand up, fingers spidering across Evie’s ribs, now, in what Evie thinks is probably retaliation. Evie pulls her even closer.

When Mal’s fingers hit the edge of Evie’s bra, she bite’s Mal’s lip instead of her own. Mal moans softly, and it’s probably the hottest thing Evie’s ever heard. With that, Evie takes the hem of Mal’s shirt and pulls it towards her head. Mal gets the message and pulls away from Evie for just seconds. Evie still feels the rush of cold air, misses the weight of Mal’s body against hers.

But then Mal’s shirt is off, and Evie forgets absolutely everything she was thinking. Mal’s in a dark green bra, which is nothing fancy, but is Evie’s favorite color on her by far. Evie can’t stop staring, and then she has to, because Mal is pressed against her again. Evie’s hands roam over Mal’s back and she feels Mal’s fingers creeping under her bra. She has never been this turned on in her life, honestly.

And then Mal is lifting Evie up somehow, reaching around her back to unclasp Evie’s bra. It’s a struggle to get it off with Evie’s shirt still on, and she’s pretty sure her bra is getting stretched much more than it should be, but Evie doesn’t think she could care less if she tried. Then Mal’s hands are on her, _everywhere_ , and Evie’s shirt is barely even on, really, and she’s breathing too hard to be kissing Mal, but she’s kissing her anyway.

Mal palms Evie’s breast and Evie gasps, arching her back to get closer to Mal, somehow. Mal rolls her hips against Evie and, _oh_ , now all her attention is back on her throbbing clit. She moans against Mal’s lips. Mal pulls away, gasping, grinning with her green, green eyes, pupils blown wide. Evie can’t breathe; Mal is the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.

Mal slides down just slightly, her mouth moving to Evie’s neck and then hovering about her collarbones. The light kisses make Evie shiver, shuddering with anticipation, and then feels Mal’s mouth still, her lips warm and wet against her skin, and then she’s sucking bruises across Evie’s skin. Evie gasps at the skimming of Mal’s teeth, the pressure and the way it almost hurts.

She can feel her pulse everywhere: under Mal’s mouth, in her own as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, in her fingers as they travel down Mal’s back, between her legs, in her head where she can hear nothing but rushing blood and Mal’s breath.

Mal’s mouth moves lower and she’s sucking at the sensitive skin that is technically Evie’s breasts, and Evie can’t think like _at all_ , and she moves her hands lower, cupping Mal’s ass and pulling her closer and Mal gasps against her skin and Evie moans and runs her hands up and down the light denim covering Mal’s thighs and Mal nips even closer to Evie’s hard nipples and rolls her hips and Evie gasps and the alarm goes off.

Mal jumps and Evie freezes at the blaring screech of the clock. They stare at each other, eyes wide and embarrassingly terrified, before Mal reaches over to turn it off. The room is strangely silent without it, their panting the only sound. And then Evie starts laughing, and Mal’s laughing, too, maybe she already was.

“Evie,” Mal says after a moment, even more out of breath than before. “We have to go to dinner.” Evie pouts, face still flushed and lips still swollen.

“We don’t _have_ to,” she whines, and Mal laughs again.

“Believe me, I don’t want to anymore than you do, right now, but yes, we do.” Evie sighs dramatically. Evie’s still like, _incredibly_ turned on, but she knows Mal’s right, and she can deal with it, anyway. It won’t be fun, but it will be fine. Mal’s still staring at her.

“Well I can’t get up with you on top of me,” Evie grumbles, and Mal’s smiling at her again, but she moves aside, anyway. Mal moves to sit on the edge of the bed as Evie gets up. Mal searches for her shirt for a moment. Evie’s standing when she looks up. Evie stretches up, clasping her hands above her head and arching her back to hear it pop. She can feel her shirt ride up so it’s almost even with her ribs, but she can’t even bring herself to care.

“Shit, Evie,” Mal whispers. Evie drops her arms to her sides, suddenly self-conscious. “You are like the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” Mal says, eyes wide, mouth smeared a faded red. She shakes her head slightly. “Also, you cannot go to dinner looking like that.” Evie’s eyebrows draw together in confusion. Mal just motions toward the bathroom, then pulls her black shirt back on over her head. Evie sucks the inside of her lip between her teeth as she makes her way to the door.

She knows exactly what Mal means as soon as she looks in the mirror. For one thing, she can clearly see her hard nipples through her shirt. Her hair is, to put it simply, a mess. Her cheeks are flushed and lips are swollen and her red lipstick covers even more of her mouth than Mal’s. Already, there’s a constellation of purple marks along her neck and collarbones; she pulls the top of her shirt down further, revealing more bruises. She traces her fingers along them, prodding slightly; her entire body is understandably warm, but the bruises are especially, and they’re sensitive to the touch, right on the precipice of painful in the best way.

She hears footsteps and watches in the mirror as Mal, almost as disheveled, wraps her arms around Evie’s waist, resting her chin on her shoulder. Evie sighs, then reaches over with Mal’s hands still clasped in front of her to open a drawer. She pulls out a package of makeup remover wipes, pulling one out for herself and handing another to Mal. They stand beside each other in the bathroom, scrubbing Evie’s lipstick off their mouths.

Mal’s hair is bad, too; not quite as bad as Evie’s, but bad enough to be a very good hint, so, as Evie walks out to find her bra and a higher necked shirt, Mal stays in front of the mirror, working her purple hair into a loose braid. Evie’s bra is on the floor by the bed. The straps aren’t at all stretched out, just unadjusted, so she strips out of her top, fixes the length of the straps, and puts the bra back on. She still hates walking around in just her bra, stomach and back exposed, but she figures that’s a pretty stupid thing to be thinking right now, so she tries to ignore it.

She finds a dark purple sweatshirt that she thinks is Mal’s, but the neck is high enough to hide the hickeys on her collarbones and it’s normal for them to share clothes, so it’ll definitely do. As she moves back into the bathroom, she runs her fingers through her hair.

The problem, she realizes, staring in the mirror, are the bruises on her neck. Her hair is too tangled to brush easily, right now, but she can’t put it up and leave her neck exposed. Mal seems to understand the issue as Evie glares, clearly sending the message that this is all Mal’s fault. Mal just shrugs, a smug smile on her face.

Evie sighs loudly, just to be sure Mal hears, and gets to work combing through her hair. It takes almost five minutes for it to look actually presentable, but Mal sits in the bathroom with her the whole time, waiting, so it’s not too bad. It’s barely 6:30 by the time they’re ready, which means they’ll get to dinner at the same time as literally everyone else in the school.

In the bedroom, Evie bends down to pull her ankle boots back on and Mal shoves a pair of canvas sneakers on her feet. Mal grabs a dark green cardigan on the way out of the room which she slips on as she and Evie leave the dorm.

Mal moves closer to Evie as they walk to dinner, so that she’s pretty much pressed up against Evie’s side. Evie can’t help but smile, even with the sexual frustration and impending doom of food and all.

Dinner is some sort of chicken, rice, and eggplant parmesan, along with the usual random items. Evie scoops eggplant onto her plate and grabs an apple, a fork, and a glass of water. She waits for Mal at the doors from the serving room to the hall. They walk to the table—where Jay, Doug, Carlos, and Ben are sitting—together, taking their usual seats.

As soon as Evie sits down, Carlos moves closer, pouting.

“Evie,” he whines. “I miss you. I never see you anymore.” Evie _almost_ keeps herself from wincing, because she knows that’s her fault. At least back when she wasn’t even sort of trying to get better she had more time.

“I know. I miss you, too. We need to hang out.” Carlos nods.

“Are you leaving Friday?” he asks. At her nod, she continues. “We can just hang out over break? Like just the two of us?” Carlos suggests.

“Yes. Please. I miss you.” He nods, frowning dramatically. Evie smiles at him, because she really does miss him, even though they have classes together. It’ll be good to spend some time actually _talking_ to him.

Lonnie, Audrey, Chad, and Jane walk up together, already laughing. Evie spends a large amount of dinner brushing her hair to the right side of her neck to cover the marks (she even bumps Audrey with her elbow once), but it’s just a normal meal, with Evie hating the food she’s eating because she has to eat it; she can’t even finish all of it, still, and she thinks everyone’s probably pissed at her about that, but if she eats more she’ll throw up whether she wants to or not. They talk about school and break and Evie doesn’t forget about making out with Mal, and she doesn’t forget about how uncomfortably wet she still is, but she does almost forget about the love bites.

They still have to do a little preparing for their last exams tomorrow, and so they decide to study in Mal and Evie’s room for a little while. Mal and Lonnie seem to be locked in some conversation about some book they’ve both read, so Audrey offers for Evie and herself to go grab Lonnie’s stuff from their room, too. Evie thinks nothing of it, except Audrey starts talking the second the door closes behind the others.

“So when’d you get that hickey?” Audrey asks, and Evie’s immediate reaction has her hand flying up to her neck, which, okay, great; really nice job.

“What hickey?” she asks anyway, even though it’s pointless, even though it makes Audrey roll her eyes and glare at her.

“Seriously?” she drawls. Evie shrinks, just slightly, under her gaze.

“What?” She can hear her own voice getting higher, and she winces. Audrey rolls her eyes again; Evie’s pretty sure it’s good natured.

“How on earth did you hide an eating disorder for multiple years?” Audrey marvels, and Evie starts to wince and decides to laugh instead, because Audrey’s not being mean, and Evie sort of likes how real she is; she likes that she doesn’t hint at things, she just says them.

Audrey unlocks the door to her room and Evie follows her inside, standing awkwardly near the wall. Audrey moves to find Lonnie’s stuff first, handing it over to Evie for her to carry.

“So,” Audrey says as she rifles through her bag for what she needs to take. “Are you gonna answer my question or not?” And Evie really does have to think for a moment to remember what the question is, but even after she does she doesn’t want to answer. “You totally don’t have to,” Audrey adds, managing to make it sound like just as valid of a choice.

Audrey finishes collecting her stuff and ushers Evie out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Evie hears the lock click into place; she takes a pathetically deep breath.

“Before dinner,” she says.

“Hmm?” Audrey raises her eyebrows, clearly not understanding what Evie’s talking about. “Oh! Really? Wow.” She shifts the stack of books, paper, and her computer into one arm and reaches toward Evie. “Here let me—” She pauses, her hands inches from her neck. “Can I see?” she asks, and actually waits for Evie, face already burning, to nod, before pulling down the collar of her sweatshirt to reveal the cluster of still-darkening bruises on the right side of Evie’s chest and neck.

“Oh my gosh,” Audrey laughs, glancing up at Evie. “Your face is so red.” Evie feels her face darken even more. “You’re adorable.” Audrey lets go of Evie’s collar, still laughing, and continues down the hallway like nothing happened.

“Does Mal have some, too?” Audrey asks a little further down the hall. Evie shrugs awkwardly. She can’t tell if Audrey actually wants to talk to her about this, and she doesn’t know why she would.

“No,” Evie says, trying and failing to sound normal. Audrey stops again, just a few doors down from Mal and Evie’s room, to look at Evie. She seems sort of worried, or at least confused, and Evie really can’t help but feel bad.

“What’s up?” Audrey asks, both casual and concerned. “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. I’m just teasing.” Evie shrugs.

“I just, like… You don’t have to— I don’t know if you really want to, like, I mean, if it’s like… weird, or something. I don’t know. But you don’t have to because like…” Audrey raises her eyebrow, seemingly challenging Evie to continue, like she already knows what she means. “Gay…” Evie trails off, face back to the same embarrassing pink.

“You’re being stupid,” Audrey says, flat and final. “I love you, but you’re being ridiculous.” Evie opens her mouth to protest or apologize or something, but Audrey holds up her free hand. “No. First of all, I want to talk about literally everyone’s sex life, thank you very much. And secondly, stop it. I know you know that this is _such_ a double standard, and even if there’s nothing you can do about it right now, I am going to keep asking you about the thousand or so hickeys. Okay?” Evie shrugs, tries to nod; Audrey rolls her eyes (her signature move), and walks the last bit to Evie’s door.

The other girls don’t end up staying all that long, and Evie steps into the shower almost as soon as they leave. Mal’s waiting at the door for her turn when Evie steps out, and she gives Evie a kiss on the cheek as she walks into the bathroom. Evie blushes, and she can’t help but smile like an idiot. Any kind of affirmation or affection is super ideal, and, as insecure as she is, Evie’s a really physical person, and she loves the closeness that comes with actually dating Mal.

She falls asleep even before Mal’s out of the shower, surprisingly content, even with exams tomorrow.

The exams go fine, like she knew they would, honestly, and she spends the entirety of the afternoon freaking out about the packing she still has to do before tomorrow morning. Mal gets half fed up and half amused by Evie, and, after a short pep talk and slightly longer make out session, Evie actually gets some packing done. She’s ready to leave with Lonnie tomorrow, or, at least, as ready as she thinks she’s likely to be anytime soon.

She’s positive she’s going to freak out about being a nuisance or a burden to Lonnie’s family, but she sleeps in Mal’s bed that night, and just having Mal beside her, radiating warmth and snoring just the slightest bit, calms her down immensely.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. I am so, so sorry. It has been three and a half months, and this isn't even an eventful chapter. Ahhgiegrg. I'm so sorry.  
> Okay, also, I've given up on the chapter titles. Completely. I'm just gonna go back and delete all the titles lol.  
> I hope you're not to mad at me and I promise I will try to do better. I don't even know what's happening in the story at this point, but it really can't go on for too much longer. I love you. Thank you.  
> Thank you also so much to everyone who has commented on this because I need constant validation and it's also the only thing that reminds me to write.

The most difficult part, as it turns out, is that Evie has never met any member of Lonnie’s family. She has absolutely no idea what to expect. Also, apparently Lonnie has an older sister, and Evie feels awful because she’s  _ sure _ Lonnie must have mentioned her before, but she doesn’t remember her saying anything. So it’s not only parents, but also a sibling; Evie was not counting on that. 

And, honestly, girls just a couple years older than Evie are the people that she wants to like her the most, so even without meeting this unnamed sister, Evie cares an inordinate amount about what she thinks of her. She can’t really bring this up to Lonnie because she doesn’t want to sound annoying or ridiculously annoying, but she definitely is stupidly worried. 

She’s pretty sure literally everyone else knows, though, because as soon as she and Mal walk into Audrey and Lonnie’s room to wait for them to finish packing, Audrey takes one look at Evie and fixes her with a rather intense stare. Evie thinks she’s trying to challenge Evie’s own fears, but she might just be glaring. It’s fifty-fifty. 

And besides, almost immediately after Audrey looks back to her suitcase, Lonnie says, “My family is so excited to meet you, Evie.” Evie blushes, because she honestly has no idea what to say to that. Audrey sighs loudly, followed by the sound of her zipping shut her suitcase. 

“I need like five minutes to grab my makeup and stuff, and then we can go,” Audrey announces, walking toward the bathroom. Lonnie looks up from her half packed suitcase, a panicked look on her face. 

“Yeah. I definitely need more like ten or twenty,” she says. Audrey groans loudly from the bathroom. 

“This is why I told you to get up earlier,” she complains. “You guys should probably sit down,” Audrey tells Mal and Evie, walking back out into the bedroom. Mal sighs dramatically, but plops down on the couch regardless. Evie follows with much less spectacle.

Lonnie takes close to half an hour to be finished, but they still get out about an hour before lunch time. They pile their bags in the trunk of Audrey’s car. Or, really, they pile their large bags in the trunk and their smaller bags on top of Lonnie and Evie in the back seats. Audrey turns the radio up and drives to Lonnie’s house without directions. 

“Okay, get the fuck out, please,” Audrey calls, turning down the radio as she slows the car to a stop. Mal laughs as Audrey turns the car off, opening her door and hopping out to help Lonnie and Evie with their bags. Mal gets out, too, but everyone, or at least Evie, is pretty sure it’s just to be close to Evie for a few more minutes.

And, really, that is what Mal does; she stands by Evie as they sort through the bags to find the ones that aren’t Mal’s or Audrey’s and holds her hand as they walk toward Lonnie’s house, even though that means Audrey has to carry more than her fair share of luggage. Evie can honestly feel her heart pounding in her chest as she takes more and more steps toward Lonnie’s front door, behind which her mother and her father and her sister are waiting. 

Mal and Audrey leave before Lonnie and Evie actually go inside. Evie only freaks out minimally about kissing Mal on Lonnie’s front porch, so she kisses Mal on Lonnie’s front porch while Audrey cheers and Lonnie elbows her to shush her. Evie is, of course, the one to pull away, and Mal pouts when she does. 

“I’ll see you in like, a day,” Evie says, even though she misses her in advance already. She also still has her arms wrapped completely around Mal’s neck and is about four inches from her face, so Evie’s not really playing off the whole somewhat aloof vibe she’s going for.

“Yeah, that’s so long from now,” Mal whines. Evie’s sure she’s blushing, because she honestly still has no idea how to respond to any kind of affection. On an impulse, she leans in to kiss Mal’s nose. She’s absolutely shocked when  _ Mal _ blushes slightly, and Audrey makes some noise that is either making fun of Mal or congratulating Evie; it’s the same difference anyway, though.

She pulls away from Mal a moment later, turning to Audrey. Even though she hates herself for it, she hesitates before going in for a hug. In Evie’s own opinion, she plays it off fairly well, but she can see Audrey’s face harden as she lurches backwards slightly. Audrey is consequentially a  _ little _ more forceful than is necessary when she takes initiative and pulls Evie toward her. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Audrey says, stepping toward Lonnie as she releases Evie. Lonnie squeezes her tightly before giving Mal the same hug. Mal and Audrey step back off the porch as Evie and Lonnie turn toward the door, and before Evie really knows what’s happening, she’s inside. 

There’s no one immediately visible, but Evie can hear people talking from what she assumes is a kitchen or living room at the end of the hallway. 

“Just leave your bags here for now,” Lonnie tells her, and Evie feels bad for just dropping her stuff in Lonnie’s entryway, but she does so anyway. Lonnie starts down the aforementioned hallway, motioning for Evie to follow. 

“Mom?” Lonnie calls, walking closer to what Evie can now tell is definitely a kitchen. 

“Lonnie!” she hears; the exclamation is followed by the sound of scraping chairs and fast footsteps. They reach the kitchen at pretty much the same time Lonnie’s family reaches the doorway. The woman Evie presumes to be Lonnie’s mother immediately pulls her daughter in for a hug, and Lonnie is quickly passed to her father and then her sister. Evie stands off to the side, not quite in the kitchen but not quite out of it. She’s awkward at the best of times, and that’s probably not how she would describe this moment right now, so she’s pretty sure she looks pretty stupid. 

“And you must be Evie!” Lonnie’s mom exclaims. Her accent is faint enough that Evie’s not sure she’d be able to place it if she didn’t already know she was from China. Evie nods and tries to smile, but she’s pretty sure it doesn’t work. Lonnie’s mom smiles back, and Evie is suddenly struck by how nice she seems, even with her softening hard edges, even with the muscles Evie can feel still rippling under her skin when Lonnie’s mom pulls her in for a hug. Evie’s own mom looks far more motherly, what with her newfound roundness and too wide smile, but Evie can see the difference even within these first few minutes of meeting Lonnie’s mother. It’s unnerving, to say the least, and it makes Evie’s veins rush ice though her body. 

When Lonnie’s mom pulls away she keeps Evie’s shoulders in her grasp. Her eyes rake over Evie’s face and it’s a very tense twenty seconds (for Evie, at least) before Lonnie’s mom pulls away, smiling. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Fa,” Evie finally gets out. Lonnie’s mom laughs and Evie can feel her stomach open up to swallow her insides. 

“Oh, Lonnie!”  she says, turning towards her daughter. “She’s so polite! You can call me Mulan,” she tells Evie. 

“And I’m Shang,” Lonnie’s father says from where he’s leaning against the counter. He’s tall enough and muscled enough to scare Evie far more than she’d like to admit, but he’s smiling at her like he actually means it and this is Lonnie’s father, this is Lonnie’s family, nothing bad is going to happen here. Evie takes in a shaky breath as inconspicuously as she can manage and reaches out to shake his hand. 

His handshake is firm and his fingers calloused, but his palms are soft and for one of the first times in her life Evie wonders what it would be like to truly have a family. 

“This is Mo,” Lonnie says, nudging her sister who’s typing something on her phone. Mo looks up and smiles at Evie like she’s not bothered to be interrupted. And, okay, Evie’s honestly a bit upset about how pretty Lonnie’s sister is. Her hair is short in a messy sort of way that Evie’s about one hundred and four percent sure she could never pull off and her makeup is beyond perfect. She’s wearing a loose grey sweater and leggings and Evie would bet money that she’s barely even trying. Honestly, Evie’s pretty sure it’s not even a gay thing, but the prettier she thinks someone is the more she wants them to like her.

“It’s great to meet you, Evie” Mo tells her. Evie nods back awkwardly.

“I’m gonna take Evie up to the guest room,” Lonnie announces after a brief pause. 

“Do you two want lunch?” Lonnie’s mom asks before they leave the room. To her credit, Lonnie barely glances back at Evie before nodding at her mom. To Evie’s credit, she manages to hide the fact that her entire body has turned into volcanic ice. Lonnie tells her mom yes and, well, Evie almost doesn’t care.

Lonnie’s house is so incredibly normal. That’s not a bad thing at all. Honestly, Evie’s jealous. It’s not normal in that it’s uniform or boring or stereotypical, but they have their family photos on the walls, and old artwork in picture frames, and so much more that is just personal: sea shells that Lonnie tells her are from their annual trips to the beach when she sees Evie looking, a hand knitted blanket thrown over the couch, pencil scratches marking growth on the doorframe into the living room. Evie feels like she might cry, or at least do something else equally irrational.

“This is the guest room,” Lonnie says, opening the door and gesturing dramatically. It’s nicer than any room in Evie’s house, or, well, Evie’s entire house as a whole, but she doesn’t say that.

“It’s really nice. Thank you, Lonnie,” she mumbles, suddenly aware of how much Lonnie is doing and has done for her. Lonnie just shrugs, waving her arm. 

“Here,” she says, moving to grab Evie’s suitcase. “Do you want to unpack? You’re here for more than two weeks,” she rushes to add when she sees Evie’s hesitation. 

“Uh, I guess so, yeah.” Lonnie lifts the suitcase onto the bed and unzips it. 

“I can help, if you want,” she says. Evie nods, stepping up to the bed, too. It’s pretty quiet while Lonnie hands Evie the neatly folded clothes from her suitcase and Evie stacks them in the dresser drawers. 

“You know,” Lonnie starts after a few minutes, sounding like she’s been working up to saying this. “If you… I’m not saying you have to do anything at all, and I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to, but my parents would be very understanding if you wanted to talk to them about anything at all.” Evie knows that  _ anything at all _ means eating disorder, but she would have seized up the same way even if she hadn’t. She doesn’t really know how to answer that, or to speak at all, apparently.

“I don’t…” she finally manages to say. She’s turned away from Lonnie but can still see her watching her from the corner of her eye. “I’m sorry,” she says. Lonnie smiles, a bit too softly to be anything other than sad.

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything,” she says, turning away from Evie more, and Evie knows it’s just because she’s obviously uncomfortable and hates how much she appreciates it. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know.” Evie nods; or, Evie jerks her head up and down and hopes Lonnie gets the picture. They go back to packing. 

They’re finished before Lonnie’s mom calls them from downstairs, and they spend almost ten minutes just lying on the guest room bed, relishing in having very few responsibilities for the next couple weeks. 

When they do come back to the kitchen, Evie is embarrassingly surprised that the lunch is actually something Lonnie’s mom made. Really she’s sort of just surprised it’s anything other than a thirty second sandwich or a frozen meal, which is pathetic, but no one else has to know that.

Lunch is a strange combination of homemade spring rolls and tomato soup. It’s not like they actually go together, but they sort of almost do, and it’s really very good. Mo, apparently, had left while Lonnie was helping Evie unpack, and since Lonnie’s father is in his office it’s just the three of them now. Evie hates that she’s actually enjoying what she’s eating and feels guilty for hating that. 

“This is really good, Ms. Fa,” Evie says softly, wincing as soon as she remembers that Lonnie’s mother asked to be called Mulan. But Mulan only smiles, the same soft smile Evie has come to recognize on Lonnie, and thanks her.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my god first of all y'all are literally so sweet. secondly, apparently you guys think I'm actually doing other stuff when I'm not writing this?? but no?? I'm just also not writing my college essays or doing summer reading so. thirdly someone asked for my tumblr which, um, so sweet? but, related, someone please help me come up with a new funny url. please. every joke I think of is already taken. this is urgent. 
> 
> this chapter is very uneventful sort of? really just I thought I was going to be writing a totally different thing for most of the chapter so basically just I have no concept of how long scenes are I think

Lonnie and Evie spend the rest of the day holed up in Lonnie’s room, relishing the fact that they are out of school. Lonnie sits Evie down on her bed and (forcefully) introduces her to what Lonnie says is the best, or at least the funniest and most un-sad making, show in existence. And it is good, but Evie’s still pretty bad at staying interested in tv or movies for more than a couple hours. Lonnie calls it exposure therapy. Evie wanders over to Lonnie’s bookshelves.

It’s not even that Lonnie has a lot of books, because while she has quite a few, Evie’s pretty sure this wouldn’t be classified as an actual large amount. It’s just that Lonnie has such a variety of books, really. Evie doesn’t recognize the majority of them, but there’s clearly books meant for actual children, and then books for people a little older, and for teenagers, and for actual adults, and it’s just suddenly really clear that this is a place Lonnie has lived and grown and been  allowed encouraged to do that in a way that made her happy.

Evie glances back to Lonnie, still sprawled out on her bed, to see the other girl staring back at her, curious. Evie can’t help but blush slightly, and quickly grabs one of the books from Lonnie’s shelf, resolving not to dwell too much on what she cannot change, or at least not to do it in front of Lonnie. 

“Is this okay?” Evie asks, motioning with the book as she starts to flip through it.

“Of course. I can pause this or put headphones in if you want,” she says, and Evie is a little surprised by the surge of affection she feels. Evie shakes her head.

“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind the noise.” She pads back over toward Lonnie, taking a seat on the floor near the bed and leaning back against it. 

Evie spends close to four hours reading, with only small breaks in which she asks Lonnie questions (about the book) and Lonnie gives very vague (and smug) answers. It’s a good book, though, and when Evie finishes, Lonnie tells her it’s probably about time to go downstairs. 

“My mom wanted to have some sort of movie or game night since it’s my first night back and your first night here. We’re just gonna chill and eat pizza.” Lonnie pauses. Evie doesn’t need even a second to figure out why. “Is that okay?” she asks. Evie can feel Lonnie staring at her back and she hates that she’s so much of a burden to the girl who opened her home to Evie.

“Yeah, it’s—” She clears her throat. “It’s fine. Sorry.” Lonnie huffs.

“What are you sorry for?” she asks, stepping forward to place her palm on Evie’s back. Evie shrugs. 

“Okay, well, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Evie shrugs again. “One piece?” she asks. Evie nods, almost grateful that they’re back on the pizza thing. “I love you,” Lonnie adds, grinning. Evie groans.

“Oh my god, I love you, too,” she says, rolling her eyes and jabbing at Lonnie with her elbow. 

Evie does only eat one piece of pizza, but she’s pretty sure the rest of Lonnie’s family doesn’t really take note of it, at least not as a significant piece of information. They play games that Evie has barely even heard of—despite their popularity—and Lonnie lets Evie be on a team with her the entire night. All in all, it goes pretty well. 

After she showers and before she actually goes to bed, Lonnie comes back into the guest room. Evie’s still more than a bit cautious about people seeing her without makeup on, even though it’s a bit ridiculous at this point. It’s not even like Evie looks  _ that _ different (except she does), she just has a few acne scars, her eyes obviously look a little smaller, the usual. But still. Lonnie, though, acts like it’s normal that she can see Evie this way, with just her actual body and her actual self.

“Mal asked Audrey to ask me to ask you if you wanted to go on a date with her tomorrow,” Lonnie says, clearly finding the whole message chain funny.  Evie blushes, which is much less because she’s embarrassed and much more because she’s very bad at not doing that. Lonnie laughs at her. 

“Yeah, of course,” Evie says, maybe a bit too enthusiastically. Lonnie pulls her phone out of her pocket, presumably to respond to Audrey. Evie runs a hand through her hair, slipping a ponytail holder off her wrist and twisting her hair up into a bun. Lonnie looks up again a moment later, nodding. 

“Okay, Audrey says she and Mal are gonna pick you up at like eleven and then she’ll drop you two off somewhere. I don’t know. She says she’s not allowed to say where.”

“Thank you,” Evie says, and she’s sure Lonnie can tell that it’s only half for the information about the date. Lonnie smiles, a little too softly for Evie’s liking, but not soft enough that it feels like Lonnie’s just humoring her.

“Of course. Goodnight, Evie. I’ll see you in the morning,” she says, walking out of the room.

“Wait!” Lonnie falters, then steps back in. “What about like— I don’t have any money,” Evie says, trying her best to meet Lonnie’s eyes (and failing). Lonnie’s eyebrows shoot comically far up her forehead. 

“Oh! Um… Here, I’ll ask Audrey, but if she doesn’t respond or something I can give you some,” Lonnie says, already typing something out on her phone. Evie’s eyes drop even farther.

“I don’t want to like… I can’t just take your money,” she says. She’s doing her best not to say what she means (which is  _ I’m already enough of a burden _ ), but it comes out a little too soft to mean anything else, and Evie knows Lonnie can read her like a stop sign even when she’s lying well. Her suspicions are only confirmed when Lonnie sighs her  _ Evie I love you but you’re being a dumbass _ sigh.

“You’re not bothering me. You’re my friend, and you’re practically an emancipated minor at this point, barring all legalities, of course. I don’t care if I have to give you money. I care about you and your well being.” 

Evie doesn’t know how to reply to that, and even by the time she hears Lonnie’s phone buzz it’s been a few seconds too long for it to not be awkward. Lonnie sighs again.

“Audrey says everything’s under control. And then she said that Ben gave Mal some money so you guys are totally fine,” Lonnie says. Evie nods, now unable to look past Lonnie’s shoes. Evie’s still quiet. Lonnie starts to move back out of the room.

“Goodnight. Love you,” Evie rushes to say. Lonnie laughs.

“Love you, too,” she says. She closes the door softly behind her. Evie sleeps better that night than she thought she would. 

Evie wakes up the next morning before her alarm with something somewhere between a blender and a tornado in her stomach. It takes her more than a few seconds to realize that she has never gone with a real actual date with Mal, one where it’s just the two of them outside of their dorm room and not on campus and doing real actual date stuff. Evie’s insides turn frozen for more than five minutes and she feels like she can’t move, then she’s springing out of bed, preemptively turning off her alarm, and rushing into the bathroom attached to her room.

She takes over an hour to do her hair and makeup, though mostly it just takes her the normal amount of time to do her makeup and hair with extra pauses to freak out and think about Mal. Also much more concentration for eyeliner. She works her fingers through her hair, deftly pulling the dark strands back from her face and into four loose braids. 

When she’s done doing and pretending to do her makeup, she flops back onto her bed to try to decide what to wear without actually having to look through her clothes. Evie doesn’t fall asleep—she’s not totally sure she even closes her eyes—but suddenly it’s been close to an hour and it’s almost ten o’clock.

She doesn’t know how casual this date is supposed to be, which, for someone like Evie, is actually a really big issue. Even with all of her  planning lying on the bed, she ends up putting on four and a half outfits before deciding that she’d rather be overdressed than underdressed and opting for the second thing she tried. 

It’s sort of pseudo wrap dress with sleeves that cinch in just above her wrists and a lighter blue than she typically wears, a little greyer and a little softer, but she doesn’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. Evie takes out the pair of sheer black tights that she brought and it’s not until they’re halfway up her legs that she realizes they’re not going on as easily as usual. She freezes, has to back up until she can drop onto her bed, and realizes that she hasn’t worn these tights in at least a month. She’s gaining weight. She wants to—  _ Fuck _ , she doesn’t even know what she wants to do; there’s no easy fix for this. 

She feels dazed, still, when there’s a knock on her door. She doesn’t know how long it’s been.

“Hey,” Lonnie calls through the wood when Evie doesn’t respond. “My mom wanted to know if you wanted breakfast before you left, but I told her you’d probably be eating like right after you left so you’d be fine. Audrey should be here soon, though. Are you gonna be ready?” Evie nods. She knows, logically, that Lonnie can’t see her through the wall, but she also can’t seem to make herself speak. 

“Evie? Are you okay?” Lonnie sounds worried now, which is  _ really _ not what Evie wanted. Evie can freak out about this later; now is not the time. 

“Yes, I’m fine! Sorry. Totally just spaced out for a second,” she says. She hears Lonnie laugh through the door. It sounds a little half-hearted, but Evie will take what she can get. “I’ll be ready in like five minutes. Promise.” Lonnie laughs for real this time. 

Evie stands back up as she hears Lonnie walk away from the door. Her hands are shaking now, but she pretends they’re not and finishes pulling up the tights, even if it takes a little extra tugging. She slips her feet into her shoes, ties them up, and grabs her coat.

She’s not totally sure when she’s getting picked up, or what Lonnie’s doing, or where Lonnie is, or what Evie’s supposed to do until she’s picked up, but she can hear Lonnie and her mother talking downstairs, so she decides that’s probably the safest bet, even if it means human interaction. She goes back and forth between wanting to be purposefully loud in order to alert them that she’s coming and wanting to be especially quiet so she doesn’t disturb them, but she eventually settles on walking at a normal volume.

“Good morning, Ms.—Mulan,” Evie says, stumbling and stuttering even through the very short sentence. Lonnie’s mother just smiles that same smile—the one where Evie knows she’s thinking about how Evie lived before this year—and offers her food that Evie politely (she hopes) declines. Lonnie doesn’t seem particularly upset by anything Evie says or does, so Evie thinks it’s probably okay. She lowers herself into an empty chair at the table at Mulan’s insistence and listens as Lonnie and her mom continue their conversation.

They’re talking about how the last few weeks at school have been, and Evie surprised that she’s surprised at how casual it all is, how Mulan asks about Lonnie’s friends by name, how she knows what Lonnie’s classes are and which ones are her favorite. Evie feels a pang of longing, and even though she knows exactly what it is, she chooses to ignore it. Just because Evie didn’t get a good mother doesn’t mean Lonnie shouldn’t; Lonnie deserves her mother so much more than Evie ever would, anyway. 

It’s only a few more minutes before a car horn blares outside at the same time Lonnie’s phone lights up with a text.

“Audrey’s here,” she says, amused. Evie can’t help but grin. It’s dumb how much she missed Mal, but that might be more of a roommate thing than a girlfriend thing, honestly. (Or, most likely, a roommate girlfriend thing.) Evie pushes her chair back from the table and stands up, trying not to literally bounce, because now that this date is actually happening, most of her nerves are gone. 

“Bye, Evie,” Lonnie says in the same tone as before. She’s smiling, and Evie thinks it’s just as much mocking as it is affectionate. “Have fun.” She smiles for real, now, and Evie smiles back. 

“I’ll see you later. Thank you so much, M— Mulan,” she says, only tripping slightly over the name this time. Evie’s almost all the way out of the kitchen, her back turned to Lonnie and her mom when Mulan calls after her. 

“Say hi to your girlfriend for me!” she says, and Evie falters, freezing, her face burning and hands balling themselves into fists. And, okay, in retrospect she doesn’t know why it’s so unexpected; why would Lonnie’s mom not know where Evie—a minor who is staying in her house—is going? It’s just more that there’s no malice in what she says. Evie’s not… Look, Evie’s out to maybe twenty people, and only about ten explicitly; she’s never told an adult that she’s gay. To be fair, she hasn’t really had an adult to tell, but still. It’s different. It’s…

“Okay,” she manages to say, and it’s more of a cross between a whisper and a squeak than any actual word, but she’s really only frozen for about two seconds, so she’ll call it a win anyway. (If she can’t bring herself to turn around and face Lonnie and Mulan, not with her face this red, not when it’s so clear she doesn’t expect this kind of acceptance, then that’s no one’s business but her own.)

The rush of cold air when she steps out of the house is a relief against the heat of her cheeks. She takes a deep breath to steady herself, ignores how her whole body is shaking, and puts on a smile. She’ll deal with this later. She has a date to go on. 

Mal is in the back already when Evie climbs in, and for some reason that makes Evie’s heart happy, that Mal would sit back there with her instead of in the front with Audrey. 

“Hey,” Mal says, and Evie blushes even at that. Mal seems a little softer than usual, a little shyer, and Evie can’t help but hope that the concrete realness of this date means as much to Mal as it does to her. 

“Hey,” Evie says back, even softer. She can’t quite meet Mal’s eyes. Audrey groans. 

“You two are literally the worst,” she says, watching them in the mirror. Evie blushes deeper; Mal laughs. “Fucking lovesick losers,” Audrey mutters under her breath as she shifts the car into drive. Evie would be offended if Audrey’s smile wasn’t so big. 

Mal holds Evie’s hand on the way toward town. Evie thinks she’s melting.

Audrey drops them off at a cute coffee shop. Evie feels herself smiling even as she tries to hide it. Audrey winks at her through the mirror as Evie unbuckles her seatbelt and opens the door. 

“I’ll see you two later,” Audrey calls through her open window as Mal and Evie head into the building. They both wave as Audrey drives off. Mal holds the door open for her. She takes Evie’s hand as soon they’re inside. Evie’s knees almost buckle. It’s embarrassing, but she’s pretty sure Mal doesn’t notice, which basically means she can pretend it never happened.

Mal keeps their fingers interlocked as they move up in the line toward the register and Evie tries to ignore the growing panic in her stomach at the fact that she is in public—in a  _ restaurant _ , no less—and holding another girl’s hand. Very non-platonically. She closes her eyes, tries to take a steadying breath without Mal noticing, and then it’s their turn. Mal orders for both of them—coffee for her, tea for Evie, and sandwiches for both of them—and Evie is grateful. 

They manage to find a table in the corner, and Evie takes the seat facing the rest of the room without even considering the other one. Mal smiles at her, asks how her night with Lonnie’s family was. 

“It was good. We played a bunch of games I’ve never heard of? I don’t know if that’s an Isle thing or Lonnie’s family is just really into games,” Evie says. 

“Probably both,” Mal laughs.

“How was Audrey’s?” 

“It was really good, actually,” Mal starts, and Evie can tell she’s gearing up to launch into some at least semi-long story, which Evie is glad about because, honestly, she could watch Mal talk all day. “I thought it would be weird, for obvious reasons, and Audrey’s grandmother was still super, um, icy, but her actual parents were pretty nice about it all. They know about the whole coronation thing, obviously, so that probably helped, but I also think Audrey either seriously talked me up or threatened her family.”

“Probably both,” Evie cuts in, repeating Mal. Mal laughs again. Evie blushes.

“Yeah honestly. Anyway, Audrey’s mom made this really good cake and they asked me a bunch of awkward questions about the Isle. I’m pretty sure I ended up saying a little too much on how it’s all bullshit and creating a place like that does nothing besides fester negativity and ill-will toward Auradon, but still.” Evie nods along. Mal looks like she’s going to continue, but someone calls out their food. Mal stills Evie when she goes to get up, saying she’ll get it. She comes back balancing plates and cups precariously, and Evie smiles even through the stab of panic about Mal dropping something. 

Evie eats her entire lunch. Halfway through her sandwich Mal takes her hand. She doesn’t let go for the rest of their time there, which does make the sandwich eating a little awkward, but Evie’s more than willing to deal with it.

They go to a movie after lunch. It’s an action movie and Evie actually really enjoys it, especially since Mal kisses her when one of the battle scenes starts to drag on too long. Evie’s glad the theater’s dark; she doesn’t even want to imagine what shade of tomato she must be at this point. 

It’s only about four, and Mal says Audrey isn’t coming to get them for another hour and half, so they decide to walk toward where Mal swears is a park. Evie’s not totally sure she believes her, but even just walking the streets with Mal will be fun, so she’s in. 

“Hey, Evie?” Mal says.

“Hmm?”

“I love you a lot.” Evie blushes, because of course, and it takes her a minute to meet Mal’s gaze. 

“I love you, too,” she tells Mal’s nose. She takes a steadying breath and grabs Mal’s hand without even looking to see who might be watching. Mal squeezes her palm and Evie feels grounded. 

There is, as it turns out, a park, though a small one, and after they walk around the perimeter, Evie and Mal sit down on a bench. Evie’s not sure she’ll remember anything Mal’s saying to her—she’s not even sure she’ll remember anything  _ she’s _ saying—because of the warm feeling in her chest. Mal’s side is pressed against her and Evie just feels nice.

Except then she starts thinking—not even about anything in particular—and it feels a little less like a campfire and more like a pressure cooker. Her tights are still too, well, tight, and she can still feel her lunch in her stomach, and it’s not that either of those are that bad by themselves, it’s just together and, really, as bad as it sounds she’s sort of due for a break down. She just hopes she can hold off until tonight, until she’s in Lonnie’s guest room alone and she can cry and, as bad as she feels for thinking it, probably try to throw up. She can wait until tonight. 

She swallows, tries to tune back in to whatever Mal’s saying. She’s pretty sure she does a good job of hiding that she wants to crawl out of her skin. 

Even with all the wanting to vacate her body, Evie’s sad when Audrey picks them up. It’s nice to just spend time with Mal, but it’s even nicer to know that they’re actually on a date. 

Mal sits in the back with her again, and doesn’t let go of her hand until they’re back at Lonnie’s. Mal gets out of the car, too. 

“Today was fun,” Mal says, grinning. It’s too big to be anything other than cocky and Evie can’t help but smile back.

“It was. Thank you.” Mal’s smile softens. 

“Of course,” she says, leaning toward Evie. Evie closes her eyes before Mal kisses her. She feels Mal’s hands on her face, her thumbs stroking along the curve of her jaw. She’s sure Mal can feel her smiling, and by the time Mal pulls away Evie’s pretty sure she’ll never be able to frown. Her cheeks must be stuck like this. She’s not sure she’ll ever get used to this. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Mal says, stepping back a few inches. “Maybe tomorrow.” Evie nods, still smiling, but already missing Mal. Mal leans in to peck her cheek, then turns back to Audrey’s car. 

“I love you!” Mal tells her right before opening the passenger door. 

“I love you, too.” She can hear Audrey fake gagging now that the door is open. Evie laughs.

“Bye, Evie!” Audrey calls, leaning over Mal so she can wave goodbye. “I hope you had fun! Tell Lonnie hi!” Evie nods as Mal rolls her eyes, closing the door and waving to Evie through the window. Evie smiles as Audrey pulls away. She turns toward the house. 

She briefly feels like she’s going to pass out as she debates whether or not knocking is the correct procedure her, and that only sends her deeper into this spiral she’s trying to pretend she’s not falling into. She can do this. She can deal with this later. 

She’s saved from having to decide by Lonnie opening the door. She smiles at Evie.

“You have fun?” she asks. Evie nods, not quite able to find her voice amid the general yuckiness of whatever she’s feeling. She follows Lonnie back inside.

“Yeah. Thank you,” she finally manages to say, only after they’re already on the stairs. Lonnie doesn’t mention it, though. 

“Wanna hang out until dinner?” Lonnie offers, and Evie does, in theory, so she says yes. 

“Cool, we’ll probably be eating in like half an hour. I’m glad you had fun.”

“Yeah, me too,” Evie says, and pretends she doesn’t feel a little like she’s crumbling as she sits down on Lonnie’s bedroom floor. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY. IT HAS BEEN LIKE 5 MONTHS I AM SO SORRY AHHHHHHHHH

Lonnie’s dad makes spring rolls and noodles for dinner and the house smells like ginger and garlic. Evie hates that she is disgusted by the smell of food. Lonnie takes the seat next to her mother, motioning for Evie to sit on Lonnie’s right, with Mr. Fa and Mo on the other side of the table. Everything smells delicious and she cannot stand it. 

It feels like dinner moves molasses slow. Evie doesn’t take in a single word that anyone says. She eats what gets put on her plate and is offered more. She says yes because there isn’t really another option and Lonnie looks both happy and concerned. Evie can feel the waistband of her tights pressing into her stomach the whole meal. There is ice cream for dessert and Evie doesn’t want  _ any _ but she says yes to two scoops that turn out to be just this side of three. Lonnie makes eye contact with her in the midst of passing bowls of ice cream; she smiles encouragingly, but Evie can’t tell what, exactly, she’s encouraging Evie to do.

Evie tries to help with the dishes, but Mr. Fa and Mulan shoo her away, telling Lonnie to go upstairs with her. Evie starts out of the kitchen; her stomach feels like it’s going to split in two. About halfway up the steps, Lonnie’s phone rings. Evie pauses above Lonnie while she answers. 

As Evie listens to the conversation, (“Hello?... Wait, what do you need?”) a knot of dread inside her grows; (“Right now?... Yeah okay. I’ll be there soon.”) she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Lonnie leaves, but it’s not like she can ask her to stay. 

“I’m sorry,” Lonnie says, grimacing as she hangs up. “That was my aunt. She needs help setting up her TV or something and I’m probably the only one in my family who could do it. I won’t be long, an hour tops. Will you be okay until then?” And Evie can tell what Lonnie is really asking, and she  _ knows _ the answer is no, she sort of won’t be okay, but she can’t bring herself to say that. She nods.

“Yeah, of course!” Lonnie looks at her a moment too long, then turns and heads back down the stairs.

“I’m really sorry,” she says, even as Evie waves the apology away. “We can watch a movie or something when I get back?” Evie nods. Lonnie smiles at her, then walks back into the kitchen, presumably to tell her parents she’s going. Evie remains frozen on the stairs for another moment, before she abruptly turns and heads to the guest room. She locks the door behind her instinctively, then unlocks it again, hands shaking. Locked doors are dangerous territory. 

She hears the front door close downstairs and, a moment later, a car pulling out of the driveway. Evie doesn’t move from her place beside the door. Her stomach feels like it’s going to burst; she needs to throw up. Like, she actually really  _ needs _ to throw up because this feeling is so unbearable and she’s starting to worry her skin might actually break. She hasn’t eaten this much at one time since at least last year. She needs to get some of this goddamn food  _ out _ of her. 

But she’s at Lonnie’s house—her  _ home _ —and she will feel so outrageously  _ bad _ if she throws up here. She doesn’t want to let Lonnie down, yet alone Mal, but still it’s so hard, and it just plain hurts, and Evie’s really never been all that strong. 

She moves, finally, across the room and into the bathroom, pulling the door closed behind her without even bothering to lock it. As soon as she looks at herself in the mirror, she knows she’s made a decision. She pulls her dress over her head and strips off the godforsaken tights; she drops the dress on the floor where she is and balls the tights up, throwing them into the corner. After putting her hair up in a bun, she lifts the toilet seat. 

The bathroom is a little too cold, and Evie, in just her underwear, shivers as she cups her hand under the cold water, shoveling water into her mouth. If Lonnie were here now she’d be so disappointed. Even as she braces herself against the toilet bowl, Evie knows there’s no way she’ll be able to keep this from Lonnie. She feels horrible enough without even having done anything yet and she knows Lonnie would be able to tell, anyway. She’s not sure she’s ever felt so guilty in her life, but this is what’s happening now. Still, she makes a deal with herself: she’ll fishing hook pull her insides out five times, then no more, no matter how full she still is. 

She hasn’t done this in a while and it rubs raw her throat a little more than she remembers. Her fingers, maybe a bit dryer with the cold weather, feel more sandpaper rough against her mouth and her teeth hit her skin a little sharper. Still, even with the guilt and discomfort, she can’t deny how relieving it feels, to be able to pull all this too much out of her.

Five times is not enough, but Evie’s not sure she can deal with feeling worse—guiltier—than she already does, so she stops as promised. A little shaky, she washes her hands and face, wipes up the vomit on the floor and outside of the toilet bowl, and flushes. She tugs her dress back on over her head, pulls the rubber band out of her hair, looks at herself again in the mirror, and starts crying.

The worst part, really, is how much better she feels, how much she knows that even with how much she is letting people down, she wouldn’t act any differently given the chance. It’s a bit harrowing to realize how weak she is, but she takes it in stride, merely sinking to the floor and sobbing. Her dress has bunched up a bit at the waist, leaving the hem high enough up to reveal the pattern of scars across her thighs. She cries harder, combing her fingers through her tangled hair as the feelings of shame, guilt, distress, and the physical discomfort of her still full stomach mix together.

Less than three minutes later there’s a knock on the bathroom door. Evie sucks in a sharp breath in an attempt to stop crying, or at least to keep quiet. She can’t really speak, though, so it’s actually not much of an improvement.

“Evie?” she hears through her door. Her pulse drops to her toes. “It’s Mo. Can I come in?” And she sounds so much like Lonnie now that Evie can’t make herself say no, though that could also have to do with the fact that she can’t make herself say anything. She tries to clear her throat.

“Just a moment,” she manages to croak out. Mo doesn’t skip a beat. 

“Are you dressed?” she asks, and Evie doesn’t want to lie to her but she’s also done just about all the speaking she can for right now, so she keeps quiet. “I’m taking that as a yes,” Mo says. “I’m coming in.” 

Evie doesn’t protest, but drops her gaze to her lap as the door opens, not wanting Mo to see the smudged makeup. The lack of eye contact is a huge bonus. Mo shuts the door behind her and sits down next to Evie. She’s quiet for a moment. She risks a glance at Mo—in black leggings, a loose white button up, and a pair of green socks with corgis on them, her short hair messy  _ on purpose _ and her legs stretched out in front of her like Evie’s—from the corner of her eye. 

“Show me your hands?” Mo asks. Evie forgets all about hiding her face, looking up in confusion. “Your hands,” Mo repeats, holding up her own, backs to Evie, in demonstration. Evie does the same, a bit more slowly and winces at how much they’re shaking. But then again, she thinks she might know what this is about and it’s going to go exactly the way she doesn’t want it to. 

Mo reaches across Evie to take her right hand, running her finger over the pink of Evie’s first two knuckles. 

“Your knuckles don’t lie,” she smiles sadly, and Evie blushes, mortified at this whole situation. She can’t bring herself to respond to that, to confirm it in any way, but Mo doesn’t seem to expect her to say anything. 

There’s just the sounds of Evie’s still labored breaths as they even out for a bit, and it’s already been a few minutes by the time Evie remembers the hem of her dress and makes a move to pull it down. She knows she’s too late, really, but she’d still like to keep up some pretense of appearances.

“Lonnie texted me,” Mo finally says, after what must have been at least five minutes. “She asked me to keep an eye on you, or check up on you at least.” Evie drops her head even lower. 

“She told you?” she gets out, and it sounds smaller than she’d like, but at least her voice doesn’t crack. She feels Mo shake her head beside her.

“No. She didn't need to. Has she ever told you I was bulimic?” It’s so conversational, and so blatant, and so not what Evie was expecting that she can’t help but raise her head again, glancing at Mo from the corner of her eye.

“I guess that’s a no then,” Mo laughs. “Last three years of high school and first two years of college. Lonnie was thirteen when I told my parents. Even then, she was really helpful, but I’m sure having dealt with me makes knowing how to help you easier. It’s been about two and a half years since I threw up, now.” Evie gulps in a breath.

“I’m sorry,” Evie says to her lap. Her head shoots up, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. “I don’t mean, not like I’m sorry you haven’t thrown up, like I’m sorry for…” she trails off. Mo’s laughing a bit and doesn’t look at all offended, thankfully. “All this,” Evie finishes, waving her hand around to convey the situation she’s put the two of them in.  

“Don’t be,” Mo says, patting her knee. “I can deal with a little bit of freaking out. You don’t deserve to do this alone.” It’s just so  _ weird _ , hearing that from someone—a grown woman who Evie knows has graduated from college—who doesn’t even  _ know _ her; it’s strange enough from Lonnie or Mal or Audrey or Aria or any of her friends, but this is just. Weird.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mo asks. “It might be easier to talk to someone you don’t know so well, and I think it’ll make you feel better.” Evie does, actually, which is a bit shocking to realize, but she can’t shove something like this onto Mo, whom she barely even knows and whom she really wants to like her. 

“It’s just pathetic. It’s fine,” she whispers, not knowing what else to say to get out of it. 

“Really?” Mo asks. “My sophomore year in college, before I told my parents, I went home with my boyfriend for some of winter break. His parents made a super amazing dinner, I ate as much as they offered me, I made myself throw up in his bathroom, then I had a panic attack. I passed out and his sister found me. Is it worse than that?”

“That’s not pathetic, though,” Evie says. Mo shrugs.

“I guess not. Maybe just laughably disastrous.” Evie feels her mouth twitch as she tries not to smile. Mo doesn’t say anything else and it makes Evie want to talk even more. Mo would be a really good therapist. In the few minutes of silence, Evie can hear someone moving around downstairs. She suddenly feels a bit exhausted, but she knows it’d be hard for her to fall asleep right now, what with her stomach still uncomfortably full and all. 

“I’m just gaining weight,” she finally says. “And obviously I knew that would happen, but I don’t have any way to weigh myself or anything at school, and I just tried to like, not pay attention to it even though I knew it was happening.” Mo stays quiet, waiting for Evie to continue on her own.

“My tights were too, well, tight this morning. Or not even really that tight at all, just tighter than they have been. I just kind of freaked out and didn’t stop. I wanted to throw up even before I actually ate, but then it wasn’t even really about that, it just hurts. Like it feels so bad,” Evie almost whines.

“Still?” Mo cuts in, eyebrows drawn together. Evie shrugs.

“I didn’t throw up that much. Just enough to make it bearable. Lonnie and Mal and Audrey are gonna hate me enough already. Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Mo says. “I’m proud of you for that. Lonnie will be too, and she won’t hate you. I doubt your girlfriend will either.” Evie can’t help but wince when she says girlfriend, because even with how nice she knows Lonnie’s family is, she’s just not used to people talking about her liking girls—or anyone liking girls—like it’s normal. 

“What was that?” Mo asks, patting Evie’s knee, because of course she noticed. “Are things not going well with her or something?” Evie shakes her head, maybe a little bit too adamantly to be casual. 

“No, I just— Oh, god,” she laughs, dropping her head into her hands. “This is so embarrassing. I’m just not used to people talking about like… being gay like that. Like it’s a normal thing. It’s just instinctive,” Evie says, somewhat muffled through her hands. She feels Mo’s hand on her back, rubbing a soothing pattern into Evie’s skin. She doesn’t say anything about it, though, and Evie’s glad that she’s letting her say dumb stuff without following up on it. Evie takes a few more minutes before continuing. 

“I just shouldn’t have eaten so much. It was dumb,” she finally shrugs. Mo lets out a short laugh.

“Yeah, kind of was.” Evie looks up and Mo winks at her. “I know it’s hard, but Lonnie and I will try to make sure you don’t keep saying yes to things you can’t really eat, next time. You could also tell my parents, you know.” She keep rubbing Evie’s back as she tenses, and quickly continues speaking. 

“I’m not going to make you or tell them myself, and I understand that you’re in a very different situation than I was in. Still, they wouldn’t react poorly. I can promise that.” Evie’s mouth feels like dry ice.

“I don’t—” she stops, trying to swallow around the cement in her throat.

“Alright,” Mo says. “Let’s drop it, then.” Evie shrinks a bit, guilty, but Mo keeps rubbing her back, seemingly no more disappointed than when she came in. 

Lonnie finds them just like that, almost twenty minutes later. She steps into the bathroom and sits down on Evie’s other side, pulling her into her arms. 

“I’m sorry,” Lonnie whispers, stroking Evie’s head. Evie shakes her head as furiously as she can with Lonnie’s hands in her hair.

“Please don’t say that. It was my fault. I could’ve told you. Please don’t, please don’t…” She almost starts crying again; Lonnie whispers sweet phrases until she calms down. 

“I’m sorry,” Evie says, pulling away after a couple minutes. “I’m sorry.” She shrinks into herself just a bit, trying to distance herself from Lonnie and Mo and their kindness. 

“Hey,” Lonnie says, taking Evie’s hand. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, please. I’m proud of you.” Evie can’t help but scoff at that. Lonnie’s eyes crinkle in a sad smile, but she doesn’t say anything else about it. 

“Come on,” she says, hauling herself up and pulling Evie up after her. Mo wipes her hands on her thighs and pushes herself up off the bathroom floor after them. “Let’s go watch a movie or something, yeah?” 


End file.
